After this episode, we'll be halfway through season two and the end of this season cannot come fast enough. I made a stupid mistake thinking I should do a season of lists entirely. Sounds good in theory, right? You probably sit around with your mates all the time and discuss the best of, the worst of, the most overrated, the most underrated, and it's always fun. Yeah, but when you sit down to have that same discussion with yourself, it sucks. So no more bullshit, let's get on with episode six.
I like porn. I used to love porn. Remember the first time you saw your first X-rated movie? The fear of getting caught? The overflowing of blood to extremities? Wondering if the girls really enjoyed it or if it were all a ruse? Those were the days. I remember my first flick. I stole it from my cousin, it was called "Black Fox", starring Ebony Ayes and Nina de Ponca. I remember it like yesterday. It was the very movie that made me decide to be the best pussy-eater I can be. Anyway, that movie was from 1989, before mainstream porn jumped the shark. You'd be hard pressed to find a movie like that anymore.
Today's porn? Not for me. Don't get me wrong, I'll still give a good tug but it's more because I'm bored or the wife is out of town or I need to get some sleep so why not release? But so much of it is either just completely disgusting or just degrading. I'm glad I never learned about sex from X-rated films and that I had a mother who gave me the Joy of Sex as a preteen to read and reread. Anyway, I've come up with eight things that have ruined porn for me today.
8) Porn Stars. If you fuck on film, you're an adult entertainer, an adult film actor/actress, whatever. Just because you fuck on film, it does not, DOES NOT, make you a porn star. I'm a fan of the porn of my youth, that early 90s porn. Ginger Lynn, Vanessa del Rio, Dominique, Savannah, Kobe Tai, Heather Hunter, these girls were porn stars. These girls today in porn, I don't even know their names. And with the market so saturated, trust me, it's got to be impossible to become a star today. I'm sure the contract girls are probably stars like Bella Donna, but it's not the same. The lustre of being a porn star is certainly gone. So if you're the girl in a three penis scene in hour number three of a gonzo film, you're not a star, honey.
7) Squirting. Somehow I went probably ten years in watching or knowing about all kinds of vile genres of pornography without ever coming across squirting. And even still, it felt like for the longest, only that Cytherea chick or whomever she is, was squirting on film. Today? EVERYONE is squirting, even the damn grip guy is squirting. And it's one thing to have sex, come on film and squirt, but it's another when it's 20 girls all squirting on one person's face or swapping squirt juice, whatever. Like seriously? If you're jerking off to this, you may as well move on to snuff films, you sick bastard.
6) Anal Scenes. DISCLAIMER--I've never stuck anything of mine into a woman's ass. The idea of it... it's not my scene. That said, I used to be quite a fan of the anal scene in a flick because it wasn't every single fucking scene. It used to be in an hour long tape, MAYBE one girl got it in the butt, and that taboo made it exciting. Now? Please. So many of our young women around the world are going to have anal problems because they're taking two in there at the same time, there's no lubrication, hell a lot of guys don't even touch the vagina and just plow the asshole. Like holy cow, people. I would assume, your average heterosexual couple who do go backdoor aren't going backdoor every sexual encounter. If you were an alien and had to learn about our sexual habits from porn... well no wonder the anal probe is so popular among Americans who've been "abducted" by aliens. Please. Stop, women. Stop letting these wild hogs blast your anal cavity to oblivion. Think about your life ten years down the road. Oh, and Brasilians, y'all really need to stop it.
5) Mandingo STILL Slays the White Girl. It's 2012, motherfuckers. 2012. Get your head around that. It's 2012. Yet, we still have actual movies like the Blindside, the Help; we still have sitcoms based in NYC or Chicago and you never see a coloured face as a passer-by nor majour character really; and yes, we still have the big black penis ripping the petite white woman's lady bits to shreds. How is this still popular in 2012?! I have the suspicion that it's neo-Nazis and white supremacists who are the biggest audience of this shit. It's tired, y'all. Move the fuck on.
4) Too Much Head, Not Enough Head. Let's say your average one-on-one heterosexual porn scene is 40 minutes. I guarantee you, 20 of those 40 minutes, the woman is blowing the guy. I'm not a big fan of a blowjob, give me one a year and I'm fine. I'm a pussy eater. I like to critique the cunnilingus in flicks but shit, they never eat any! Oh, I'm sorry, they do when they take off her panties and give a few general broad licks that encompass asshole and vulva. Wow. Looks like fun if your idea of fun someone dragging a damp washcloth down your crack, ladies. And the camera angles for the five minutes of eating suck. Like, I can't get jiggy with that shit! Furthermore, even before I saw Black Fox, my mom pulled me to the side and told me as a preteen, if you learn to love eating your woman out, you'll be in high demand. And she was right. Now there's a generation of young heterosexual men who just gloss over cunnilingus because they learn everything from XXX movies and there isn't any in said movies. Depressing. If I made movies, I'd make whole scenes of just eating pussy.
3) Lesbian Porn. I have a gay father, a few gay uncles, and over the years have had a good number of gay friends of both sexes. I've never liked lesbian porn and I've never met a lesbian who likes lesbian porn and I don't blame them. The shit is retarded. Two girls, lipsticked up, teased hair, best slutty outfits, eating box to entertain men. I get it, that sells probably, but why not gear some to actual lesbians?! Give me the scene with the butch and the lipstick who actually live a lesbian lifestyle in the bedroom rather than two girls going gay for pay. And what's with the long fingernails?! You can't do anything outside of a pap smear with those stylised nails! And the trying to look pretty while eating, stop. Get your face in there, get it messy. You'll enjoy it more. I mean I'm not a woman, but I love having remnant all in my facial hair. That's amazing. And then just attacking the clitoris from the word go... ugh, get out of here. It's so fucking bad. Maybe the studios should get actual lesbians on payroll, if not to fuck on camera, well to at least advise and make things accurate. But then again, I guess porn never claimed to be accurate.
2) Misogyny. I'm not talking about the general exploitation of women because I don't think porn as a whole does that. I do believe porn serves a function and it does pay a nice premium from my research, so exploitation, meh, whatever. I'm talking about the throat gagging, the smacking, the choking, the making a woman's mascara run, the pinching the nose while making the woman deep throat, the slapping in the face with penises, the ATMs, the constant calling of bitch and ho, the forcefulness of many scenes. It feels a lot like you're watching rape on tape rather than consenting adults. Just so much of porn seems to be "How can we get this dumb bitch to do totally disgusting shit on camera? I know! I'll fuck her in the ass unexpectedly, pull out, slap her in the eye with my penis and then make her suck me off while I choke her and spit in her face!" No part of that is entertaining nor attractive. I can't even stand to watch actual movies where there are rape scenes, but the new wave of hardcore porn, Christ. It's not okay, people. There needs to be more female adult movie makers or something.
1) Shaved Beaver. This is a fucking epidemic and my biggest complaint with porn and women today. Pubic hair is not unattractive nor does it have cooties! Stop shaving and looking like eight year old girls! Somewhere I went from all the girls I dated had at least a landing strip to all the girls shaving. Shit's not cute. I've tried to beg the wife to just let hers grow, but she's been convinced that's nasty and not ladylike. Fuck that. This is why 80s porn is the best, big bushy hairy beaver. When I go downstairs, I want to feel a nice soft muff under my nose, not stubble or baldness. I mean, really, that's like licking the top of a bald man's head, not eating some of the best stuff on earth and savouring the essence! Porn actresses, start growing out those bushes again! Don't be ashamed! And the worst part, if I want to see a woman with a big beaver, I have to look at hirsute porn, but then they have hairy legs, pleasure trails, bushy armpits, mustaches, all kinds of shit. It's a sad day when a woman thinks pubic hair is embarrassing.
There you have it. Eight things that have ruined pornography for me. It's time to take a stand against the shit we're getting now. We need a return to classic porn, more organic sex on film, not shit just to shock and awe. Thank you.
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