I was on the treadmill today, as I often am, and a song came on my playlist. I love this song, it's still one of the best songs ever recorded. However, it's a sample! The best part, everyone knows the sampled song and pretty much loves it, and yet everyone loves the song featuring the sample! This all led me to today's list: the ten best songs to feature a well-known sample, but when you hear the original song, you instinctively think of the newer song regardless. I know, that sounds like a handful. So to demonstrate, let me get into my honourable mentions and maybe then you'll get the hang of it.
Honourable Mentions:
13) Frayser Boy, "Glock In My Draws". I know. You have no idea who Frayser Boy is, and you probably wish I'd stop mentioning him. But fuck you. He's my favourite. DJ Paul and Juicy J laid down the beat for this gem, using a sample they've used before. If you know Robert Stack, you envision him wearing a trenchcoat, standing in a dark street, that's remarkably foggy and eerie. That's right, the super-producers utilised the theme from Unsolved Mysteries! Triple 6 made their money off the gloom and doom sound, so the sample makes a ton of sense. Plus, Frayser Boy kilt that shit.
12) Sugar Hill Gang, "Rappers Delight". The "first" hip-hop track made excellent use of a disco hit, "Good Times" from Chic. I love both songs, but even now, if I hear Chic, I start rapping Sugar Hill.
11) NWA, "Express Yourself". Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band made a hell of a track with Express Yourself. However, NWA took that and made it a fucking legendary classic. I dare you to listen to the original and not hear NWA. Dare you. No, go try it. See what I mean?
So now that you get the idea, let's go ahead and get through these 10 best songs to feature a well known sample, yet when you hear the original song you think of the newer song. (That's a mouthful.)
10) Wiz Khalifa, "The Kid Frankie". I'm an 80s baby but I was also an 80s kid, so fortunately, I listened to a lot of music growing up, thanks mom and dad. Loose Ends, a UK rhythm and blues group, hit the charts in 1985 with their hit "Hanging on a String (Contemplation)" and I've always loved that song. Fast forward 25 years, and Kush and OJ would take this great song and totally turn it into an even better track. That's right, before Wiz traded in respect for fame, he made "The Kid Frankie" and straight scorched it. Both songs are great, but "The Kid Frankie" has far surpassed the original. Too bad he went on to make Rolling Papers.
9) Kanye West, "Through the Wire". Chaka Khan is a diva, and we all can agree on that. She has many a good to great song in her long catalogue, but it's 1984's "Through the Fire", from her album "I Feel For You" that is necessary for this list. The year is 2003, and Kanye West goes from producer to artist with his breakout single, "Through the Wire" which relies heavily on the sped-up chorus from Chaka Khan. The story of surviving a car accident, a shattered jaw, and eating through a straw made West a household name and soon thereafter, he'd be even bigger than Jesus. And he owes it all to Chaka Khan, but let's be real, "Through the Wire" is totally better than "Through the Fire".
8) Coolio, "Fantastic Voyage". Same beat, same title, same hook basically. Before Coolio would do a similar effort with "Gangsta's Paradise", he was riding along on a Fantastic Voyage with Lakeside. Now, Lakeside has a hella funky ass hit with the original, but let's be honest, Coolio and producer Brian Dobbs made a smash with the hip-hop version. It's just infectious and makes you wanna party, or maybe eat some steak with your beans and rice. Hopefully you won't have to fear any drive-bys while your kids play outside.
7) Ice Cube, "It Was a Good Day". Ironic how a song about a good day would be based on a sample of "Footsteps in the Dark", isn't it? No one would ever think hearing footsteps in the dark could be a good thing, but when DJ Pooh took the Isley Brothers' soulful classic and looped it for Cube to spit about the Lakers beating the Supersonics (yeah, no Oklahoma City Thunder yet, kiddies), they made a masterpiece treasured by hip-hop and rap fans everywhere. If your mama cooked breakfast with no hog or you were breakin' cats with the sevens and elevens, and hell you didn't have to use your AK, this is the song for you. And if you're over 40, fine, go back and romance your better half with the original but to my generation, this will always be Ice Cube.
T-5) Eric B. and Rakim, "Paid in Full"; Junior MAFIA feat. Notorious BIG, "Get Money [RMX]". Two great songs, same great sample. When Dennis Edwards and Siedah Garrett laid down the vocals to 1984's "Don't Look Any Further", they had a great song. I heard it many times as a wee lad and still love it to this day. It's a really strong song on its own, but three years later, Eric B. and Rakim straight murked the beat with hot vocals and master mixing and scratching. Paid in Full as an album is in my top 10, and the title track, I contend is one of the best in hip-hop and rap history. 1996, DJ Enuff takes the track, keeps it a little more true to its original form, and let's Biggie and his proteges go ahead and wreck the shit with tales of blowing money on ballerrific shit, and BIG's chorus is so memorable. Both sampled tracks totally outshine the original. I also could have added 2Pac's "Hit 'Em Up" to this list too, but I don't think it's as strong of a cut if not for all the insults and disses.
4) Ma$e, "Feel So Good". Ready, reader? Party people, in the place to be, it's about that time to...AHH! That's right, by the time you hear the initial horns for Kool and the Gang's "Hollywood Swingin", you're probably already thinking about that first line screamed out by Puffy and ready to rock shiny suits. And I can't blame you. The 70s dance hit from Kool is awesome, but Ma$e and D-Dot totally turned the track on its head with this effort. In fact, the sample of "Hollywood Swingin'" is so heavy, most people ignore or don't even know that the Miami Sound Machine's "Bad Boy" is also sampled!
3) Trick Daddy Dollars, "Take It to 'da House". This isn't my south Florida bias nor is it my unconditional love for all things T-double-D, but goddamn, this song is still hot. I can come to your house right now, go to your stereo, play this song, and you'll be ready to put on your boogie shoes! KC and the Sunshine Band's disco hit, "Boogie Shoes" is good and very well known, but when given to the Righteous Funk Boogie, those horns become massive and even more catchy. I'm callin' my people all across the world, this song goes out to all you boys and girls. Go play it right now, dammit. For all the talk of Ross, Pitbull, whatever, the city still belongs to Trick Daddy.
2) Notorious B.I.G., "Big Poppa". Aw yeah. This is a bad motherfucker here. A smooth sample from the Isley Brothers' "Between the Sheets" and good vocals from an overweight tenor about all of his bitches and hoes just goes together like dick and pussy. When I thought of this list, this was the second song I thought of and you can see why it's so high on the list. The original song is so well-known, and it's quite good, but that said, put Biggie Smalls on top of it and you get the song that really launched Big into a new stratosphere. It's a great song, it is, but there's one song it can't touch...
1) MC Hammer, "U Can't Touch This". I found out what sampling was because of this track. The best song to ever come out of the Bay Area from the best and biggest artist to come out of the Bay Area. All rappers have to pay respect to Hammer. All entertainers, all dancers, everyone has to pay respect to Hammer and the mega-superstardom he attained when releasing 1990's biggest hit single. And, oh nothing, he also produced the track. Rick James' "Superfreak" is a fucking FANTASTIC song, probably the most well known out of all these sampled songs. People across all kinds of demographics know "Superfreak" and can sing a little bit of it, and probably like it. And yet that doesn't even begin to touch the tip of the iceberg of the amount of people who know, love, and can sing a bit of "U Can't Touch This". Go ahead, fake on Hammer. Say that shit is wack today, or that he's a punchline nowadays. Fuck you. This is still one of the best songs in rap and hip-hop, it's hella entertaining, it's incredibly hype, and you know damn well if "Superfreak" came on in your car, you'd think it was Hammer first and get a little upset. Bow down to the greatest song in rap and hip-hop to feature a well-known sample and totally surpass it. MC Hammer, you bitches. Here, I'll even post the link so you can watch this motherfucker put on a show!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=otCpCn0l4Wo
There ya go. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, happy Saturnalia, happy Winter Solstice, whatever else.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
2.4 -- Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
The following list is one we’re all familiar with because we’ve all fielded it. Whether at a dinner party, saddled up alongside a bar with your mates, or just hanging on the couch with others, you’ve been asked with which people you would like to have over for dinner. It’s inevitable. If you’ve never had this question, then I guess either you had shit teachers or your friends suck.
I created the following guidelines for myself: people could be alive or dead; your average table is four-sided with four chairs, so assuming one chair is for myself, only three others could attend; they had to be actual people, no fictional characters allowed. That’s it. Simple, innit?
Without further ado, my three dinner guests.
1) Subcomandante Marcos. I find this man highly intriguing. No one knows his identity. His face is always covered with a ski mask of sorts. He’s often on horseback or delivering a speech, and you will always see him with his trusted pipe. Subcomandante Marcos admits he came from a middle class family, the son of two educators, but later in life he became a revolutionary figure in Chiapas (the southernmost Mexican state). Following the Tlateloco massacre, Marcos adopted Marxism and relocated to Chiapas to organise the locals in revolution against the wealthy and the federal government. It took some time before the people signed on, but once they did, they formed the Ejercito Zapatista de Liberacion Nacional (Zapatista Army of National Liberation). They fight the good fight for the impoverished and the indigenous of Mexico, but they do it without violence and through education and demanding rights and justice. The man has 21 published books and hundreds of essays decreeing his personal beliefs and political theories. I’ve read a few and the brother is heavy. Definitely not light reading. Plus, Marcos has even written a book for children, centred on the creation legend of the Maya. I could give you many a reason to love Subcomandante Marcos, but I’m going to leave you with this one: his reason for always hiding his face in a plain black mask is to serve as a mirror for all oppressed and forgotten people.
2) Patrice Lumumba. First elected prime minister of Republic of Congo, and less than three months later thrown out in a coup. Following his ousting, he was locked up and then executed by firing squad. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that the USA played its part in that execution. Good ole USA intervention. He came of age in Congo during Belgian rule, attended parochial schools, and made good marks. He had all the qualities of becoming a good negro but eventually he looked around his nation, formed a political movement and changed his outlook during a pan-African conference where he came in contact with Kwame Nkrumah, former president of Ghana. During some time in prison for rioting, his National Congolese Movement won election and its delegates raised enough hell to get Lumumba out, allowing him to attend the Brussels conference. The result of the conference ended with Congo getting its own declaration of independence and establishing another election. Lumumba’s party won yet again and he became the first prime minister of Congo. Not to be outdone by King Baudouin of Belgium, who threw a celebratory get-together for the press and his people, Lumumba spoke to his Congolese constituency and declared that his people were no longer Belgium’s monkeys. Of course, this met the ire of the western world. Fast forward, Patrice Lumumba decided to up all government employees pay…but not the military. (You can see where this is going, right?) Series of small rebellions sweep through Congo, sending white people fleeing back to Europe. Katanga province seceded from Congo, and this was all that Belgium needed to see before deciding to get back in the game for control of Congo and its resources. Eventually, Lumumba was arrested and promptly executed. We’d later find out that his pan-African ways were not in line with what Belgium and the USA wanted, so it’s not surprising to find out both countries aided in his assassination. Even Dwight Eisenhower demanded Lumumba’s death. Anyway, although guys like Garvey and Nkrumah get all the limelight in the pan-Africa discussion, Patrice Lumumba was right there with them. He could have become Africa’s Simon Bolivar, leading the charge to rid the continent of colonial forces and imperialism. If you need to know why this man is so important, it’s simple. Malcolm X called him the greatest black man who ever walked the African continent. A few short years after his murder, Ernesto Guevara, with the help of Fidel Castro, attempted to help Congo in their fight for liberation. Ultimately, it was unsuccessful.
3) Camilo Cienfuegos. First thing I must say, I've already lived longer than Camilo. That's astonishing in itself. He's on my list, definite dinner guest, and the man died at 27. (But then again, Lumumba died at 35.) The early life isn't so important with him, outside of one thing--he grew up under two anarchist parents who emigrated to Cuba from Spain just before the civil war. Camilo discovered his political side when he became involved with underground student movements against then president Fulgencio Batista. After some kerfuffles in Havana, he moved to New York City before being kicked out after his paperwork expired. He then found himself in Mexico, and it would be here where he'd meet Fidel Castro and would set sail to Cuba on the Granma to start the revolution. He would be come a key figure in the Cuban rebel army and a right-hand-man of sorts to both Castros and Che Guevara. It was Cienfuegos' column that defeated the Cuban army in Yaguajay, leading to a surrender of the garrison there. On this same day, Guevara led another column that also won its battle, both leading to an end of the revolution and victory for the guerrillas. Post revolution, Castro placed Cienfuegos in high command over the new Cuban army and in charge of numerous activities, including squashing all anti-Fidel movements. So yes, I'm quite sure he's killed innocent people; paranoia and power can be a deadly combination, but the man was highly loyal to the revolution and its principles. The circumstances around his death are murky, and some even suggest Fidel put a hit out on Camilo Cienfuegos but most historians dispute this. Camilo was such a figure in the history of the new Cuba that Che named his son Camilo. To this day, his life is honoured every 28th of October, where Cubans throw flowers into the sea, commemorating his death which took place (?) on water. (Remember, I told you the circumstances around his death are murky.)
So there you have it. My three dinner guests. If it's not apparent to you already, I'm a Marxist, I believe that the way to fix the western world is through armed struggle, I stand for any and all oppressed people, be they African, Latin, indigenous, female, whatever. The common bond is these three people were all about revolution, be it peaceful like Marcos or wrought with war like Cienfuegos or in the middle like Lumumba. All three envision a world where the ignored take a stand and change their surroundings for the better. To be able to sit down with three titans of liberation would be a mind orgasm. The fact that all three are to the extreme left or at least far left (Lumumba can't quite be nailed down on the spectrum), that's a bonus. I mean I guess Ben Franklin is a revolutionary too, but to me that's like saying Elvis is rock and roll.
Feel free to tell me who would be your dinner guests. My ears are open.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
2.3 -- Ten Favourite Pro Athletes of My Lifetime.
And the lists just keep a-comin'. I'm not sure what the catalyst for this list was, but nonetheless, it's here. I'm a guy who loves sports, and quite often, my favourite players play for my teams and are rarely the stars. It's too easy to like the stars. Why like Brett Favre when you can like Mike Chmura? (Grew up a Packers fan, even still have a Chewy Starting Lineup figure.) Some of my faves though are Hall of Fame players or big time names in their sports, but hey, shit happens.
Alright, enough prologue, let's get into it. Honourable mentions: Bimbo Coles, Dan Majerle during time with Miami Heat; Carlos Valderrama; Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison (my favourite Marlins currently, and quickly becoming favourite players; Salvador Cabañas (Miss you, Chava).
10-tie) Marco Etcheverry and Jaime Moreno; DC United. Etcheverry was the talisman for the early years of DCU, controlling the midfield and winning three MLS Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, an MLS MVP, and was named to MLS All-Time XI. El Diablo played 190 games for the club and scored only 34 goals, but his services led to many more. Etcheverry's fellow countryman, Jaime Moreno, played in over 300 games between two stints with DCU winning four MLS Cups, two US Open Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, and was named to MLS Best XI five times. Moreno was also the first in MLS history to score 100 goals and have 100 assists in his career. He retired having scored the most goals in MLS history. If you want to know why DCU are big on tradition, why Barra Brava have a strong presence, and why we expect more out of the club, look no farther than these two Bolivians.
8. Olaf Kolzig; Washington Capitals. I've always loved hockey, but it wasn't until I moved to DC and would go to games a lot and really pay attention to how the game is played. I had favourite players prior to Olie the Goalie, but he was the first one I'd go to see live and would scream his name from the nosebleeds. Fourteen years in the District, a Stanley Cup finals appearance, a Vezina trophy in 2000, two-time all-star, and owning most of the career and single season Caps goaltending records makes Olie still a favourite to me, and many DC hockey fans. Plus, the guy has done tons of work in the DC community and works hard raising awareness for autism and autism research. He's truly a class act.
7. Tie Domi; Toronto Maple Leafs. This guy will always be my favourite enforcer and the only hockey player I loved who never played for my team. He threw a cheap shot at Ulf Samuelsson, he squirted water at a heckling fan and then proceeded to scare the shit out of him when the fan fell into the penalty box (classic video highlight), and knocked Scott Niedermayer unconscious. He beat Tiger Williams' record of penalty minutes in a season, played 1000 games, and still managed to score 100 goals. Go back and watch the playoff series in the early 00s between the Leafs and Isles, and you'll see vintage Domi. And any game between the Flyers and Leafs, you knew Domi was guaranteed a fight. God, I love this guy.
6. Dan Marino; Miami Dolphins. Long before I ever moved to South Florida, I watched a lot of Phins games. Can't explain nor understand why either. However, Danny was always my favourite NFL quarterback. He's a Pittsburgh native, as I am, too bad he went to Pitt and not WVU though; he has Italian heritage, as does my family; all that stuff helped. But way before the rules changed and allowed Brees and Rodgers to throw and throw and throw and throw, Marino was doing it at a time where you could crush the quarterback and manhandle the receivers. The all-time leader in passing yards in a season, Marino saw a bunch of records fall to Brett Favre, but now, even the single season passing yards record looks threatened this year. The most endearing thing about Danny was that he never won a Super Bowl. That really makes me like him and defend him even more. Forget Wilt Chamberlain, Marino is the best #13 ever.
5. Dale Earnhardt. I was never a fan of the Intimidator, but I ate up the mystique and legend surrounding him. The worst thing you could ever see in your rear view mirror on the final lap was that black #3. You knew Dale was gonna tap you and pass you. That aggressive attitude is how he won seven Winston Cup titles and 76 races. Some of my favourite memories of Dale include when he rattled Terry Labonte's cage at Bristol '95, the long line of crew members who congratulated him on his first and only Daytona 500 win in 1998, his win over Bobby Labonte in 2000 at Atlanta by thousandths of a second, and the No Bull win at Talladega where he gained some 15 or so positions in the last five laps. I can still remember where I was when I found out that Dale died at Daytona. It's still video I hate to see as I'm guaranteed to cry to this day 10 years later. Since his death, I became a fan of the man who would take over his car at RCR. Jeff Gordon is probably the best driver ever, King Petty is still right there, and Jimmie Johnson will probably get there one day, but for me, Dale is my favourite driver.
4. Cuauhtemoc Blanco; Club America and Mexico national football team. My personal favourite footballer ever, only if we can exclude his time at Chicago Fire. Over 300 appearances for America, 121 caps for El Tri, and a ton of goals scored, Blanco is the man. You know you're doing something right when people either love you or hate you, and this is definitely true for Temo. His crowning moment to me will be the 10th star he won at America, helping defeat Tecos. His celebration is still the best in the game, genuflecting on bended knee and striking the pose of the Archer. And who can forget the Cuauhtemiña?! Easiest trick ever, but it's still pretty fucking cool. Two Gold Cups, a Confederations Cup, a Champions Cup, four Primera Division MVPs, Blanco is like Mexican footballing Jesus. And he hates Chivas.
3. Cal Ripken, Jr; Baltimore Orioles. I grew up in Baltimore, I watched every Orioles game, the man is god. I don't have to justify this one. It's Cal fuckin' Ripken.
2. Mario Lemieux; Pittsburgh Penguins. Much like Cal Ripken, this needs to explanation. Born in Pittsburgh, and started with Pens hockey, so Le Magnifique is still the best ever to lace up. Fuck Gretzky. If Lemieux didn't have so many injuries from being such a power forward, their numbers would be much closer. But we saw Gretzky as a coach, Lemieux as owner trumps so much Gretzky has done and could ever do if you ask me. 66 > 99.
1. Dennis Rodman; San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, LA Lakers, Dallas Mavericks. You can tell by my list, I'm no NBA fan. I watched it often as a child, but it's never been a favourite sport of mine. Somehow, the Worm is still tops of all athletes when it comes to me. I read all of his books, I watched his reality show on MTV, I still have his Oprah interview on VHS. I have four Rodman jerseys in my closet right now. I didn't know him as a Piston, but since his days with the Spurs, I took note and followed him everywhere. When I would play on the blacktop, my friends would always pick me first or second because they knew I'd fight for rebounds, didn't care about scoring much, and would throw an elbow if I had to. I modeled my whole style after Rodman. People go on and on about Jordan and Pippen, but go watch the last three-peat of the Bulls and see how much dirty work Rodman did. Go back to the Pistons titles and see what a young Dennis Rodman was doing. There will never be a better inch-for-inch, pound-for-pound rebounder in the NBA now or ever than Dennis Rodman. It was so hard rooting for him and the Bulls too being a Heat fan back then, but I did it for my dog. And to back up all of his work on the court, he had such a personality to capture attention. Plus, the man shagged a lot of top-notch pussy too. His stories of generosity to homeless people and those in need loom large, but are often overlooked. Other kids wanted to be Jordan or Magic, I always wanted to be the Worm. No coincidence since his retirement, NBA has meant very little to me.
Alright, enough prologue, let's get into it. Honourable mentions: Bimbo Coles, Dan Majerle during time with Miami Heat; Carlos Valderrama; Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison (my favourite Marlins currently, and quickly becoming favourite players; Salvador Cabañas (Miss you, Chava).
10-tie) Marco Etcheverry and Jaime Moreno; DC United. Etcheverry was the talisman for the early years of DCU, controlling the midfield and winning three MLS Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, an MLS MVP, and was named to MLS All-Time XI. El Diablo played 190 games for the club and scored only 34 goals, but his services led to many more. Etcheverry's fellow countryman, Jaime Moreno, played in over 300 games between two stints with DCU winning four MLS Cups, two US Open Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, and was named to MLS Best XI five times. Moreno was also the first in MLS history to score 100 goals and have 100 assists in his career. He retired having scored the most goals in MLS history. If you want to know why DCU are big on tradition, why Barra Brava have a strong presence, and why we expect more out of the club, look no farther than these two Bolivians.
8. Olaf Kolzig; Washington Capitals. I've always loved hockey, but it wasn't until I moved to DC and would go to games a lot and really pay attention to how the game is played. I had favourite players prior to Olie the Goalie, but he was the first one I'd go to see live and would scream his name from the nosebleeds. Fourteen years in the District, a Stanley Cup finals appearance, a Vezina trophy in 2000, two-time all-star, and owning most of the career and single season Caps goaltending records makes Olie still a favourite to me, and many DC hockey fans. Plus, the guy has done tons of work in the DC community and works hard raising awareness for autism and autism research. He's truly a class act.
7. Tie Domi; Toronto Maple Leafs. This guy will always be my favourite enforcer and the only hockey player I loved who never played for my team. He threw a cheap shot at Ulf Samuelsson, he squirted water at a heckling fan and then proceeded to scare the shit out of him when the fan fell into the penalty box (classic video highlight), and knocked Scott Niedermayer unconscious. He beat Tiger Williams' record of penalty minutes in a season, played 1000 games, and still managed to score 100 goals. Go back and watch the playoff series in the early 00s between the Leafs and Isles, and you'll see vintage Domi. And any game between the Flyers and Leafs, you knew Domi was guaranteed a fight. God, I love this guy.
6. Dan Marino; Miami Dolphins. Long before I ever moved to South Florida, I watched a lot of Phins games. Can't explain nor understand why either. However, Danny was always my favourite NFL quarterback. He's a Pittsburgh native, as I am, too bad he went to Pitt and not WVU though; he has Italian heritage, as does my family; all that stuff helped. But way before the rules changed and allowed Brees and Rodgers to throw and throw and throw and throw, Marino was doing it at a time where you could crush the quarterback and manhandle the receivers. The all-time leader in passing yards in a season, Marino saw a bunch of records fall to Brett Favre, but now, even the single season passing yards record looks threatened this year. The most endearing thing about Danny was that he never won a Super Bowl. That really makes me like him and defend him even more. Forget Wilt Chamberlain, Marino is the best #13 ever.
5. Dale Earnhardt. I was never a fan of the Intimidator, but I ate up the mystique and legend surrounding him. The worst thing you could ever see in your rear view mirror on the final lap was that black #3. You knew Dale was gonna tap you and pass you. That aggressive attitude is how he won seven Winston Cup titles and 76 races. Some of my favourite memories of Dale include when he rattled Terry Labonte's cage at Bristol '95, the long line of crew members who congratulated him on his first and only Daytona 500 win in 1998, his win over Bobby Labonte in 2000 at Atlanta by thousandths of a second, and the No Bull win at Talladega where he gained some 15 or so positions in the last five laps. I can still remember where I was when I found out that Dale died at Daytona. It's still video I hate to see as I'm guaranteed to cry to this day 10 years later. Since his death, I became a fan of the man who would take over his car at RCR. Jeff Gordon is probably the best driver ever, King Petty is still right there, and Jimmie Johnson will probably get there one day, but for me, Dale is my favourite driver.
4. Cuauhtemoc Blanco; Club America and Mexico national football team. My personal favourite footballer ever, only if we can exclude his time at Chicago Fire. Over 300 appearances for America, 121 caps for El Tri, and a ton of goals scored, Blanco is the man. You know you're doing something right when people either love you or hate you, and this is definitely true for Temo. His crowning moment to me will be the 10th star he won at America, helping defeat Tecos. His celebration is still the best in the game, genuflecting on bended knee and striking the pose of the Archer. And who can forget the Cuauhtemiña?! Easiest trick ever, but it's still pretty fucking cool. Two Gold Cups, a Confederations Cup, a Champions Cup, four Primera Division MVPs, Blanco is like Mexican footballing Jesus. And he hates Chivas.
3. Cal Ripken, Jr; Baltimore Orioles. I grew up in Baltimore, I watched every Orioles game, the man is god. I don't have to justify this one. It's Cal fuckin' Ripken.
2. Mario Lemieux; Pittsburgh Penguins. Much like Cal Ripken, this needs to explanation. Born in Pittsburgh, and started with Pens hockey, so Le Magnifique is still the best ever to lace up. Fuck Gretzky. If Lemieux didn't have so many injuries from being such a power forward, their numbers would be much closer. But we saw Gretzky as a coach, Lemieux as owner trumps so much Gretzky has done and could ever do if you ask me. 66 > 99.
1. Dennis Rodman; San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, LA Lakers, Dallas Mavericks. You can tell by my list, I'm no NBA fan. I watched it often as a child, but it's never been a favourite sport of mine. Somehow, the Worm is still tops of all athletes when it comes to me. I read all of his books, I watched his reality show on MTV, I still have his Oprah interview on VHS. I have four Rodman jerseys in my closet right now. I didn't know him as a Piston, but since his days with the Spurs, I took note and followed him everywhere. When I would play on the blacktop, my friends would always pick me first or second because they knew I'd fight for rebounds, didn't care about scoring much, and would throw an elbow if I had to. I modeled my whole style after Rodman. People go on and on about Jordan and Pippen, but go watch the last three-peat of the Bulls and see how much dirty work Rodman did. Go back to the Pistons titles and see what a young Dennis Rodman was doing. There will never be a better inch-for-inch, pound-for-pound rebounder in the NBA now or ever than Dennis Rodman. It was so hard rooting for him and the Bulls too being a Heat fan back then, but I did it for my dog. And to back up all of his work on the court, he had such a personality to capture attention. Plus, the man shagged a lot of top-notch pussy too. His stories of generosity to homeless people and those in need loom large, but are often overlooked. Other kids wanted to be Jordan or Magic, I always wanted to be the Worm. No coincidence since his retirement, NBA has meant very little to me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
2.2 -- Don't Believe the Hype: Seven Very Popular Things I Just Don't Understand.
I told you season two would be all lists. Don't worry, this season is only 12 episodes, so bear with me. Anyway, last week, we went through the 10 best albums in hip-hop and rap according to me. Interestingly enough, this week's episode kinda spun off last week's.
I was surfing theGrio.com and came across what they ranked as the top 10 albums in rap and R&B for 2011 and I saw one artist that I just don't get all the fuss. I see him being hyped up, tweeted out as the torch bearer of today's hip-hop, and see people that I would never call a hip-hop head nor rap fan quoting him. So kudos, J Cole, your high level of popularity is the driving force behind this entry.
It's not that I'm saying the guy isn't decent. He's alright. I enjoyed some of his mixtape work enough, but his studio album. Meh. You can have it back. To me, he's gone the way of Big Sean and Wiz Khalifa, although he's not nearly as bad. He has a chance to come back strong still; to me, the other two have walked the plank.
Any who, without further ado, here are seven things that America loves and I just don't get it. (These items aren't ranked in any order.)
1. New York City. I don't like New York City, never have liked New York City. It's really four cities and a Jersey suburb crammed on an island, but for some reason it's constantly romanticised. Its bright lights and Manhattan shopping make young women dream of being a Carrie Bradshaw, who although doesn't make much money as a columnist, somehow she can afford to live in the City, buy high-priced shoes, eat out every night, and drink at bars like no tomorrow. Is it any coincidence that by the end of it, she needed to marry Big because, hello, the bitch was in debt! Take a show like Friends and it's just six people that you'd never really want to hang with, who all live in some of the most expansive NYC apartments I've ever seen, and one of them worked at a coffee shop forever. This constant notion of urban glamour causes plenty of Midwesterners and small town folk to flock to NYC only to find out they cannot afford it and will probably never live in Manhattan and will be stuck in a studio at the edge of the Bronx, spending 1200 bucks on rent alone and eating bologna and cereal (Theo Huxtable reference). Okay, so what? They have big floppy slices of pizza. They also have $10 cigarettes. And I don't even smoke, but jesus, that's a lot. And sure, they are the centre of business in the USA. But, really, how many of us are graduating from Vassar and Wharton and looking to break in big with a Fortune 100? New York is a crock, it's densely populated, it's cold, the people are assholes for the most part, and they all think the sun doesn't rise until the first rays are felt on the Chrysler Building.
2. The Kardashian Sisters. These three Witches of Eastwick make me sick. Why are any of these whores famous? I didn't know all you had to do was fuck a D-List R&B singer on tape and leak it to the public and you'd become famous. And for all the talk of she's so fine, she's got a big ass, she's curvy when speaking of Kim, I can only say either the people who think this are white or uphold the Eurocentric view of beauty. For her to be curvy and shit, you must think size 3 is average. For her ass to be big, you've never taken a walk through Carol City or Anacostia or hell, Bed-Stuy in the aforementioned shit-hole NYC. As for the other ones, Kunt and Khewbacca, it's even more amazing that they're famous because their sister fucked a minor music star. And to have clothing stores, lingerie, perfumes, music singles, television shows, like seriously America. Do you really wonder why somewhere in Central Asia and the Middle East, there's a young man out there ready to blow us the fuck up? Are we really so displeased with our own lives that we'd tune in to see three ugly whores, their attention-starved mother, their washed-up stepfather and whomever the hell else, run up credit card bills buying highly unnecessary shit and marrying athletes only to divorce them an episode later? Oh and please, don't give me stick about the Eurocentrism bit because they're coloured of some sort. When the mother is both Dutch and British of some kind, and the father's lineage comes from Eurasia, I see Europe, Europe, and Europe.
3. Twilight. I don't know shit about it other than there's vampires, werewolves, pasty white kids, and a whole lot of Lemmings going in droves to see this shit. And if you read the books too, you should be exiled to Elba. (Napoleon reference.)
4. The NFL. I'm a sports fan. I spend most of my time watching sports when the television is on. I enjoy the NFL. I frequently watch Raiders games and Dolphins games, however I don't dedicate my Sundays to it. I almost never watch the Thursday or Monday night games. And only occasionally, will I tune into the Sunday night game, but chances are it's never a full game but minutes watched at a time. There is way too much coverage, time, and emphasis spent on the NFL. ESPN, the worst network on television, has NFL Live every day, NFL 32, plus Sportscenter, Around the Horn, PTI, DLHQ, Cold Pizza or whatever it's called now, all these shows are heavy on NFL talk. NFL Network, self-explanatory. You can't even watch your weekly college football game without them talking about who can and cannot transition to the next level. Personally, it's too fucking much. I was hoping the lockout would last a season. Again, I do enjoy the NFL, but when is enough too much?? There's still NHL, soccer all over the world, NBA is back, MLB hot stove talk, but no, we have to know what Tom Brady had for lunch and discuss if the Colts could ever cut Peyton Manning. And yet still lost in all of this NFL saturation is we seem to talk about the same six teams every day and the same few players. You never get to see a piece on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the St. Louis Rams. But you'll know everything you need to know about either the Jets or Giants and New England. Enough is enough.
5. Mobile Phones. This one, this is personal. It was different when they were just phones, and even somewhat acceptable when you could send a short text. But now, they're full blown televisions, computers, and probably all have apps to have virtual sex. I watch my wife have long conversations just through text. It's like, hello, you're using the phone to have such a detailed conversation. How about just call the person? But that's too easy. I've been without a mobile for about a year. I can't say I miss it. But even still when I had it, it wasn't a need. I used it more to say I'm around the corner or You busy? than anything of insignificance. I didn't have a super duper phone nor did I use it to play music, purchase movie tickets, or fuck. And what really pisses me off is this. I dare you to go for a walk along a busy street in your neighbourhood and find an intersection and observe for just 10 minutes. See how many people are chatting or texting on the phone and then think about how much you use and require your phone.
6. Chain Restaurants. It's shit food, cooked with no passion or care, with shit frozen ingredients, and you can get the same plate in Miami as you can get in Milwaukee. That's a problem, don't you think? Besides, the places all look the same, there's no charm, no level of comfort. And you could easily cook a better tasting meal, with better ingredients, and better for your body. Besides, Olive Garden is nothing like anything I've seen my family cook. And there are no chimichangas in Mexico.
7. Tyler Perry. If you've never seen a minstrel show, please, go pick up anything this man has done and enjoy.
I was surfing theGrio.com and came across what they ranked as the top 10 albums in rap and R&B for 2011 and I saw one artist that I just don't get all the fuss. I see him being hyped up, tweeted out as the torch bearer of today's hip-hop, and see people that I would never call a hip-hop head nor rap fan quoting him. So kudos, J Cole, your high level of popularity is the driving force behind this entry.
It's not that I'm saying the guy isn't decent. He's alright. I enjoyed some of his mixtape work enough, but his studio album. Meh. You can have it back. To me, he's gone the way of Big Sean and Wiz Khalifa, although he's not nearly as bad. He has a chance to come back strong still; to me, the other two have walked the plank.
Any who, without further ado, here are seven things that America loves and I just don't get it. (These items aren't ranked in any order.)
1. New York City. I don't like New York City, never have liked New York City. It's really four cities and a Jersey suburb crammed on an island, but for some reason it's constantly romanticised. Its bright lights and Manhattan shopping make young women dream of being a Carrie Bradshaw, who although doesn't make much money as a columnist, somehow she can afford to live in the City, buy high-priced shoes, eat out every night, and drink at bars like no tomorrow. Is it any coincidence that by the end of it, she needed to marry Big because, hello, the bitch was in debt! Take a show like Friends and it's just six people that you'd never really want to hang with, who all live in some of the most expansive NYC apartments I've ever seen, and one of them worked at a coffee shop forever. This constant notion of urban glamour causes plenty of Midwesterners and small town folk to flock to NYC only to find out they cannot afford it and will probably never live in Manhattan and will be stuck in a studio at the edge of the Bronx, spending 1200 bucks on rent alone and eating bologna and cereal (Theo Huxtable reference). Okay, so what? They have big floppy slices of pizza. They also have $10 cigarettes. And I don't even smoke, but jesus, that's a lot. And sure, they are the centre of business in the USA. But, really, how many of us are graduating from Vassar and Wharton and looking to break in big with a Fortune 100? New York is a crock, it's densely populated, it's cold, the people are assholes for the most part, and they all think the sun doesn't rise until the first rays are felt on the Chrysler Building.
2. The Kardashian Sisters. These three Witches of Eastwick make me sick. Why are any of these whores famous? I didn't know all you had to do was fuck a D-List R&B singer on tape and leak it to the public and you'd become famous. And for all the talk of she's so fine, she's got a big ass, she's curvy when speaking of Kim, I can only say either the people who think this are white or uphold the Eurocentric view of beauty. For her to be curvy and shit, you must think size 3 is average. For her ass to be big, you've never taken a walk through Carol City or Anacostia or hell, Bed-Stuy in the aforementioned shit-hole NYC. As for the other ones, Kunt and Khewbacca, it's even more amazing that they're famous because their sister fucked a minor music star. And to have clothing stores, lingerie, perfumes, music singles, television shows, like seriously America. Do you really wonder why somewhere in Central Asia and the Middle East, there's a young man out there ready to blow us the fuck up? Are we really so displeased with our own lives that we'd tune in to see three ugly whores, their attention-starved mother, their washed-up stepfather and whomever the hell else, run up credit card bills buying highly unnecessary shit and marrying athletes only to divorce them an episode later? Oh and please, don't give me stick about the Eurocentrism bit because they're coloured of some sort. When the mother is both Dutch and British of some kind, and the father's lineage comes from Eurasia, I see Europe, Europe, and Europe.
3. Twilight. I don't know shit about it other than there's vampires, werewolves, pasty white kids, and a whole lot of Lemmings going in droves to see this shit. And if you read the books too, you should be exiled to Elba. (Napoleon reference.)
4. The NFL. I'm a sports fan. I spend most of my time watching sports when the television is on. I enjoy the NFL. I frequently watch Raiders games and Dolphins games, however I don't dedicate my Sundays to it. I almost never watch the Thursday or Monday night games. And only occasionally, will I tune into the Sunday night game, but chances are it's never a full game but minutes watched at a time. There is way too much coverage, time, and emphasis spent on the NFL. ESPN, the worst network on television, has NFL Live every day, NFL 32, plus Sportscenter, Around the Horn, PTI, DLHQ, Cold Pizza or whatever it's called now, all these shows are heavy on NFL talk. NFL Network, self-explanatory. You can't even watch your weekly college football game without them talking about who can and cannot transition to the next level. Personally, it's too fucking much. I was hoping the lockout would last a season. Again, I do enjoy the NFL, but when is enough too much?? There's still NHL, soccer all over the world, NBA is back, MLB hot stove talk, but no, we have to know what Tom Brady had for lunch and discuss if the Colts could ever cut Peyton Manning. And yet still lost in all of this NFL saturation is we seem to talk about the same six teams every day and the same few players. You never get to see a piece on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the St. Louis Rams. But you'll know everything you need to know about either the Jets or Giants and New England. Enough is enough.
5. Mobile Phones. This one, this is personal. It was different when they were just phones, and even somewhat acceptable when you could send a short text. But now, they're full blown televisions, computers, and probably all have apps to have virtual sex. I watch my wife have long conversations just through text. It's like, hello, you're using the phone to have such a detailed conversation. How about just call the person? But that's too easy. I've been without a mobile for about a year. I can't say I miss it. But even still when I had it, it wasn't a need. I used it more to say I'm around the corner or You busy? than anything of insignificance. I didn't have a super duper phone nor did I use it to play music, purchase movie tickets, or fuck. And what really pisses me off is this. I dare you to go for a walk along a busy street in your neighbourhood and find an intersection and observe for just 10 minutes. See how many people are chatting or texting on the phone and then think about how much you use and require your phone.
6. Chain Restaurants. It's shit food, cooked with no passion or care, with shit frozen ingredients, and you can get the same plate in Miami as you can get in Milwaukee. That's a problem, don't you think? Besides, the places all look the same, there's no charm, no level of comfort. And you could easily cook a better tasting meal, with better ingredients, and better for your body. Besides, Olive Garden is nothing like anything I've seen my family cook. And there are no chimichangas in Mexico.
7. Tyler Perry. If you've never seen a minstrel show, please, go pick up anything this man has done and enjoy.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Season Premiere! 2.1 -- Ten Greatest Albums in Hip-Hop and Rap (According to Chuy, at least.)
We're back, motherfuckers. That's right, season two is finally here. I really didn't think this blog would make it past season one, but enough of you bastards seem to like to read my random lists, rants, and rambles so here's a new season. Twelve episode, all lists. That's right, all lists. I'll even take some reader suggestions, so if you have a top five, three, 12, 10, whatever, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
That brings us to the series premiere episode. I love music, all kinds of music: punk, new wave, grime, dubstep, ragga, dancehall, dark house, house, trance, happy hardcore, death metal, indie, go-go, whatever. But probably my favourite is rap and hip-hop. To many out of the scene, people think it's one in the same but it's not. To me, the production, topics, the overall mood of hip-hop is far different than rap. Hip-Hop can make you feel good at the end of a record or album; after a rap record or album, you pretty much want to either fight, fuck, or get high/drunk.
I thought of this list while coming home from the gym and listening to what I think is the greatest album in rap and/or hip-hop ever and immediately thought of about 30 albums, but I knew what would be the top seven. So let's skip the bullshit and get into the list, but first, honourable mentions.
Honourable Mentions: These albums are great but can't crack my top 10--Kanye West, "Late Registration"; Ol' Dirty Bastard, "Return to the 36 Chambers: the Dirty Versions"; Ras Kass, "Soul on Ice"; Brand Nubian, "Foundation"; Run DMC, Self-titled debut, Triple 6 Mafia, "Mystic Stylez".
And now, my stupid ass 10 Greatest Rap/Hip-Hop Albums ever.
10. Juvenile, "400 Degreez" (1998). Juvenile debuted with little fanfare outside of New Orleans with the subpar efforts Being Myself and later Solja Rags, but it wasn't until his third studio effort that the country took notice. Complete with a terrible Pen and Pixel cover and during a maelstrom of bounce-influenced rap setting the country on fire, thanks to No Limit, Cash Money records put out their best album with 400 Degreez. The hit single, "Ha", still gets hella plays but it's not the only track worth a replay. "Ghetto Children", "Welcome 2 tha Nolia", "Juvenile on Fire", and "Flossin' Season" are definite strong tracks. The Big Tymers make another classic intro, and let's not forget that "Back That Azz Up" is also on this album, along with the notoriously popular title track, "400 Degreez". The re-release isn't worth it, hearing the two remixes of Ha (one featuring the Hot Boyz, and the other featuring Jay-Z are boring) and "Follow Me Now" is catchy, but can be skipped. In all, 400 Degreez is one album that most people I know would agree is a classic, and probably vastly underrated for its mix of club tracks and hood hits.
9. A Tribe Called Quest, "The Low End Theory" (1991). Forget "Off the Wall" vs. "Thriller", the battle between which Tribe album is king is just as epic. Some say "Midnight Marauders", but I'm one who says it's "The Low End Theory", and to me it's not even close. Songs like "Check the Rhime", "The Infamous Date Rape", and "Jazz (We've Got)" stand out and always get a second play for me. "Verses from the Abstract" another favourite Tribe track for me. In fact, most of my favourite Tribe cuts come from this album, hence why it makes my top 10 and over "Midnight Marauders". Plus, we all know the final cut on the album, "Scenario" is one of the strongest posse cuts in hip-hop and had such a groundbreaking video. All of this brings LET in at number nine on my list. Some people would think this is criminal though to rank this album so low, but bear with me.
8. Trick Daddy Dollars, "Thugs Are Us" (2001). Maybe it's my adopted home state of Florida, maybe it's there's a little thug in every rap fan, or maybe it's the sounds of the Righteous Funk Boogie who produced most of the album that make TDD's fourth album number eight all-time for me. I wanted to go with "Based on a True Story", but at the end of the day, this album is Trick's best. Beginning with an intro where Trick explains to a jit somewhere in Richmond Heights that he should stay in school and not be a thug. After 30 seconds of this, it slides right into hit single, "I'm a Thug". By this time, you should be all in on this album. It's not a perfect project though, as Trick takes time to promote homeboy, Deuce Poppi with about three solo tracks and all are straight garbage, and Trina has the "Pull Over Remix" and "For All the Ladies", but for the majority of the album, it's all Trick, all thug shit. Favourite tracks include: "Take It to da House", "Noodle", "N Word", "Can't Fuck wit tha South". Most FAMU students would know the latter, but only up to the line, "Wait one motherfuckin' minute!" Points to you if you know what comes after that line.
7. Frayser Boy, "Gone on That Bay" (2003). A lot of people wonder why Frayser Boy, a guy who came onto the scene with Triple 6 and Hypnotize Minds after their run in the national spotlight was dwindling, is my favourite rapper. No, he's not spectacular and he's not witty. He's said shit you've heard before, and often you can predict the next line. However, I give you two people: Sean and Nuekeller. Two of my bruh-bruhs fo-real-fo-real. They came to my house one night and I made them listen to this album. I told them, I couldn't explain why it's one of my all-time favourites, especially seeing that I didn't expect anything special. It starts with an intro title track which samples Haydn's Sonata no. 59 (more popularly known as Lestat's Sonata), and the bass drops and Frayser Boy spits one of the hardest rhymes to come out of Hypnotize Minds in a long time. When it finished, my friend says to me, "I totally see how after the intro, you're hooked in." "Flickin'", "Every Day Thang", "Wish a Mutha Would", "Had to Get'em", and "Bloody Murder" (which features my friend's favourite line of "Gon' kill these niggas, leave 'em hangin' like apostrophes") are very good to great tracks. "Closed Mouth", outside of the title track, is by far my favourite, for lines such as "Now ya got me lookin' for ya like an easter egg hunt" and "Smoke so much green, niggas call me St. Patrick." You probably have never heard a Frayser Boy track, so go on youtube and just give it a try. Love this album.
6. Eric B. and Rakim, "Paid in Full" (1987). First off, to me, Rakim is still the greatest MC to ever grab a mic and spit a rhyme. Eric B was the perfect DJ to cut up records and lay down samples to further let Rakim shine as an MC. Paid in Full is a magnum opus in hip-hop, and definitely the duo's best. I wanted to put it higher, but my top five speak to me personally and take me to times where I can remember first hearing them and being mesmerised. I had older cousins who spun this LP all of the time and it never got old then, still doesn't get old. "Chinese Arithmetic" is probably the least known track on the album, but it's one of my favourites. Eric B. mixes in a generic Asian sound with hard bass and it just blends perfectly. The hits are nonstop on this album, though: "Eric B. For President", "I Ain't No Joke", "Move the Crowd", "Eric B. Is on the Cut", "I Know You Got Soul", and the classic title track "Paid in Full" which introduced the "Don't Look Any Further" sample to rap. This album is a must-have. I own it on both cassette and CD. If you do not have Paid, you're no rap or hip-hop fan. That simple. This album defines the golden age of MCing and DJing.
5. Immortal Technique, "The 3rd World" (2008). Hot fuckin' fire. It was a five year layoff between Revolutionary, vol. 2 and this album, but apparently, those five years allowed Technique to make 16 tracks of straight heat for the thinking man. This isn't your average person's music. It's highly Marxist, revolutionary, and quite politically charged. The title track, "The 3rd World", is the third most played record on my iPod, and is by far the standout song on this album. Here's a link with lyrics if you've never heard it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOINSUWOqyo). Other songs like "Golpe de Estado" and "Death March" show you Technique spits his rhymes for the black and the brown, the oppressed, the masses who are often forgotten and never shown on television or in your local paper. Being an Afro-Latino with Peruvian heritage and growing up in Harlem greatly influenced his style and I'm thankful for it. Frayser Boy may be my favourite rapper, Rakim may be the best ever to me, but somehow Immortal Technique trumps them both, you figure it out. Favourite tracks: "Payback" which features Ras Kass (I love Ras Kass), "Mistakes", and "Harlem Renaissance".
4. Ghostface Killah, "Ironman" (1996). What do you get when you mix one of my favourite MCs from the best crew in music history, blaxploitation movies, soul samples, and the RZA and True Master on production? A fucking classic. Ironman was Ghost's debut as a solo artist, although he featured Raekwon and Cappadonna often, but it's one of the best albums ever. Full of supreme mathematics and alphabet references, Ghostface brings a lot of hot rhymes over tight production. The first single, "Daytona 500", has nothing to do with racing, features Raekwon and Cappadonna, and is still one of the best songs to come out of the Wu family. "Wildflower", a personal favourite, begins with the line, "Yeah bitch, I fucked your friend/Yeah you stank ho/I seen her on the elevator, honey grabbed my Kangol." How can you not like that?! He proceeds to lyrically slaughter the ex-boo in his life and finishes with he likes his women clean with an FDS smell. Shit is awesome. "260", "Motherless Child", "Black Jesus", all bangers; "All That I Got Is You" featuring Mary J will always tug at the heart strings and speaks to most African-Americans I've known because there's definitely a common thread of similar experiences in that song. "Winter Warz" is a definite heater, and Cappadonna's verse to end the track is one of his best ever, highly memorable.
3. Mobb Deep, "The Infamous" (1995). This album is definitely the grittiest in production to ever come out during that age where NYC dominated rap in the 90s. Havoc, as a producer, is fucking genius. The sounds of records popping in the samples, the heavy bass, the minimalism of a lot of the tracks, it's an album that I'd love to pass down generation to generation. It also has features from Ghostface and Raekwon, so bonus. "Survival of the Fittest" and "Shook Ones, pt. II" are probably the first two songs I've learned in full due to constant repeats. For these two tracks to be the lead singles from the album, it sets up the tone. You know exactly what's coming and that's tales of hard life in Queensbridge. "Temperature's Rising", "Give Up the Goods", "Eye For an Eye (Your Beef Is Mines)", and "Party Over" are definite bangers. Q-Tip lays down a great verse on "Drink Away the Pain (Situations)". I could go on and on about this album. It's one of the first I bought with my own money and I can still see my little young teenager ass living in central Jersey, turning the bass all the way up and cutting the treble all the way down and just being awestruck. I'm still a big fan of everything Mobb Deep's ever done, and a lot of that stems from this album.
2. Raekwon the Chef, "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..." (1995). Another Loud Records album makes the top five, with this, Ironman, and The Infamous, and all from the same time. Only Built turned rap on its ear. Raekwon set this album up to be a movie on wax. The idea appealed to the RZA so much that they always planned on making a movie because of Only Built. Raekwon was the star of the film, Ghostface Killah was the supporting actor, and the RZA and True Master were the Producer/Director combo. Method Man was the first to release a solo for Wu-Tang, but when Raekwon came out, people forgot all about Tical. Singles like "Glacierz of Ice" and "Ice Cream" are nuggets of the classic Wu sound with feel-good nostalgia. "Criminology", which features a snippet from the movie "Scarface", may only be about two and a half minutes, but man it's some of the best 150 seconds you'll ever have. "Rainy Dayz", "Verbal Intercourse", "Incarcerated Scarfaces", "Heaven and Hell", this album is chock full of amazing production and lyrical scenery. Raekwon and Ghost can take any beat and chew it the fuck up.
1. The GZA/Genius, "Liquid Swords" (1995). ANOTHER Wu solo. Also from 1995, and also on Loud Records, which makes four of my top five. When I first bought Liquid Swords, I didn't appreciate for how intricate and elaborate it was. I thought it was a good album, but not great. Sixteen years later, it's still a constant album I play and it's become my favourite album in the genre and probably top five of all albums I've ever heard. It's only 13 tracks. Only 13. RZA and True Master on production. "Shogun Assassin" snippets linger throughout and really tie the album together. The title track leads off the album and contains probably the longest snippet, but it's a strong track. It was later sampled by Mos Def for his song, "Crime and Punishment". "Labels" features what the GZA does best; come up with a concept and make the song feature words from that concept throughout. It's a track slaying the record industry and the labels controlling it, but he used their names in innovative ways. "B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)" ends the album and drops hella knowledge on you; it's riddled with revelations and little known gems. It's definitely a track I've grown to appreciate and cherish in adulthood. He still makes dope cuts like "Shadowboxin'", but most of the album feels dark and philosophical. There literally is no song you skip over, and it's an album that once it's finished, you can press play and sit through the whole hour again and not grow bored. RZA and True Master use their patented bassline, but they do it masterfully and artistically through use of samples. The GZA is a lyricist unlike any other.
As you can see, there's no Nas, B.I.G., 2Pac, Eminem, none of that shit on my list. Nothing personal, but none of their works I find complete or near complete. Plus, what can I say? I grew up in New Jersey in the right time where NYC was producing some of the grittiest and best rap/hip-hop and it funneled straight to my stereo. It's my top 10, it's not yours, and probably not Vibe's, the Source's, nor Rolling Stone, but goddammit, I stand by all these selections.
That brings us to the series premiere episode. I love music, all kinds of music: punk, new wave, grime, dubstep, ragga, dancehall, dark house, house, trance, happy hardcore, death metal, indie, go-go, whatever. But probably my favourite is rap and hip-hop. To many out of the scene, people think it's one in the same but it's not. To me, the production, topics, the overall mood of hip-hop is far different than rap. Hip-Hop can make you feel good at the end of a record or album; after a rap record or album, you pretty much want to either fight, fuck, or get high/drunk.
I thought of this list while coming home from the gym and listening to what I think is the greatest album in rap and/or hip-hop ever and immediately thought of about 30 albums, but I knew what would be the top seven. So let's skip the bullshit and get into the list, but first, honourable mentions.
Honourable Mentions: These albums are great but can't crack my top 10--Kanye West, "Late Registration"; Ol' Dirty Bastard, "Return to the 36 Chambers: the Dirty Versions"; Ras Kass, "Soul on Ice"; Brand Nubian, "Foundation"; Run DMC, Self-titled debut, Triple 6 Mafia, "Mystic Stylez".
And now, my stupid ass 10 Greatest Rap/Hip-Hop Albums ever.
10. Juvenile, "400 Degreez" (1998). Juvenile debuted with little fanfare outside of New Orleans with the subpar efforts Being Myself and later Solja Rags, but it wasn't until his third studio effort that the country took notice. Complete with a terrible Pen and Pixel cover and during a maelstrom of bounce-influenced rap setting the country on fire, thanks to No Limit, Cash Money records put out their best album with 400 Degreez. The hit single, "Ha", still gets hella plays but it's not the only track worth a replay. "Ghetto Children", "Welcome 2 tha Nolia", "Juvenile on Fire", and "Flossin' Season" are definite strong tracks. The Big Tymers make another classic intro, and let's not forget that "Back That Azz Up" is also on this album, along with the notoriously popular title track, "400 Degreez". The re-release isn't worth it, hearing the two remixes of Ha (one featuring the Hot Boyz, and the other featuring Jay-Z are boring) and "Follow Me Now" is catchy, but can be skipped. In all, 400 Degreez is one album that most people I know would agree is a classic, and probably vastly underrated for its mix of club tracks and hood hits.
9. A Tribe Called Quest, "The Low End Theory" (1991). Forget "Off the Wall" vs. "Thriller", the battle between which Tribe album is king is just as epic. Some say "Midnight Marauders", but I'm one who says it's "The Low End Theory", and to me it's not even close. Songs like "Check the Rhime", "The Infamous Date Rape", and "Jazz (We've Got)" stand out and always get a second play for me. "Verses from the Abstract" another favourite Tribe track for me. In fact, most of my favourite Tribe cuts come from this album, hence why it makes my top 10 and over "Midnight Marauders". Plus, we all know the final cut on the album, "Scenario" is one of the strongest posse cuts in hip-hop and had such a groundbreaking video. All of this brings LET in at number nine on my list. Some people would think this is criminal though to rank this album so low, but bear with me.
8. Trick Daddy Dollars, "Thugs Are Us" (2001). Maybe it's my adopted home state of Florida, maybe it's there's a little thug in every rap fan, or maybe it's the sounds of the Righteous Funk Boogie who produced most of the album that make TDD's fourth album number eight all-time for me. I wanted to go with "Based on a True Story", but at the end of the day, this album is Trick's best. Beginning with an intro where Trick explains to a jit somewhere in Richmond Heights that he should stay in school and not be a thug. After 30 seconds of this, it slides right into hit single, "I'm a Thug". By this time, you should be all in on this album. It's not a perfect project though, as Trick takes time to promote homeboy, Deuce Poppi with about three solo tracks and all are straight garbage, and Trina has the "Pull Over Remix" and "For All the Ladies", but for the majority of the album, it's all Trick, all thug shit. Favourite tracks include: "Take It to da House", "Noodle", "N Word", "Can't Fuck wit tha South". Most FAMU students would know the latter, but only up to the line, "Wait one motherfuckin' minute!" Points to you if you know what comes after that line.
7. Frayser Boy, "Gone on That Bay" (2003). A lot of people wonder why Frayser Boy, a guy who came onto the scene with Triple 6 and Hypnotize Minds after their run in the national spotlight was dwindling, is my favourite rapper. No, he's not spectacular and he's not witty. He's said shit you've heard before, and often you can predict the next line. However, I give you two people: Sean and Nuekeller. Two of my bruh-bruhs fo-real-fo-real. They came to my house one night and I made them listen to this album. I told them, I couldn't explain why it's one of my all-time favourites, especially seeing that I didn't expect anything special. It starts with an intro title track which samples Haydn's Sonata no. 59 (more popularly known as Lestat's Sonata), and the bass drops and Frayser Boy spits one of the hardest rhymes to come out of Hypnotize Minds in a long time. When it finished, my friend says to me, "I totally see how after the intro, you're hooked in." "Flickin'", "Every Day Thang", "Wish a Mutha Would", "Had to Get'em", and "Bloody Murder" (which features my friend's favourite line of "Gon' kill these niggas, leave 'em hangin' like apostrophes") are very good to great tracks. "Closed Mouth", outside of the title track, is by far my favourite, for lines such as "Now ya got me lookin' for ya like an easter egg hunt" and "Smoke so much green, niggas call me St. Patrick." You probably have never heard a Frayser Boy track, so go on youtube and just give it a try. Love this album.
6. Eric B. and Rakim, "Paid in Full" (1987). First off, to me, Rakim is still the greatest MC to ever grab a mic and spit a rhyme. Eric B was the perfect DJ to cut up records and lay down samples to further let Rakim shine as an MC. Paid in Full is a magnum opus in hip-hop, and definitely the duo's best. I wanted to put it higher, but my top five speak to me personally and take me to times where I can remember first hearing them and being mesmerised. I had older cousins who spun this LP all of the time and it never got old then, still doesn't get old. "Chinese Arithmetic" is probably the least known track on the album, but it's one of my favourites. Eric B. mixes in a generic Asian sound with hard bass and it just blends perfectly. The hits are nonstop on this album, though: "Eric B. For President", "I Ain't No Joke", "Move the Crowd", "Eric B. Is on the Cut", "I Know You Got Soul", and the classic title track "Paid in Full" which introduced the "Don't Look Any Further" sample to rap. This album is a must-have. I own it on both cassette and CD. If you do not have Paid, you're no rap or hip-hop fan. That simple. This album defines the golden age of MCing and DJing.
5. Immortal Technique, "The 3rd World" (2008). Hot fuckin' fire. It was a five year layoff between Revolutionary, vol. 2 and this album, but apparently, those five years allowed Technique to make 16 tracks of straight heat for the thinking man. This isn't your average person's music. It's highly Marxist, revolutionary, and quite politically charged. The title track, "The 3rd World", is the third most played record on my iPod, and is by far the standout song on this album. Here's a link with lyrics if you've never heard it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOINSUWOqyo). Other songs like "Golpe de Estado" and "Death March" show you Technique spits his rhymes for the black and the brown, the oppressed, the masses who are often forgotten and never shown on television or in your local paper. Being an Afro-Latino with Peruvian heritage and growing up in Harlem greatly influenced his style and I'm thankful for it. Frayser Boy may be my favourite rapper, Rakim may be the best ever to me, but somehow Immortal Technique trumps them both, you figure it out. Favourite tracks: "Payback" which features Ras Kass (I love Ras Kass), "Mistakes", and "Harlem Renaissance".
4. Ghostface Killah, "Ironman" (1996). What do you get when you mix one of my favourite MCs from the best crew in music history, blaxploitation movies, soul samples, and the RZA and True Master on production? A fucking classic. Ironman was Ghost's debut as a solo artist, although he featured Raekwon and Cappadonna often, but it's one of the best albums ever. Full of supreme mathematics and alphabet references, Ghostface brings a lot of hot rhymes over tight production. The first single, "Daytona 500", has nothing to do with racing, features Raekwon and Cappadonna, and is still one of the best songs to come out of the Wu family. "Wildflower", a personal favourite, begins with the line, "Yeah bitch, I fucked your friend/Yeah you stank ho/I seen her on the elevator, honey grabbed my Kangol." How can you not like that?! He proceeds to lyrically slaughter the ex-boo in his life and finishes with he likes his women clean with an FDS smell. Shit is awesome. "260", "Motherless Child", "Black Jesus", all bangers; "All That I Got Is You" featuring Mary J will always tug at the heart strings and speaks to most African-Americans I've known because there's definitely a common thread of similar experiences in that song. "Winter Warz" is a definite heater, and Cappadonna's verse to end the track is one of his best ever, highly memorable.
3. Mobb Deep, "The Infamous" (1995). This album is definitely the grittiest in production to ever come out during that age where NYC dominated rap in the 90s. Havoc, as a producer, is fucking genius. The sounds of records popping in the samples, the heavy bass, the minimalism of a lot of the tracks, it's an album that I'd love to pass down generation to generation. It also has features from Ghostface and Raekwon, so bonus. "Survival of the Fittest" and "Shook Ones, pt. II" are probably the first two songs I've learned in full due to constant repeats. For these two tracks to be the lead singles from the album, it sets up the tone. You know exactly what's coming and that's tales of hard life in Queensbridge. "Temperature's Rising", "Give Up the Goods", "Eye For an Eye (Your Beef Is Mines)", and "Party Over" are definite bangers. Q-Tip lays down a great verse on "Drink Away the Pain (Situations)". I could go on and on about this album. It's one of the first I bought with my own money and I can still see my little young teenager ass living in central Jersey, turning the bass all the way up and cutting the treble all the way down and just being awestruck. I'm still a big fan of everything Mobb Deep's ever done, and a lot of that stems from this album.
2. Raekwon the Chef, "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..." (1995). Another Loud Records album makes the top five, with this, Ironman, and The Infamous, and all from the same time. Only Built turned rap on its ear. Raekwon set this album up to be a movie on wax. The idea appealed to the RZA so much that they always planned on making a movie because of Only Built. Raekwon was the star of the film, Ghostface Killah was the supporting actor, and the RZA and True Master were the Producer/Director combo. Method Man was the first to release a solo for Wu-Tang, but when Raekwon came out, people forgot all about Tical. Singles like "Glacierz of Ice" and "Ice Cream" are nuggets of the classic Wu sound with feel-good nostalgia. "Criminology", which features a snippet from the movie "Scarface", may only be about two and a half minutes, but man it's some of the best 150 seconds you'll ever have. "Rainy Dayz", "Verbal Intercourse", "Incarcerated Scarfaces", "Heaven and Hell", this album is chock full of amazing production and lyrical scenery. Raekwon and Ghost can take any beat and chew it the fuck up.
1. The GZA/Genius, "Liquid Swords" (1995). ANOTHER Wu solo. Also from 1995, and also on Loud Records, which makes four of my top five. When I first bought Liquid Swords, I didn't appreciate for how intricate and elaborate it was. I thought it was a good album, but not great. Sixteen years later, it's still a constant album I play and it's become my favourite album in the genre and probably top five of all albums I've ever heard. It's only 13 tracks. Only 13. RZA and True Master on production. "Shogun Assassin" snippets linger throughout and really tie the album together. The title track leads off the album and contains probably the longest snippet, but it's a strong track. It was later sampled by Mos Def for his song, "Crime and Punishment". "Labels" features what the GZA does best; come up with a concept and make the song feature words from that concept throughout. It's a track slaying the record industry and the labels controlling it, but he used their names in innovative ways. "B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)" ends the album and drops hella knowledge on you; it's riddled with revelations and little known gems. It's definitely a track I've grown to appreciate and cherish in adulthood. He still makes dope cuts like "Shadowboxin'", but most of the album feels dark and philosophical. There literally is no song you skip over, and it's an album that once it's finished, you can press play and sit through the whole hour again and not grow bored. RZA and True Master use their patented bassline, but they do it masterfully and artistically through use of samples. The GZA is a lyricist unlike any other.
As you can see, there's no Nas, B.I.G., 2Pac, Eminem, none of that shit on my list. Nothing personal, but none of their works I find complete or near complete. Plus, what can I say? I grew up in New Jersey in the right time where NYC was producing some of the grittiest and best rap/hip-hop and it funneled straight to my stereo. It's my top 10, it's not yours, and probably not Vibe's, the Source's, nor Rolling Stone, but goddammit, I stand by all these selections.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
1.8 -- Ten Things I May Hate About You
I'm quite judgmental. Not of people, but definitely of characteristics of people. I stand firmly on my ideals and values, my principles and shit. I don't need people to agree with me, that's boring. There doesn't need to be a whole world full of Chuys. In fact, the world couldn't handle a boatload of me. I'm brash, I'm ignorant, I'm crude, I'm blunt, I speak without consideration of feelings, and most importantly, I don't care and like it that way. And let's be real, you like it that way too. It's part of my charm. If you didn't like it that way, then you wouldn't be reading this right now. Yes. That goes for all four of you. (I never said I was good at this.)
So in this, the season finale of The Recesses, I offer to you 10 things I may hate about you. These ten things may pertain to you, they may not. If they don't, consider yourself lucky. You're in good standing with me.
Oh yeah, these aren't ranked.
#1 -- People who like obscure rappers and bands. I love hip-hop, rap, and punk, and these seem to be the scene where people are scrambling to find those overlooked gems. I know quite a few people who will only big up MC Whothefuckisthat? and DJ Iknowyouneverheardofthiscat as if their knowledge of this highly unheard-of musician makes them more certified to critique music or talk about music than anyone on staff at Spin or Rolling Stone. Now granted, I don't really like music rags either, but they at least spread themselves between the popular and the up-and-comers. I don't get why a person tries to one-up another by referencing some artist that only 200 people nationwide have ever heard of. Like does it make them come on themselves? Great, you like your local garage band that plays at your local hole-in-the-wall pub. But hello, there are actual artists who've broken above ground and didn't completely sell out or sacrifice themselves for the power of a dollar. So please, fuck off and keep your unknown artist exactly that way--unknown.
#2 -- People who cannot watch an animal be slaughtered but will fuck up a pork chop. Two days ago, I'm sitting on the couch with my lovely wife watching No Reservations. Tony was somewhere in the world and visited a slaughterhouse where a pig was hanging from its rear legs and having its throat slit to drain the blood. They eventually ripped it open down the middle and removed the organs. My wife cringed and demanded to change the channel. Since I've been vegetarian for 18 months or so, she spent about the first four to six being pescetarian but then couldn't refuse chicken and the like. So I say to her, this is how you get the meat you eat. Apparently, there's a huge disconnect. Because your plate doesn't have the head attached, you can remove yourself from the certain knowledge that it's a dead animal for dinner. So to me, that's frustrating. You know your hamburger is cow, don't cringe when you see the cow get gutted and drained of blood. After all, it wouldn't be going through all of that if you didn't have such a taste for grounded cow chunks.
#3 -- People that are too Christian. As you should know by now, I'm no Christian. But I wasn't always this way. I did find whatever their God is and this figure of the Christ in high school, but mere years later, I reject everything ever acquired. Now this doesn't only go against the faux Christian, the one who fucks everything in sight, drinks Thursday to Saturday, goes to church every so often and knows a few scriptures. This also goes to the people who go on every Sunday or Saturday for you seventh-day obvservers, only listen to Christian AM or FM radio, go to see Steven Curtis Chapman and DC Talk, and have that stupid fucking bumper sticker "1 Christ + 3 Nails = 4Given." We live in a country where Christianity is the norm and is expected to be the faith of everyone. So it's okay to put for your status some stupid scripture quote, or it's great to thank your god for you finally getting that job or promotion. But it's not okay to profess a belief in a faith not of the big three, and it's not okay for you to overlook their god and thank yourself for getting what you set out to achieve. Look, if I remember correctly, Jesus told his disciples that when they fast, don't look hungry and unkempt to draw attention to the fact that they are fasting. Rather, they're to keep up their normal ways and normal appearances and save that fake shit for the Pharisees. Well, how about you motherfuckers do that too? I'm not saying reject your belief principles, but don't do it to draw attention, do it because you believe it to be right for you.
#4 -- People too oversexed. I'm vulgar and I like to talk nasty with everyone. It's nothing people take seriously. We all know I'm full of shit, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by suggesting you eat them out while they hang from a door frame. Either way, I know a few people, one in particular, who would make you think sex is the greatest feeling in the world. I haven't slept with many women, just four, but I've had decent to bad to fucking incredible sex and back again. It still doesn't rank in my top five or 10 things to do. This is in no way an indictment of the wife and her sexual prowess or capabilities. I quite enjoy fucking the wife. But let's be real, if you can give yourself a nut too, then how does catching one with another person make such a huge difference that it's suddenly the best thing in life? I mean catching a perfect breeze or the right combination of coffee and a matching cigar, or the feeling of seeing the Gators whoop up on UGA or Tottenham shitting on Arsenal. There's plenty of amazing feelings. What about when you hate kids and keep telling them not to hug you or whatever but then they catch you when your guard is down and you enjoy the hug? Really people? It's an orgasm. Get the fuck out of here.
#5 -- People from Philadelphia. Let's face it, that city is a fucking dump. Veterans Stadium was perfect for that shithole. I've never met someone from Philadelphia that I totally liked. Chalk it up to my Pittsburgh origins or my time in central Jersey, but I think that place and their people should be bombed worse than Nagasaki.
#6 -- People in the two parties. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I'm in a third party. Pretty small, has a few headquarters in big cities across the country. Its platform is something I can really stand on and they have a kick ass magazine and newsletter. Being in Florida though, third party voters are not allowed to vote in primaries. But then again, I wouldn't want either of those ass hats to represent me anyway. Look, I'm okay if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, libertarian, whatever. That's fine, you're supposed to be able define where you stand or should stand on most issues in one word. However, people who hold onto the two party system but at the same time expect things to ever be different, they're all idiots. The difference between a Democrat and Republican is like the difference between instant and percolated coffee. At the end of the day, they're both bland cups of coffee lacking in flavour and zest. That's what you vote for every November, Taster's Choice or Maxwell House. Change the nation and think outside the square pegs and round holes.
#7 -- People who prefer Krispy Kreme over Dunkin' Donuts. I live in the south, have periodically, and have done so for awhile now. But I grew up primarily in the northeast and mid-Atlantic. Up there, America really does run on Dunkin'. Down here though, in most of Florida and a lot of the South, the region drags on Krispy Kreme. I don't get it. People go nuts over a glazed donut. Really people? It's sugar, donut, done. Now I know I can't talk much because I think Dunkin's old-fashioned is the best donut the world over, but Dunkin's selection is better and their coffee is leagues above Krispy Kreme's watered down shit. Plus, there's something about Krispy Kreme that makes you feel fat and disgusting when you eat it. But then again, aren't most of those who visit that place fat and disgusting?
#8 -- People who lie about masturbating. I've been tugging on my own penis since 14. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It took a few tries to get it down, took forever too. My arm got sore, my wrist was hurting, but I was persistent and splash! I'm now 28, and although I don't jerk off with the fervour of years past, I still enjoy a good pull once or twice a week. Now if you're 14 and in high school, I understand lying about jerking off. No one wants to be the jerk king of their school. But I knew people in college and even still who swear they've never masturbated, or don't do it anymore, or did it once or twice but didn't see the point. Fucking lying bastards. Every man loves a quick pull of their own penis. A good scene on the internet and three minutes can release all the stress and pressure you've been feeling. Why lie about it? It's natural and hell it's functional, serving a huge purpose. Even worse are the women who say they never flick their own bean and jill off. Come on. We're grown. You're not getting fucked or eaten or scissored every day, you've got needs too. I know you stick your hand down your pants from time to time and rub one out. So please, let's be adults here.
#9 -- Beatles fans. Let me make this clear: I don't get the Beatles. It's not that I don't like music from bygone eras, and it's not that I don't like Merseybeat and the British Invasion. I do. I just don't like nor understand what the phenomenon of the Beatles is. I understand it for Baby Boomers, but for generations after that, we've already been exposed to large shifts in music, so four Scousers with bobs and songs about riding in their cars and the blood-sucking, money-grubbing tax man, I don't get it. If you're my age and think the Beatles are the greatest thing in music ever, you deserve to be drawn and quartered. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Hate it. Eleanor Rigby? Hate it. Yellow Submarine? Despicably annoying. None of these songs are good. But yet, I keep finding kids and people my age who just drink the kool-aid and accept the Beatles for great and god-like. If you ask me, I could name 100 better bands throughout time than those cunts.
#10 -- People who can eat breakfast foods for dinner but can't eat dinner foods for breakfast. My wife is one of these folks. She doesn't mind Waffle House at 9PM, but pasta or leftovers at 9AM, not happening. Science shows that if you your day with the biggest meal at the beginning, it can boost metabolism and keep you energised longer throughout. So really, eggs and toast is better for dinner and that meatloaf and mashed potatoes is better suited for the morning. Me personally, I constantly wake up and cook rice and beans and whatever was yesterday's dinner. I can vouch for it, a big meal in the morning and a small one at dinner, much easier to keep you going. Give it a try.
So in this, the season finale of The Recesses, I offer to you 10 things I may hate about you. These ten things may pertain to you, they may not. If they don't, consider yourself lucky. You're in good standing with me.
Oh yeah, these aren't ranked.
#1 -- People who like obscure rappers and bands. I love hip-hop, rap, and punk, and these seem to be the scene where people are scrambling to find those overlooked gems. I know quite a few people who will only big up MC Whothefuckisthat? and DJ Iknowyouneverheardofthiscat as if their knowledge of this highly unheard-of musician makes them more certified to critique music or talk about music than anyone on staff at Spin or Rolling Stone. Now granted, I don't really like music rags either, but they at least spread themselves between the popular and the up-and-comers. I don't get why a person tries to one-up another by referencing some artist that only 200 people nationwide have ever heard of. Like does it make them come on themselves? Great, you like your local garage band that plays at your local hole-in-the-wall pub. But hello, there are actual artists who've broken above ground and didn't completely sell out or sacrifice themselves for the power of a dollar. So please, fuck off and keep your unknown artist exactly that way--unknown.
#2 -- People who cannot watch an animal be slaughtered but will fuck up a pork chop. Two days ago, I'm sitting on the couch with my lovely wife watching No Reservations. Tony was somewhere in the world and visited a slaughterhouse where a pig was hanging from its rear legs and having its throat slit to drain the blood. They eventually ripped it open down the middle and removed the organs. My wife cringed and demanded to change the channel. Since I've been vegetarian for 18 months or so, she spent about the first four to six being pescetarian but then couldn't refuse chicken and the like. So I say to her, this is how you get the meat you eat. Apparently, there's a huge disconnect. Because your plate doesn't have the head attached, you can remove yourself from the certain knowledge that it's a dead animal for dinner. So to me, that's frustrating. You know your hamburger is cow, don't cringe when you see the cow get gutted and drained of blood. After all, it wouldn't be going through all of that if you didn't have such a taste for grounded cow chunks.
#3 -- People that are too Christian. As you should know by now, I'm no Christian. But I wasn't always this way. I did find whatever their God is and this figure of the Christ in high school, but mere years later, I reject everything ever acquired. Now this doesn't only go against the faux Christian, the one who fucks everything in sight, drinks Thursday to Saturday, goes to church every so often and knows a few scriptures. This also goes to the people who go on every Sunday or Saturday for you seventh-day obvservers, only listen to Christian AM or FM radio, go to see Steven Curtis Chapman and DC Talk, and have that stupid fucking bumper sticker "1 Christ + 3 Nails = 4Given." We live in a country where Christianity is the norm and is expected to be the faith of everyone. So it's okay to put for your status some stupid scripture quote, or it's great to thank your god for you finally getting that job or promotion. But it's not okay to profess a belief in a faith not of the big three, and it's not okay for you to overlook their god and thank yourself for getting what you set out to achieve. Look, if I remember correctly, Jesus told his disciples that when they fast, don't look hungry and unkempt to draw attention to the fact that they are fasting. Rather, they're to keep up their normal ways and normal appearances and save that fake shit for the Pharisees. Well, how about you motherfuckers do that too? I'm not saying reject your belief principles, but don't do it to draw attention, do it because you believe it to be right for you.
#4 -- People too oversexed. I'm vulgar and I like to talk nasty with everyone. It's nothing people take seriously. We all know I'm full of shit, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by suggesting you eat them out while they hang from a door frame. Either way, I know a few people, one in particular, who would make you think sex is the greatest feeling in the world. I haven't slept with many women, just four, but I've had decent to bad to fucking incredible sex and back again. It still doesn't rank in my top five or 10 things to do. This is in no way an indictment of the wife and her sexual prowess or capabilities. I quite enjoy fucking the wife. But let's be real, if you can give yourself a nut too, then how does catching one with another person make such a huge difference that it's suddenly the best thing in life? I mean catching a perfect breeze or the right combination of coffee and a matching cigar, or the feeling of seeing the Gators whoop up on UGA or Tottenham shitting on Arsenal. There's plenty of amazing feelings. What about when you hate kids and keep telling them not to hug you or whatever but then they catch you when your guard is down and you enjoy the hug? Really people? It's an orgasm. Get the fuck out of here.
#5 -- People from Philadelphia. Let's face it, that city is a fucking dump. Veterans Stadium was perfect for that shithole. I've never met someone from Philadelphia that I totally liked. Chalk it up to my Pittsburgh origins or my time in central Jersey, but I think that place and their people should be bombed worse than Nagasaki.
#6 -- People in the two parties. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I'm in a third party. Pretty small, has a few headquarters in big cities across the country. Its platform is something I can really stand on and they have a kick ass magazine and newsletter. Being in Florida though, third party voters are not allowed to vote in primaries. But then again, I wouldn't want either of those ass hats to represent me anyway. Look, I'm okay if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, libertarian, whatever. That's fine, you're supposed to be able define where you stand or should stand on most issues in one word. However, people who hold onto the two party system but at the same time expect things to ever be different, they're all idiots. The difference between a Democrat and Republican is like the difference between instant and percolated coffee. At the end of the day, they're both bland cups of coffee lacking in flavour and zest. That's what you vote for every November, Taster's Choice or Maxwell House. Change the nation and think outside the square pegs and round holes.
#7 -- People who prefer Krispy Kreme over Dunkin' Donuts. I live in the south, have periodically, and have done so for awhile now. But I grew up primarily in the northeast and mid-Atlantic. Up there, America really does run on Dunkin'. Down here though, in most of Florida and a lot of the South, the region drags on Krispy Kreme. I don't get it. People go nuts over a glazed donut. Really people? It's sugar, donut, done. Now I know I can't talk much because I think Dunkin's old-fashioned is the best donut the world over, but Dunkin's selection is better and their coffee is leagues above Krispy Kreme's watered down shit. Plus, there's something about Krispy Kreme that makes you feel fat and disgusting when you eat it. But then again, aren't most of those who visit that place fat and disgusting?
#8 -- People who lie about masturbating. I've been tugging on my own penis since 14. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It took a few tries to get it down, took forever too. My arm got sore, my wrist was hurting, but I was persistent and splash! I'm now 28, and although I don't jerk off with the fervour of years past, I still enjoy a good pull once or twice a week. Now if you're 14 and in high school, I understand lying about jerking off. No one wants to be the jerk king of their school. But I knew people in college and even still who swear they've never masturbated, or don't do it anymore, or did it once or twice but didn't see the point. Fucking lying bastards. Every man loves a quick pull of their own penis. A good scene on the internet and three minutes can release all the stress and pressure you've been feeling. Why lie about it? It's natural and hell it's functional, serving a huge purpose. Even worse are the women who say they never flick their own bean and jill off. Come on. We're grown. You're not getting fucked or eaten or scissored every day, you've got needs too. I know you stick your hand down your pants from time to time and rub one out. So please, let's be adults here.
#9 -- Beatles fans. Let me make this clear: I don't get the Beatles. It's not that I don't like music from bygone eras, and it's not that I don't like Merseybeat and the British Invasion. I do. I just don't like nor understand what the phenomenon of the Beatles is. I understand it for Baby Boomers, but for generations after that, we've already been exposed to large shifts in music, so four Scousers with bobs and songs about riding in their cars and the blood-sucking, money-grubbing tax man, I don't get it. If you're my age and think the Beatles are the greatest thing in music ever, you deserve to be drawn and quartered. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Hate it. Eleanor Rigby? Hate it. Yellow Submarine? Despicably annoying. None of these songs are good. But yet, I keep finding kids and people my age who just drink the kool-aid and accept the Beatles for great and god-like. If you ask me, I could name 100 better bands throughout time than those cunts.
#10 -- People who can eat breakfast foods for dinner but can't eat dinner foods for breakfast. My wife is one of these folks. She doesn't mind Waffle House at 9PM, but pasta or leftovers at 9AM, not happening. Science shows that if you your day with the biggest meal at the beginning, it can boost metabolism and keep you energised longer throughout. So really, eggs and toast is better for dinner and that meatloaf and mashed potatoes is better suited for the morning. Me personally, I constantly wake up and cook rice and beans and whatever was yesterday's dinner. I can vouch for it, a big meal in the morning and a small one at dinner, much easier to keep you going. Give it a try.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
1.6 -- The Spice of Life and Three Other Things You Didn't Know About Me.
I'm stepping off my pedestal this time. No diatribe on the ills of western civilisation, no political commentary on Babylon and the criticism of the American justice system. None of that shit. For this episode, number six of season one, I'm going to let you all peek behind the curtain.
Okay, you figured me out. The week is almost over and I needed a topic for a blog and I couldn't think of anything so you get this piece of shit instead.
Without further ado, here's four things you didn't know about me.
1) I love, read that LOVE, the Spice Girls. Somewhere between my lust for attractive girls, my sucker for an English accent, and my being a bit of an Anglophile, I fell a complete sucker for the five Spices brought together to take over the world with cheesy lyrics, great pop melodies, and perfect timing.
And when I say LOVE, I mean LOOOOVE. I'd buy all the special poster edition magazines. But I'd buy two! One was for hanging up on the wall, the other was to save like it was a collector's item. Ugh, I know, I was such a loser. My bedroom in DC during high school, one wall had the Union Jack hanging, and the other, the longest wall of my room, had Spice posters from corner to corner. I was Spice mad. I had seen "Spice World" four times in theatres, even dragging my dad once. Needless to say he hated it. I bought the movie the day it came out on VHS. In fact, I pre-ordered it from my neighbourhood Sam Goody! I had their live concert on tape, I had two tapes of their official video, I bought their trading stickers, their lollipops, even the dolls. Fuck me, I was such a pathetic teeny bopper. I've never liked pop music nor the teen bands, but who could resist the power of Spice?!
Oh and I still bring their albums into rotation. To this very day. Favourite Spice Girls track? Too easy. Who Do You Think You Are?
2) The smartest and best decision I've ever made was to marry Jessica.
I know, weird right? I'm like most men you see married on television. Get me away from the wife, and I can go on and on about how terrible being married is, how the wife is so silly or irrational, whatever else she may be. All of this may be true or may not be (but it's true), yet still, marrying her was is the highlight of my life to date. We're guaranteed a great marriage anyway because on our wedding day, Tottenham finally beat Arsenal after 10 long years of nothing in league play. I'd say that's a good sign.
So what? She's stubborn, opinionated, emotionally isolated, and likes to annoy me, and likes to do as she would not like done unto, but shit we all have our flaws, right? I mean, I suck at life my damn self, so who am I to judge?
I can tell you this: she's pretty awesome too. Where I'm an idealist, stick to my beliefs, and deal with theories, she's grounded and focused on where she's going. We're perfect supplementary angles. Sometimes we're both 90 degrees, but if one swings to 120, the other has no problem stepping back and being the other 60 degrees. When she can't do math, sure I ridicule her, and then step in and do the math. When I can't be the huggy, kissy parent, she comes in and does all that sappy shit. I sit through her boring movies, she sits through my Marlins games. I do the cooking in the house, she does the cooking out of the house.
Marriage is hard fucking work, people. There's a lot of love, and a lot of hate. Every day can be a challenge, and if at the end of it, you didn't kill each other and wanna do it again tomorrow, you've got a lot more going for you than a lot of other people today. So, sure, I love my wife, she's the best. But if you ever ask me publicly, I'll deny, deny, deny. It's just what us husbands are supposed to do.
3) Unless you know me personally and quite intimately, you probably didn't know I had an eight year stretch of being a conservative social Republican with a GOP only voting record until 2008.
Phew, feels good to get that dirty secret off my chest. I fell victim to a perfect storm. I moved to DC in'96, and went to a parochial school--Seventh-day Adventist, to be exact. I myself was a Christian at the time, but nominally. I was a pet project for a few teachers, a heathen that could potentially be brought to the feet of the cross. Looking back, I was nothing more than the African or indigenous American, only I was beaten with whips, I was beaten with love and kindness. Either way, the endgame was the same--get this guy to accept the Christ. I even had a teacher, my math teacher at that, say by the time graduation comes around, I'll have abandoned all teachings of Marxism I had and would be better for it.
Well after three years at that school, I had found the Christ, converted to Catholicism (which my senior bible teacher was none too thrilled about but was at least pleased as punch I believed), and was seventeen and part of the John McCain street team. There's the perfect storm. My senior year was centred around the 2000 presidential primaries, and with my new-found conservatism but with sensibilities, I'd thrown my hat in for McCain. From this moment on up unto 2008, I had hadn't voted for any non Republican candidate in any election. I voted for the second GW term (I was only 17 for the first GW term), I voted for Jeb Bush, I voted against even the slightest liberal amendments and propositions just to keep a fantastically clean voting record.
Finally, somewhere in 2008, I reestablished old principles and worldviews and luckily broke the shackles of that horseshit conservatism and of a faith that doesn't have my interests at centre (no offence to those who ascribe to either of those). I finally even voted outside the GOP and helped elect Obama. But don't think I'll ever do that again. I'm a third party guy, I stick to my guns and he's not with my guns. But yep, for eight years there, I was a real two-bit Uncle Tom ass brother. Let's forget that ever happened.
4) I have an odd fascination with death. It's one of those things I like about Mexican culture, the macabre isn't profane, it's often celebrated actually. I can't go a day without thinking of the many ways one thing can go wrong and I can die.
I can be in the kitchen cooking, and literally visualise the ceiling caving in out of nowhere and crushing me. When I lived in DC, I would sit on the Metro and could always visualise a passenger taking the seat behind me and simply blowing my brains out with a point-blank shot to the back of the head. No matter where I go, what I do, I see where and how I can die while being there and doing whatever.
Sounds creepy probably, but it's not so much a fear thing. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't disrespect death and and overlook it or put some kind of positive spin on it. I'm going to die one way or another. The only thing I wish was that I didn't see it so often. I've started to relax on it, but it's not completely gone. The next time I get into a car, I'll see the fiery crash at the intersection. The next time I go to check the mail at night, I'll see the car turn the corner with its headlights off and run me down.
What can I say? I'm neurotic and shit happens.
Okay, you figured me out. The week is almost over and I needed a topic for a blog and I couldn't think of anything so you get this piece of shit instead.
Without further ado, here's four things you didn't know about me.
1) I love, read that LOVE, the Spice Girls. Somewhere between my lust for attractive girls, my sucker for an English accent, and my being a bit of an Anglophile, I fell a complete sucker for the five Spices brought together to take over the world with cheesy lyrics, great pop melodies, and perfect timing.
And when I say LOVE, I mean LOOOOVE. I'd buy all the special poster edition magazines. But I'd buy two! One was for hanging up on the wall, the other was to save like it was a collector's item. Ugh, I know, I was such a loser. My bedroom in DC during high school, one wall had the Union Jack hanging, and the other, the longest wall of my room, had Spice posters from corner to corner. I was Spice mad. I had seen "Spice World" four times in theatres, even dragging my dad once. Needless to say he hated it. I bought the movie the day it came out on VHS. In fact, I pre-ordered it from my neighbourhood Sam Goody! I had their live concert on tape, I had two tapes of their official video, I bought their trading stickers, their lollipops, even the dolls. Fuck me, I was such a pathetic teeny bopper. I've never liked pop music nor the teen bands, but who could resist the power of Spice?!
Oh and I still bring their albums into rotation. To this very day. Favourite Spice Girls track? Too easy. Who Do You Think You Are?
2) The smartest and best decision I've ever made was to marry Jessica.
I know, weird right? I'm like most men you see married on television. Get me away from the wife, and I can go on and on about how terrible being married is, how the wife is so silly or irrational, whatever else she may be. All of this may be true or may not be (but it's true), yet still, marrying her was is the highlight of my life to date. We're guaranteed a great marriage anyway because on our wedding day, Tottenham finally beat Arsenal after 10 long years of nothing in league play. I'd say that's a good sign.
So what? She's stubborn, opinionated, emotionally isolated, and likes to annoy me, and likes to do as she would not like done unto, but shit we all have our flaws, right? I mean, I suck at life my damn self, so who am I to judge?
I can tell you this: she's pretty awesome too. Where I'm an idealist, stick to my beliefs, and deal with theories, she's grounded and focused on where she's going. We're perfect supplementary angles. Sometimes we're both 90 degrees, but if one swings to 120, the other has no problem stepping back and being the other 60 degrees. When she can't do math, sure I ridicule her, and then step in and do the math. When I can't be the huggy, kissy parent, she comes in and does all that sappy shit. I sit through her boring movies, she sits through my Marlins games. I do the cooking in the house, she does the cooking out of the house.
Marriage is hard fucking work, people. There's a lot of love, and a lot of hate. Every day can be a challenge, and if at the end of it, you didn't kill each other and wanna do it again tomorrow, you've got a lot more going for you than a lot of other people today. So, sure, I love my wife, she's the best. But if you ever ask me publicly, I'll deny, deny, deny. It's just what us husbands are supposed to do.
3) Unless you know me personally and quite intimately, you probably didn't know I had an eight year stretch of being a conservative social Republican with a GOP only voting record until 2008.
Phew, feels good to get that dirty secret off my chest. I fell victim to a perfect storm. I moved to DC in'96, and went to a parochial school--Seventh-day Adventist, to be exact. I myself was a Christian at the time, but nominally. I was a pet project for a few teachers, a heathen that could potentially be brought to the feet of the cross. Looking back, I was nothing more than the African or indigenous American, only I was beaten with whips, I was beaten with love and kindness. Either way, the endgame was the same--get this guy to accept the Christ. I even had a teacher, my math teacher at that, say by the time graduation comes around, I'll have abandoned all teachings of Marxism I had and would be better for it.
Well after three years at that school, I had found the Christ, converted to Catholicism (which my senior bible teacher was none too thrilled about but was at least pleased as punch I believed), and was seventeen and part of the John McCain street team. There's the perfect storm. My senior year was centred around the 2000 presidential primaries, and with my new-found conservatism but with sensibilities, I'd thrown my hat in for McCain. From this moment on up unto 2008, I had hadn't voted for any non Republican candidate in any election. I voted for the second GW term (I was only 17 for the first GW term), I voted for Jeb Bush, I voted against even the slightest liberal amendments and propositions just to keep a fantastically clean voting record.
Finally, somewhere in 2008, I reestablished old principles and worldviews and luckily broke the shackles of that horseshit conservatism and of a faith that doesn't have my interests at centre (no offence to those who ascribe to either of those). I finally even voted outside the GOP and helped elect Obama. But don't think I'll ever do that again. I'm a third party guy, I stick to my guns and he's not with my guns. But yep, for eight years there, I was a real two-bit Uncle Tom ass brother. Let's forget that ever happened.
4) I have an odd fascination with death. It's one of those things I like about Mexican culture, the macabre isn't profane, it's often celebrated actually. I can't go a day without thinking of the many ways one thing can go wrong and I can die.
I can be in the kitchen cooking, and literally visualise the ceiling caving in out of nowhere and crushing me. When I lived in DC, I would sit on the Metro and could always visualise a passenger taking the seat behind me and simply blowing my brains out with a point-blank shot to the back of the head. No matter where I go, what I do, I see where and how I can die while being there and doing whatever.
Sounds creepy probably, but it's not so much a fear thing. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't disrespect death and and overlook it or put some kind of positive spin on it. I'm going to die one way or another. The only thing I wish was that I didn't see it so often. I've started to relax on it, but it's not completely gone. The next time I get into a car, I'll see the fiery crash at the intersection. The next time I go to check the mail at night, I'll see the car turn the corner with its headlights off and run me down.
What can I say? I'm neurotic and shit happens.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
1.5 -- Troy Davis.
Troy Davis.
This isn't your typical blog about a man named Troy Davis, but then again, I haven't read any about him. This blog will not contain buzzwords and catchphrases like "fuck the system." This blog will not recant the chants of Black Panthers long before us singing, "No more pigs in our communities, fuck the pigs." This blog is going to come at you from the whole other end of the spectrum.
I believe in justice. I believe in law enforcement. Matter of fact, so do you all of you. If someone hurts your loved one, you're going to reach for your mobile and dial 911. If someone steals your car, you're going to reach for your mobile and dial 911. If you see someone in peril, you may try to help, but you'll definitely reach for your mobile and dial 911. So, please, let's cut the bullshit. It's not fuck the pigs, fuck the system, fuck the police. Wasn't it just 11 days ago we were thanking the policemen of New York City for being heroes? So let's get past that posturing already. It doesn't make you seem more revolutionary, it doesn't make you seem more countercultured or educated. In fact, it makes you look like a damn fool.
Now the system isn't the best. The system has flaws all over it. But then again, every societal structure has flaws. But let's not kid ourselves either; the system gets it right more times than it gets it wrong. For every Troy Davis that may have been, and we can only say may have been, imprisoned as an innocent man, there's 100 correctly imprisoned. We're not going to deal with the socioeconomic inferences of the population imprisoned, but let's not write the entire judicial system off, okay?
But let's get to the crux of the matter. This blog is dedicated to my fellow African readers, and primarily African-American. I haven't quite seen the same from the Afro-Latino friends I have. There's a lot of Al Sharptons on facebook and twitter. A lot of you niggas, and yes, I'm using the word now, are making statuses and tweeting all day and night about the injustice suffered by another brother. The system, the white man, at it again, fucking over another brother. When will it end? You niggas make me sick. This doesn't go out to my conscious friends, my friends who are about the causes of the the global community and equality for all. This isn't for those of the like mind who truly care about the plight of our people, other people, and all people. This is for you niggas who grandstand and bring out soapboxes and take the easy position and do it "for the black." If I were Fudge and yall were Malik and this was "Higher Learning", I'd say to yall, "Run, nigga, run." That's what all of yall are doing. You're not down for the cause. Sure, you think you are because you went to a black college or sure you are because you have one dashiki in the closet or sure you are because you have some books about Africa or ancient Egypt on your bookshelf. That's great. But what are you doing for the community overall? What are you doing everyday? How has your worldview influenced your actions, your thoughts, your compassion for your fellow man every single day?
All of you niggas are Al Sharpton and facebook, twitter, these are your cameras. You slick your hair back, you put on a sharp suit, and you climb on your soapbox and say the system was built to imprison our people, to keep us subdued, to rid the country of the black plague. And while there is merit to the argument, this is not about that right now. This isn't a black thing. This is a humanitarian thing. Troy Davis wasn't executed because he was black. Troy Davis wasn't imprisoned because he was black. If that was the case, a lot of us would be in prison now. And if not us, we all know at least three people who would be in prison right now. Now, the thing us black folks fail to realise often is just because something is racial, it doesn't always make the leap to being racist.
None of us know the details of the case. And if we do, we probably just wikipedia'd them in the last couple days and ran with it. We can come to the conclusion that the evidence was close to nonexistent and that there's a chance this man was imprisoned for being black and in the wrong place. And sure, we can say the witnesses could be lying and leaning to imprison a black man because the black man scares them. There's probably elements of truth in all of this. But to see so many saying, hmm, Casey Anthony goes free but a brother dies for a crime he didn't commit. The system is so fucked up. But I'm sorry, the two cases, not the same. One, no one came and said/lied/whatever that "Yes, I saw Casey kill her kid. People did come forward and say/lie/whatever that "Yes, I saw Troy Davis shoot that cop." That's gonna get you in prison and on death row 10 times out of 10. Two, and perhaps the main reason Anthony got off, the prosecution could never say, Anthony did this on Wednesday at 2:34 pm. That's always gonna keep you out of jail. But beyond that, if you're rationalising these two by saying one gets off because she's white and the other gets executed because he's black, I offer you the West Memphis Three. I'm not going to give you the history lesson about that case, go look it up and feed your own brain.
But let's say this was all about being black and the white man wins again and that the system is so fucked up and another brother died for nothing. Where do you get the right to take this man's life, this family's loss and trivialise it to something so primitive? And then again, let's go back to 1995. I'm sure a lot of you grandstanding, talk-loud-and-draw-a-crowd niggas were so happy that Orenthal James beat the system. Funny how that works. How can you justify both? Is the justice system fucked up or does it hate brothers? And he was a brother who won the hearts of America through his athleticism, his smile, his character in Hertz commercials and Naked Gun moves. Oh, did I mention he was married to a white woman!? The grand prize, the treasure, the crown jewel of the white man? If that nigga can get off after all of that, then can the system really hate brothers? And you, you tap-dancing nigga, how can you dap up OJ with one hand and throw up the black fist with the other for Brother Davis? Think about it.
The moral of the story is, yes, there are grave injustices in the justice system. But it's the system we have and it's the system we'd rely on if our mothers, fathers, children, spouses were killed tomorrow. Troy Davis may or may not have killed a cop in Georgia. He may or may not have been wrongly imprisoned. He's now dead. The blood isn't on the man's hands or the system's proverbial hands. The blood is on you niggas' hands too. Don't be pro-black when the timing is right and the camera lights are bright. Don't suddenly be conscious and aware on cue. Brother Davis isn't a person to memorialise for the wrong reasons of another black man defeated by the man. He's a person to memorialise because he's another human who appears to have suffered injustice and been wrongly executed. This isn't black or white. This is about wrong or right. Don't put up your black fist in protest. Put up your heart in protest. This stuff happens more often than you know. And a lot of times, it's not just brothers. And I'm a firm believer in the death penalty. I relate it to the principles of Darwin. But it has to be the right man or no man at all. Don't reduce Troy Davis to such trivial posturing.
I hope his case turns some of you niggas to productive members of the race, be it black and human. However, I'm smart, I know it won't. Sure, Troy Davis will trend on twitter for a day or two and be linked to articles all over facebook. Then the weekend will come. People will be at the beach, shopping, watching sports, listening to the new hot album on the streets, and Troy Davis will just be another nigga dead. But hey, at least you got to stand on your soapbox right?
Psht. Niggas.
This isn't your typical blog about a man named Troy Davis, but then again, I haven't read any about him. This blog will not contain buzzwords and catchphrases like "fuck the system." This blog will not recant the chants of Black Panthers long before us singing, "No more pigs in our communities, fuck the pigs." This blog is going to come at you from the whole other end of the spectrum.
I believe in justice. I believe in law enforcement. Matter of fact, so do you all of you. If someone hurts your loved one, you're going to reach for your mobile and dial 911. If someone steals your car, you're going to reach for your mobile and dial 911. If you see someone in peril, you may try to help, but you'll definitely reach for your mobile and dial 911. So, please, let's cut the bullshit. It's not fuck the pigs, fuck the system, fuck the police. Wasn't it just 11 days ago we were thanking the policemen of New York City for being heroes? So let's get past that posturing already. It doesn't make you seem more revolutionary, it doesn't make you seem more countercultured or educated. In fact, it makes you look like a damn fool.
Now the system isn't the best. The system has flaws all over it. But then again, every societal structure has flaws. But let's not kid ourselves either; the system gets it right more times than it gets it wrong. For every Troy Davis that may have been, and we can only say may have been, imprisoned as an innocent man, there's 100 correctly imprisoned. We're not going to deal with the socioeconomic inferences of the population imprisoned, but let's not write the entire judicial system off, okay?
But let's get to the crux of the matter. This blog is dedicated to my fellow African readers, and primarily African-American. I haven't quite seen the same from the Afro-Latino friends I have. There's a lot of Al Sharptons on facebook and twitter. A lot of you niggas, and yes, I'm using the word now, are making statuses and tweeting all day and night about the injustice suffered by another brother. The system, the white man, at it again, fucking over another brother. When will it end? You niggas make me sick. This doesn't go out to my conscious friends, my friends who are about the causes of the the global community and equality for all. This isn't for those of the like mind who truly care about the plight of our people, other people, and all people. This is for you niggas who grandstand and bring out soapboxes and take the easy position and do it "for the black." If I were Fudge and yall were Malik and this was "Higher Learning", I'd say to yall, "Run, nigga, run." That's what all of yall are doing. You're not down for the cause. Sure, you think you are because you went to a black college or sure you are because you have one dashiki in the closet or sure you are because you have some books about Africa or ancient Egypt on your bookshelf. That's great. But what are you doing for the community overall? What are you doing everyday? How has your worldview influenced your actions, your thoughts, your compassion for your fellow man every single day?
All of you niggas are Al Sharpton and facebook, twitter, these are your cameras. You slick your hair back, you put on a sharp suit, and you climb on your soapbox and say the system was built to imprison our people, to keep us subdued, to rid the country of the black plague. And while there is merit to the argument, this is not about that right now. This isn't a black thing. This is a humanitarian thing. Troy Davis wasn't executed because he was black. Troy Davis wasn't imprisoned because he was black. If that was the case, a lot of us would be in prison now. And if not us, we all know at least three people who would be in prison right now. Now, the thing us black folks fail to realise often is just because something is racial, it doesn't always make the leap to being racist.
None of us know the details of the case. And if we do, we probably just wikipedia'd them in the last couple days and ran with it. We can come to the conclusion that the evidence was close to nonexistent and that there's a chance this man was imprisoned for being black and in the wrong place. And sure, we can say the witnesses could be lying and leaning to imprison a black man because the black man scares them. There's probably elements of truth in all of this. But to see so many saying, hmm, Casey Anthony goes free but a brother dies for a crime he didn't commit. The system is so fucked up. But I'm sorry, the two cases, not the same. One, no one came and said/lied/whatever that "Yes, I saw Casey kill her kid. People did come forward and say/lie/whatever that "Yes, I saw Troy Davis shoot that cop." That's gonna get you in prison and on death row 10 times out of 10. Two, and perhaps the main reason Anthony got off, the prosecution could never say, Anthony did this on Wednesday at 2:34 pm. That's always gonna keep you out of jail. But beyond that, if you're rationalising these two by saying one gets off because she's white and the other gets executed because he's black, I offer you the West Memphis Three. I'm not going to give you the history lesson about that case, go look it up and feed your own brain.
But let's say this was all about being black and the white man wins again and that the system is so fucked up and another brother died for nothing. Where do you get the right to take this man's life, this family's loss and trivialise it to something so primitive? And then again, let's go back to 1995. I'm sure a lot of you grandstanding, talk-loud-and-draw-a-crowd niggas were so happy that Orenthal James beat the system. Funny how that works. How can you justify both? Is the justice system fucked up or does it hate brothers? And he was a brother who won the hearts of America through his athleticism, his smile, his character in Hertz commercials and Naked Gun moves. Oh, did I mention he was married to a white woman!? The grand prize, the treasure, the crown jewel of the white man? If that nigga can get off after all of that, then can the system really hate brothers? And you, you tap-dancing nigga, how can you dap up OJ with one hand and throw up the black fist with the other for Brother Davis? Think about it.
The moral of the story is, yes, there are grave injustices in the justice system. But it's the system we have and it's the system we'd rely on if our mothers, fathers, children, spouses were killed tomorrow. Troy Davis may or may not have killed a cop in Georgia. He may or may not have been wrongly imprisoned. He's now dead. The blood isn't on the man's hands or the system's proverbial hands. The blood is on you niggas' hands too. Don't be pro-black when the timing is right and the camera lights are bright. Don't suddenly be conscious and aware on cue. Brother Davis isn't a person to memorialise for the wrong reasons of another black man defeated by the man. He's a person to memorialise because he's another human who appears to have suffered injustice and been wrongly executed. This isn't black or white. This is about wrong or right. Don't put up your black fist in protest. Put up your heart in protest. This stuff happens more often than you know. And a lot of times, it's not just brothers. And I'm a firm believer in the death penalty. I relate it to the principles of Darwin. But it has to be the right man or no man at all. Don't reduce Troy Davis to such trivial posturing.
I hope his case turns some of you niggas to productive members of the race, be it black and human. However, I'm smart, I know it won't. Sure, Troy Davis will trend on twitter for a day or two and be linked to articles all over facebook. Then the weekend will come. People will be at the beach, shopping, watching sports, listening to the new hot album on the streets, and Troy Davis will just be another nigga dead. But hey, at least you got to stand on your soapbox right?
Psht. Niggas.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
1.4 -- Icarus.
I'm not Icarus. In this scenario, I'm Daedalus. I've escaped the Labyrinth and stayed my course flying to safety. Poor Icarus though. Flew too close to the sun, wax wings just melting. Crashing to his death in the aquamarine waters below. Ah well, so sad. The world keeps turning, life keeps going. If you've never looked Icarus in the face, allow me to introduce to John.
Unlike my arch enemy blog, Episode 3/Season 1, I'm not withholding names. His name is John. John is 19, of mixed race and with Dominican heritage on his paternal side. He's an odder looking fellow. He's not the ugliest bastard in the bar, but if there were 10 average men, I don't think he'll be in the first four you're looking to attract. He's socially awkward. He's clueless to most things, be it sports, history, politics, music, religion, and beyond. His opinions are usually second and third hand. There have been numerous times he has spitted out what he feels on an issue and it's often close to verbatim to what myself or one of my friends have told him. He claims to be a stud in history but he hasn't read a book in over three years.
That's just the tip of the ice berg.
For some reason, I talk to this kid a few times a week. I don't know what I get out of it. It's often torturous. Sometimes, we chat about soccer. I give my input on the same six questions he always asks, he says "I see," I expose him for a fraudulent fan, he admits it, and we'll have this conversation next week.
Recently, the kid can only talk about his girlfriend. Now granted it's his first girlfriend ever, and to wait til 19 to finally have a relationship--Christ. I contest that the girl is indeed his actual girlfriend, regardless of her committing herself to him. For months, all I ever heard from him is how she's so great, she's the hottest bitch ever, how she can make him feel like a man two days a week, how she's so curvy, how she's the perfect embodiment of a white Latina ever, or at least fairer-skinned, how her body is a wonderland, how he's so great at eating her out even though it took him months later to realise that clitoral stimulation is a key aspect to cunnilingus. O yeah, this is John.
I can say John, relax. It's your first relationship. It's not the girl, it's a girl. He was never able to understand that last sentence. I had to explain to him he's gone all of his teen life seeing friends date while he was taking girls out to movies and dinner and getting nothing at all. So now some strumpet comes along and pretends or maybe even has some reciprocated interest in him and he shoots off to the moon ready to marry her. I say, kid, look around at all the people you know. How many marry their first loves? But no, fuck that, I'm 28 and wrong. He's 19 and still breastfeeding but he knows best.
Smash-cut to the last couple months, and he finds out that she may have had a fling in a tropical location, she may have had a date with an older guy from her church, and that she isn't always there when he thinks she should be. I'd say to him all the time, no one likes to date down. If you're an eight, you don't like dating sixes. Now this girl isn't any dimepiece, but she's a decent five-and-a-half, six on a great day. Either way, she's quite too good looking to be in this relationship. So I'll say John, she's dating down and she knows it. She will wake up and see that no one is jealous of her relationship and she'll want out. Oh no, I'm wrong though. But ask him about the guy he's most jealous of and it's the early 20s, college-educated lad that's in her church. Sounds like a girl who knows she can date at her level or up.
Now all he can tell me is how shaken his trust is, how he doesn't know the real woman inside of her, how he's over all this shit. But tell him to break up with her and he's not having it. Of course not. This woman is the only reason he lives. And no, that's not exaggeration nor hyperbole. To prove it, he says if this relationship fails, he has to move out of Tallahassee immediately.
Icarus. You're flying too close to the sun. Cuidado.
As I said earlier, John is of mixed race. His mother is African, gonna assume African-American, but definitely Africa. His father is mestizo from Dominican Republic. Apparently, he doesn't see this though. All he sees is that somewhere in his father's family tree, someone came from Spain. Some conquistador or poor bastard emigrated from Spain and landed on Hispanola. Because of his pure Spanish roots, no matter how watered down before it gets to John, he feels a kindred connection to Spain. At the same time, because myself and my friends are so into the effects of Maafa, he tries to appeal to our senses by boasting his love for "Mama Africa." His words, not mine.
I don't know if you need a history lesson in Spain, but like a lot of the European nations, their relations with people of colour, sketchy at best. We can show him folders of evidence to suggest that his own mother would be a second, third class citizen if she were over there, but that means nothing. This kid has Spaniard blood! It should be celebrated.
At the same time, he identifies by heritage, as do most Latinos, not by race. That's cool. But his notion of Latino is so contrived and stereotypical, that as a person who can trend Latin myself, it's offensive. It's like for him to validate his notion of Dominican, he has to fly the colours on his wall, go blast merengue, and praise bachata as the world's greatest music. Oh, that and say, hey Rafael Trujillo, he's not so bad. If you need to know about the atrocities of Trujillo, I can sum them up in one action. President Trujillo once had his army forces go to the river border and just slay thousands of Haitians. The number killed was so large that their blood flowed down the river, turning it red, and ever since, the river has been named Massacre. But then again, his grandfather liked Trujillo, so he's great! (Second-hand opinion, again.) By the way, did I mention that Trujillo was part Haitian and even painted himself with make-up to appear white? Yeah, great guy.
Work with me here, I'm bringing this full circle. The nature of race in Dominican Republic is touchy. Most of the population has African in them, but their census would do everything to dispute this fact. So I understand the complexity involved. But then again, the kid is from here and with an African-American mother. So his head shouldn't be so fucked up.
So again, he loves the throne in Spain, he also loves Mama Africa. Seems slightly contradictory when you boil it down, but hey, I guess. He loves Mama Africa, but ask him who he wants to date and it's white Latinas. Ask him where he'd like to go in the world, it's Madrid. No mention of any reclamations of roots lost in the dark continent. But all of this aside, he continues to appeal to myself and my friends as if he's one of the brothas, just another black kid because his hair is kinky and he likes Gucci Mane.
Amazing. I once asked a mutual friend of ours if he overemphasizes his Latinismo with their friends as he tries to do with his blackness with my friends. This mutual friend answered back with a resounding yes. The mutual friend even exposed him for not knowing fairly simple and common things Latino that transcend international borders, and so aren't nation-specific.
I can say John, don't try to be black because you're with the niggas. We know who we are, we know who you are. You're spending too much time trying to be us. We're not right because we think the way we think, see the world how we see it. We're right because we stay true to ourselves and our principles. Find yourself. And you'd be amazed how much clarity you can gain from just reading. Stop being a generalisation of your race and heritage. Stop using youtube videos to gain cultural perspective. Read. But no. No dice. I would say to him to emancipate himself, but he'd never know from whom or what.
Icarus ... cuidado ...
This poor bastard has even come to me and said, "I don't know what I want to talk about, but I feel enlightened right now." I asked if he finally read something. Of course not. Doesn't that sum up everything in a nutshell.
Maybe I should shut up. I can only tell Icarus to watch out so many times.
His political insights are amazing. For someone who just wants to marry his "girlfriend" and have a nice family life, who comes from such humble stock, you would think he digests Rush Limbaugh with many of his opinions. But he thinks he's liberal. One night, he came to me like this: I think I figured something out and it could really work. What if we cut taxes everywhere and let the rich keep their money? Then they'll spend it more, hire more people for jobs, and these dollars will flow all the way down the economy. I'm like, and you really think you invented this? His response was he's never seen it anywhere else. This damn kid thought he invented trickle-down theory. Reading is fundamental. And even still, I'm sure that idea came from someone else he had a discussion with; he then retooled it, repackaged it, and passed it off as his own.
Oh Icarus, so young.
I know, this episode is loosely structured, but if you knew him, it would make so much sense. When you rail on the kid, so much just flies out in disgust or in rage, it's impossible to keep it centred or formulate it to a specific pattern. Talking with him is like beating your head against a wall. It's pure, utter pain.
I can't stop though. It's my cross to bear. Sometimes I think he has a chance to wake the fuck up, to free himself, but just when I think so--BAM! Head into the wall.
John, you may think this blog is just to roast you, but no. It's to put how silly you sound in one location so you can see some gripes in one place. And if you need clarification, don't just go to me. You know my other friends who know you. Ask them. You really could become something great, but you're so mired in bullshit to realise that. So much potential energy, just none of it turns kinetic.
Oh Icarus, I tried to warn you.
Unlike my arch enemy blog, Episode 3/Season 1, I'm not withholding names. His name is John. John is 19, of mixed race and with Dominican heritage on his paternal side. He's an odder looking fellow. He's not the ugliest bastard in the bar, but if there were 10 average men, I don't think he'll be in the first four you're looking to attract. He's socially awkward. He's clueless to most things, be it sports, history, politics, music, religion, and beyond. His opinions are usually second and third hand. There have been numerous times he has spitted out what he feels on an issue and it's often close to verbatim to what myself or one of my friends have told him. He claims to be a stud in history but he hasn't read a book in over three years.
That's just the tip of the ice berg.
For some reason, I talk to this kid a few times a week. I don't know what I get out of it. It's often torturous. Sometimes, we chat about soccer. I give my input on the same six questions he always asks, he says "I see," I expose him for a fraudulent fan, he admits it, and we'll have this conversation next week.
Recently, the kid can only talk about his girlfriend. Now granted it's his first girlfriend ever, and to wait til 19 to finally have a relationship--Christ. I contest that the girl is indeed his actual girlfriend, regardless of her committing herself to him. For months, all I ever heard from him is how she's so great, she's the hottest bitch ever, how she can make him feel like a man two days a week, how she's so curvy, how she's the perfect embodiment of a white Latina ever, or at least fairer-skinned, how her body is a wonderland, how he's so great at eating her out even though it took him months later to realise that clitoral stimulation is a key aspect to cunnilingus. O yeah, this is John.
I can say John, relax. It's your first relationship. It's not the girl, it's a girl. He was never able to understand that last sentence. I had to explain to him he's gone all of his teen life seeing friends date while he was taking girls out to movies and dinner and getting nothing at all. So now some strumpet comes along and pretends or maybe even has some reciprocated interest in him and he shoots off to the moon ready to marry her. I say, kid, look around at all the people you know. How many marry their first loves? But no, fuck that, I'm 28 and wrong. He's 19 and still breastfeeding but he knows best.
Smash-cut to the last couple months, and he finds out that she may have had a fling in a tropical location, she may have had a date with an older guy from her church, and that she isn't always there when he thinks she should be. I'd say to him all the time, no one likes to date down. If you're an eight, you don't like dating sixes. Now this girl isn't any dimepiece, but she's a decent five-and-a-half, six on a great day. Either way, she's quite too good looking to be in this relationship. So I'll say John, she's dating down and she knows it. She will wake up and see that no one is jealous of her relationship and she'll want out. Oh no, I'm wrong though. But ask him about the guy he's most jealous of and it's the early 20s, college-educated lad that's in her church. Sounds like a girl who knows she can date at her level or up.
Now all he can tell me is how shaken his trust is, how he doesn't know the real woman inside of her, how he's over all this shit. But tell him to break up with her and he's not having it. Of course not. This woman is the only reason he lives. And no, that's not exaggeration nor hyperbole. To prove it, he says if this relationship fails, he has to move out of Tallahassee immediately.
Icarus. You're flying too close to the sun. Cuidado.
As I said earlier, John is of mixed race. His mother is African, gonna assume African-American, but definitely Africa. His father is mestizo from Dominican Republic. Apparently, he doesn't see this though. All he sees is that somewhere in his father's family tree, someone came from Spain. Some conquistador or poor bastard emigrated from Spain and landed on Hispanola. Because of his pure Spanish roots, no matter how watered down before it gets to John, he feels a kindred connection to Spain. At the same time, because myself and my friends are so into the effects of Maafa, he tries to appeal to our senses by boasting his love for "Mama Africa." His words, not mine.
I don't know if you need a history lesson in Spain, but like a lot of the European nations, their relations with people of colour, sketchy at best. We can show him folders of evidence to suggest that his own mother would be a second, third class citizen if she were over there, but that means nothing. This kid has Spaniard blood! It should be celebrated.
At the same time, he identifies by heritage, as do most Latinos, not by race. That's cool. But his notion of Latino is so contrived and stereotypical, that as a person who can trend Latin myself, it's offensive. It's like for him to validate his notion of Dominican, he has to fly the colours on his wall, go blast merengue, and praise bachata as the world's greatest music. Oh, that and say, hey Rafael Trujillo, he's not so bad. If you need to know about the atrocities of Trujillo, I can sum them up in one action. President Trujillo once had his army forces go to the river border and just slay thousands of Haitians. The number killed was so large that their blood flowed down the river, turning it red, and ever since, the river has been named Massacre. But then again, his grandfather liked Trujillo, so he's great! (Second-hand opinion, again.) By the way, did I mention that Trujillo was part Haitian and even painted himself with make-up to appear white? Yeah, great guy.
Work with me here, I'm bringing this full circle. The nature of race in Dominican Republic is touchy. Most of the population has African in them, but their census would do everything to dispute this fact. So I understand the complexity involved. But then again, the kid is from here and with an African-American mother. So his head shouldn't be so fucked up.
So again, he loves the throne in Spain, he also loves Mama Africa. Seems slightly contradictory when you boil it down, but hey, I guess. He loves Mama Africa, but ask him who he wants to date and it's white Latinas. Ask him where he'd like to go in the world, it's Madrid. No mention of any reclamations of roots lost in the dark continent. But all of this aside, he continues to appeal to myself and my friends as if he's one of the brothas, just another black kid because his hair is kinky and he likes Gucci Mane.
Amazing. I once asked a mutual friend of ours if he overemphasizes his Latinismo with their friends as he tries to do with his blackness with my friends. This mutual friend answered back with a resounding yes. The mutual friend even exposed him for not knowing fairly simple and common things Latino that transcend international borders, and so aren't nation-specific.
I can say John, don't try to be black because you're with the niggas. We know who we are, we know who you are. You're spending too much time trying to be us. We're not right because we think the way we think, see the world how we see it. We're right because we stay true to ourselves and our principles. Find yourself. And you'd be amazed how much clarity you can gain from just reading. Stop being a generalisation of your race and heritage. Stop using youtube videos to gain cultural perspective. Read. But no. No dice. I would say to him to emancipate himself, but he'd never know from whom or what.
Icarus ... cuidado ...
This poor bastard has even come to me and said, "I don't know what I want to talk about, but I feel enlightened right now." I asked if he finally read something. Of course not. Doesn't that sum up everything in a nutshell.
Maybe I should shut up. I can only tell Icarus to watch out so many times.
His political insights are amazing. For someone who just wants to marry his "girlfriend" and have a nice family life, who comes from such humble stock, you would think he digests Rush Limbaugh with many of his opinions. But he thinks he's liberal. One night, he came to me like this: I think I figured something out and it could really work. What if we cut taxes everywhere and let the rich keep their money? Then they'll spend it more, hire more people for jobs, and these dollars will flow all the way down the economy. I'm like, and you really think you invented this? His response was he's never seen it anywhere else. This damn kid thought he invented trickle-down theory. Reading is fundamental. And even still, I'm sure that idea came from someone else he had a discussion with; he then retooled it, repackaged it, and passed it off as his own.
Oh Icarus, so young.
I know, this episode is loosely structured, but if you knew him, it would make so much sense. When you rail on the kid, so much just flies out in disgust or in rage, it's impossible to keep it centred or formulate it to a specific pattern. Talking with him is like beating your head against a wall. It's pure, utter pain.
I can't stop though. It's my cross to bear. Sometimes I think he has a chance to wake the fuck up, to free himself, but just when I think so--BAM! Head into the wall.
John, you may think this blog is just to roast you, but no. It's to put how silly you sound in one location so you can see some gripes in one place. And if you need clarification, don't just go to me. You know my other friends who know you. Ask them. You really could become something great, but you're so mired in bullshit to realise that. So much potential energy, just none of it turns kinetic.
Oh Icarus, I tried to warn you.
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