This season of dull, boring, stupid lists keeps rolling, but luckily with this being the ninth of twelve episodes in season two, it's almost over! So to break the monotony of random bullshit that neither you nor I care about, I decided to spice it up.
As you may or may not know, I'm responsible for a four year old little girl. She's an absolute handful. She's entirely too affectionate. She talks back entirely too much. She pees the bed with reckless abandon. But every now and again, she's capable of some kinda cute or pretty cool shit. I have to give her credit where it's due. Sometimes she'll come next to me and show me her best Gator Chomp or tell me she can't wait to go see the Marlins again. See, to a dad, especially one who never wanted nor liked kids, that's the shit I like. But I do realise, she's a girl who will become a woman and she needs feminine role models. Hence this list. I've come up with four women whom I hope she could look up to and admire. I only had one criterion--the women had to look like her.
Why? Well, she's of African and Salvadoran heritage. As a little one, right now, she idolises (much to my utter hatred), the Disney whores. They look absolutely nothing like her. Nothing. And don't give me that Tiana shit. So it's important that she knows there's important people of similar racial or ethnic and cultural backgrounds. It's hard work being a woman already, but being one of colour too, you've just compounded the issue tenfold. So here we go. Four women my kid should admire.
4) Sonia Sotomayor. Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court, which without a doubt, is the most significant branch of our federal government. She's a Bronx girl, which gives her some street cred. She's the first person of Latin heritage (Puerto Rican, to be exact) on the bench, and more remarkable, only the third woman. (See what I mean about being a woman?) She also graduated from Princeton! In the seventies! I used to live in Princeton and spent some time on the campus, usually doing illegal stuff. That's become somewhat less homogeneous in its student body, but when Sotomayor was there, Princeton had less than 25 people of Latin ethnicity. You can only imagine the woman count was pretty low too. And she got into Princeton on a full ride. That alone, that's something the kid should admire. But long story short, she's been a private practice lawyer, she's moved through almost every single rank a judge can hold, she's been a professor of law, and is currently writing a memoir. That is an impressive resume indeed.
3) Celia Cruz. The Queen of Salsa and all Cuban music. Now, I admit, the kid has little rhythm and even worse dancing talent. However, this one is more about breaking ground, even more so than Justice Sotomayor. When you think of music, especially Salsa, you think of men--Blades, Colon, Puente, Pacheco, Valentin, etc. And yet, as huge as some of those names are, none have the weight nor importance as Celia Cruz does. That's saying something. She's toured the world over, she's received honours from American presidents, she's had her wardrobe in the National Smithsonian of American History, she's won seven Grammy awards, and even showed up in the movie "Mambo Kings". To say you like Salsa and not Cruz would be like claiming you're a Christian who doesn't believe in God. Impossible, right? The point here is music is and will always be such a hugely male-dominated arena, and Latin music, unless you're physically gorgeous, is no different. However, with hard work and mastery of a craft, you can smash that to pieces and be the biggest name ever. Not bad for an Afro-Latina with a Michael Strahan gap, que no?
2) Angela Davis. If you don't know this sister, you should immediately thank your lucky stars for what I'd have to assume is white privilege because there's no other reason to not know Angela Davis. I mean, for god's sake, she's only the face of one of the most famous pictures from the civil rights era ever! Writer, activist, freedom fighter, educator, and muse for a Rolling Stones song, Angela Davis...what can you really say about her? Politically, this is the woman I'd most want my kid to admire. Believe in the principles of Marxist ideology, fight for the rights of all peoples, strive for social justices and human rights, take a stand for something and defend it for dear life. I'm not even going to try to explain why the kid should emulate or look up to Angela, you should just fucking know already. Seriously. Like, seriously.
T-1) Her grandmother and her mother. Ah, some may say an obvious choice, but maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Her grandmother, good woman. Emigrated to the US from El Salvador and has been working ever since really. Taught herself English, which I find quite remarkable actually, considering how difficult English is to learn even in schools for ESL kids. The kid's grandmother's work ethic though is what I find astonishing. There's no job she won't do, no day she won't work. She really has put her family on her back and makes it look pretty easy, though she has experienced extremely difficult road blocks. I'm holding my fingers back because everything is not for me to say since it's not my mother, but if you only knew, you'd admire her too. Sure, she spoils the shit out of the kid, but she's a grandmother. And a damn good one, so here's to you.
Her mother, I can go more into detail on her. Coming out of a traditional Latin home, she seemed to know early on, a domestic life or a subordinate life was not going to suit her. Excelled in high school, got herself through college even while pregnant and eventually a mother, got herself through graduate school to earn a Masters, married a schmuck like me, picked her career field quickly and charged ahead into it. Quite amazing, really. Given the statistics of Latinas, given the statistics of women with children and blah blah blah, none of that meant anything to her. Sure, she's stubborn and bullish often, but a lot of that is how she's gotten to where she is today. Although I plead with the wife to cut the cord with the kid all the time, I hope the kid learns a lot from her.
Yeah so technically it's five women, but number one is a tie and they share DNA, so to me, that's one. Eat it if you disagree.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
2.8 -- Eleven Reasons Why I'm a Bit of an Anglophile
It's no secret, I'm a bit of an Anglophile. Sure, I love lots of other countries and know a lot about their histories, their customs and cultures, but one I've had my attention for a long while is England. Makes sense though seeing that we both speak the same language, sorta. But we share a lot of things. We watch each other's sports, eat some of each other's foods, and a lot of our television shows came directly from England. So, you may be a bit of an Anglophile too and not even know it! Anyway, I have 11 reasons of why I'm an Anglophile. Here we go.
11) DJ Spoony. The man has done it all from underground radio to BBC radio to working with the Dreem Team to hosting a 6-0-6 show to Strictly Come Dancing. I'm a bit of a fan of his DJ work, especially with Dreem Team, but I really grew to love him when he left his post at BBC Radio 1 and became the host of BBC 5 Live's 6-0-6. He was always much more enjoyable than Tim Lovejoy or Alan Green. The man's not perfect; he is a Liverpool supporter (even though he's from Hackney), and he did plead guilty to choking an ex-girlfriend, but then again, how many people would kill for one chance to choke an ex?
10) PG Tips Monkey. He's a sock monkey who likes to drink tea, but not just any tea, only PG Tips. He reminds me of a monkey I've had for almost 28 years now, only Monkey is an international celebrity. I often get to see his commercials while watching pirated UK channels or scouring youtube for them (The Rainy Day one makes me feel fuzzy every time) and I even "liked" him on facebook. Monkey should be a national treasure, way more than Churchill.
9) Fish and Chips. It's a classic. Fried cod or haddock, thick sliced chips, malt vinegar, a wedge of lemon, and tartar sauce wrapped in white paper. I may be a vegetarian, but I'll cheat for proper fish and chips.
8) Absolutely Fabulous. Drugs, booze, promiscuous sex, foul mouths, and two old birds trying to recapture lost youth. The tales of Edina and Patsy are fucking glourious, mate. I've been a fan since my early teens, and I still watch them on demand. You want to know how successful Ab-Fab is of a show? It's in its third run now. That's right, three runs: 92-96, 2001-2004, and now 2011 to present. It's a great show, a show that would never make it on American television, not with all of our Parent groups and our Christian Right. Oh, and for extra giggles, go look up what Patsy's birth name is on the show, it's a mouthful.
7) Joy Division. Without a doubt, the best English band ever and the finest export from Greater Manchester. Although the group only got to have four years before the lead singer, Ian Curtis, committed suicide, Joy Division was able to make two phenomenal albums. Unknown Pleasures is the more recognised album I'd assume because of the iconic cover, but it's Closer that's the better album, with songs like "Heart and Soul", "Isolation", and "Twenty-Four Hours". But with songs like "Transmission", "She's Lost Control", "Love Will Tear Us Apart", it's hard to not love Joy Division. They don't make music like that anymore anywhere (although not in the same vain, but Bloc Pary is hard to deny.)
6) Jungle/Drum and Bass. Take the Amen break and mix it with dub and throw it through a computer processor and you get the wonderful music that is Jungle, which later evolved into DnB. There's still the debate if Jungle and DnB are the same or different or who knows. I could care less. I like DnB, but I prefer old jungle; Grooverider, Krust, Congo Natty, LTJ Bukem, and more, those old jungle DJs put out classic cuts that still get spins on my iPod or stereo. DnB is good too, though. Who wouldn't like Roni Size or Goldie? They make good stuff. However, if I had to make a choice, I'm gonna pick jungle. I just really love the influence of the Amen break.
5) Spellings. Most of my fellow American friends notice I spell quite a few words in the English style. It's not a snooty thing or to feel more polished, I just like the way it looks. Tottenham are my favourite club. I don't like manual transmission, I find it harder to manouevre. Whilst some of you were studying for tests, I was rolling blunts. See? Doesn't that just look cooler?
4) Garage and Grime. I know, I know. They're not the same, and unlike the case of Jungle and DnB, these two really aren't the same. Yet, I group them together here at number four because without Garage, it's hard to say there'd ever be Grime. Garage, although not as popular as it once was, is still great fucking music. It's hard to explain what garage is if you've never heard it, more so because I'd have to use musical terms that'd have no foundation in your head. Think of garage as slicker, simpler house music but with more of a dub and reggae influence if that makes any sense. You probably know one garage song and it's probably Daniel Bedingfield's "Gotta Get Through This". (If you want to find out more about UK Garage, look up artists like Dreem Team, the Artful Dodger, Sunship, Shola Ama.) Eventually the garage sound took more of a turn into hip-hop and birthed Grime. Grime is my shit. It's not for everyone, as I've tried to turn many friends onto it but often hear them shoot it down, but I fuck with it hard. Slew Dem, Roll Deep, BBK, Newham Generals, Tinchy Stryder, Ghetts, ugh, so many old and new. I would say between most rap here and most grime over there...eh, it's tough to decide.
3) English Football. Premiership, Championship, League One, League Two, Blue Square, whatever. I just love English footy. While the rest of the world is on fire with La Liga, or at least ever since Serie A went into the tank after calciopoli, I'm still stuck on English football. I couldn't care less about Real Madrid and Barcelona, but I do care about whether Southampton will win promotion or how Gus Poyet is doing at Brighton; how long til AFC Wimbledon surpass MK Dons in league structure, and whether young Ferguson will ever be as hot as he was a couple seasons back when he had the Posh on quite a run. Sure, some may label it as direct, route one, lump it up to your number nine, but I still love it. The songs, the spirit, the way clubs overpay for English talent, all of it. Plus, when Arsenal lose domestically or get throttled in European play, everyone wins!
2) Spice Girls. A manufactured group of five girls from all over England captured my eyes, ears, and heart in the mid-90s. I've told the readers this before, but I had all the officially licensed tapes, lollipops, stickers, magazines, dolls, every goddamned thing Spice under the sun. They covered one whole wall of my room, and I had to buy two of every magazine--one to cut up and one to keep. It's the only reason I got into football at all, with Mel B. being a Leeds fan, Mel C. being a Liverpool supporter, and Emma being a supporter of by far the greatest team the world has ever seen. They got me into the world of English footy. And surprisingly, as much as they were eye candy, I've never jerked off to them. How did I not do that?! I must have labelled them sacred. Favourite Spice? Sporty. Favourite song? "Who Do You Think You Are?" Favourite moment? Geri in the Union Jack dress.
1) Danny Baker. Ah, Danny Baker. I love everything Danny Baker. Well almost everything (he is a Millwall supporter; can't get with that). He's witty, he's old, he loves a lot of the same music, he wears funny hats, he hosts a sports show that's even more loosely about sports than Tony Kornheiser's radio show, he was an official member of Led Zeppelin, and he killed Bob Marley. Yes, you read that right. He killed Bob Marley. Okay, not quite, but it's a rather interesting anecdote either way. He's bounced around throughout radio, but I'm more a fan of his work after his return to 6-0-6 with the Tuesday night Pirate Ship, and now his Saturday morning show (although I miss Issy Clarke a lot, but Lynsey Hipgrave has grown on me). He's brought us Teletext Alex, Highbrow above the Eyebrow, the Awesome, Destructive Power of the Football, and many other looney topics. All of this aside, his greatest triumph is undoubtedly, the Sausage Sandwich Game (originally titled "Oi! Do Me a Favour!"). So tell me, will it be red sauce, will it be brown sauce, or will it be no sauce at all?
11) DJ Spoony. The man has done it all from underground radio to BBC radio to working with the Dreem Team to hosting a 6-0-6 show to Strictly Come Dancing. I'm a bit of a fan of his DJ work, especially with Dreem Team, but I really grew to love him when he left his post at BBC Radio 1 and became the host of BBC 5 Live's 6-0-6. He was always much more enjoyable than Tim Lovejoy or Alan Green. The man's not perfect; he is a Liverpool supporter (even though he's from Hackney), and he did plead guilty to choking an ex-girlfriend, but then again, how many people would kill for one chance to choke an ex?
10) PG Tips Monkey. He's a sock monkey who likes to drink tea, but not just any tea, only PG Tips. He reminds me of a monkey I've had for almost 28 years now, only Monkey is an international celebrity. I often get to see his commercials while watching pirated UK channels or scouring youtube for them (The Rainy Day one makes me feel fuzzy every time) and I even "liked" him on facebook. Monkey should be a national treasure, way more than Churchill.
9) Fish and Chips. It's a classic. Fried cod or haddock, thick sliced chips, malt vinegar, a wedge of lemon, and tartar sauce wrapped in white paper. I may be a vegetarian, but I'll cheat for proper fish and chips.
8) Absolutely Fabulous. Drugs, booze, promiscuous sex, foul mouths, and two old birds trying to recapture lost youth. The tales of Edina and Patsy are fucking glourious, mate. I've been a fan since my early teens, and I still watch them on demand. You want to know how successful Ab-Fab is of a show? It's in its third run now. That's right, three runs: 92-96, 2001-2004, and now 2011 to present. It's a great show, a show that would never make it on American television, not with all of our Parent groups and our Christian Right. Oh, and for extra giggles, go look up what Patsy's birth name is on the show, it's a mouthful.
7) Joy Division. Without a doubt, the best English band ever and the finest export from Greater Manchester. Although the group only got to have four years before the lead singer, Ian Curtis, committed suicide, Joy Division was able to make two phenomenal albums. Unknown Pleasures is the more recognised album I'd assume because of the iconic cover, but it's Closer that's the better album, with songs like "Heart and Soul", "Isolation", and "Twenty-Four Hours". But with songs like "Transmission", "She's Lost Control", "Love Will Tear Us Apart", it's hard to not love Joy Division. They don't make music like that anymore anywhere (although not in the same vain, but Bloc Pary is hard to deny.)
6) Jungle/Drum and Bass. Take the Amen break and mix it with dub and throw it through a computer processor and you get the wonderful music that is Jungle, which later evolved into DnB. There's still the debate if Jungle and DnB are the same or different or who knows. I could care less. I like DnB, but I prefer old jungle; Grooverider, Krust, Congo Natty, LTJ Bukem, and more, those old jungle DJs put out classic cuts that still get spins on my iPod or stereo. DnB is good too, though. Who wouldn't like Roni Size or Goldie? They make good stuff. However, if I had to make a choice, I'm gonna pick jungle. I just really love the influence of the Amen break.
5) Spellings. Most of my fellow American friends notice I spell quite a few words in the English style. It's not a snooty thing or to feel more polished, I just like the way it looks. Tottenham are my favourite club. I don't like manual transmission, I find it harder to manouevre. Whilst some of you were studying for tests, I was rolling blunts. See? Doesn't that just look cooler?
4) Garage and Grime. I know, I know. They're not the same, and unlike the case of Jungle and DnB, these two really aren't the same. Yet, I group them together here at number four because without Garage, it's hard to say there'd ever be Grime. Garage, although not as popular as it once was, is still great fucking music. It's hard to explain what garage is if you've never heard it, more so because I'd have to use musical terms that'd have no foundation in your head. Think of garage as slicker, simpler house music but with more of a dub and reggae influence if that makes any sense. You probably know one garage song and it's probably Daniel Bedingfield's "Gotta Get Through This". (If you want to find out more about UK Garage, look up artists like Dreem Team, the Artful Dodger, Sunship, Shola Ama.) Eventually the garage sound took more of a turn into hip-hop and birthed Grime. Grime is my shit. It's not for everyone, as I've tried to turn many friends onto it but often hear them shoot it down, but I fuck with it hard. Slew Dem, Roll Deep, BBK, Newham Generals, Tinchy Stryder, Ghetts, ugh, so many old and new. I would say between most rap here and most grime over there...eh, it's tough to decide.
3) English Football. Premiership, Championship, League One, League Two, Blue Square, whatever. I just love English footy. While the rest of the world is on fire with La Liga, or at least ever since Serie A went into the tank after calciopoli, I'm still stuck on English football. I couldn't care less about Real Madrid and Barcelona, but I do care about whether Southampton will win promotion or how Gus Poyet is doing at Brighton; how long til AFC Wimbledon surpass MK Dons in league structure, and whether young Ferguson will ever be as hot as he was a couple seasons back when he had the Posh on quite a run. Sure, some may label it as direct, route one, lump it up to your number nine, but I still love it. The songs, the spirit, the way clubs overpay for English talent, all of it. Plus, when Arsenal lose domestically or get throttled in European play, everyone wins!
2) Spice Girls. A manufactured group of five girls from all over England captured my eyes, ears, and heart in the mid-90s. I've told the readers this before, but I had all the officially licensed tapes, lollipops, stickers, magazines, dolls, every goddamned thing Spice under the sun. They covered one whole wall of my room, and I had to buy two of every magazine--one to cut up and one to keep. It's the only reason I got into football at all, with Mel B. being a Leeds fan, Mel C. being a Liverpool supporter, and Emma being a supporter of by far the greatest team the world has ever seen. They got me into the world of English footy. And surprisingly, as much as they were eye candy, I've never jerked off to them. How did I not do that?! I must have labelled them sacred. Favourite Spice? Sporty. Favourite song? "Who Do You Think You Are?" Favourite moment? Geri in the Union Jack dress.
1) Danny Baker. Ah, Danny Baker. I love everything Danny Baker. Well almost everything (he is a Millwall supporter; can't get with that). He's witty, he's old, he loves a lot of the same music, he wears funny hats, he hosts a sports show that's even more loosely about sports than Tony Kornheiser's radio show, he was an official member of Led Zeppelin, and he killed Bob Marley. Yes, you read that right. He killed Bob Marley. Okay, not quite, but it's a rather interesting anecdote either way. He's bounced around throughout radio, but I'm more a fan of his work after his return to 6-0-6 with the Tuesday night Pirate Ship, and now his Saturday morning show (although I miss Issy Clarke a lot, but Lynsey Hipgrave has grown on me). He's brought us Teletext Alex, Highbrow above the Eyebrow, the Awesome, Destructive Power of the Football, and many other looney topics. All of this aside, his greatest triumph is undoubtedly, the Sausage Sandwich Game (originally titled "Oi! Do Me a Favour!"). So tell me, will it be red sauce, will it be brown sauce, or will it be no sauce at all?
Monday, January 23, 2012
2.7 -- #30ThingsAboutMe
Fuck you. Sue me. Whatever. So a season full of lists... maybe not my best idea. Sounded good. I mean everyone likes to list things for some reason. I'm trying not to lean heavy on sports and music, so finding variety in lists to keep all 12 of you interested? Not the easiest thing to do. But nevertheless, I'm here again.
So I see on the twitter that #30thingsaboutme is trending worldwide. Thank god. I hadn't blogged in over 10 days probably, so that's the easiest idea in the world. Thirty things, no explanation, just straight up. Let's get this shit over with. If you have questions or comments, you can find me on facebook, twitter, or tumblr and ask. So here we go.
1. I'm more compassionate to aggregates rather than individuals when it comes to people.
2. I never once told my mother she looked nice. Never.
3. Comfort and being comfortable, they both scare the hell out of me.
4. The only DC trend I can say I ever fell into was I once had a pair of Nike boots. Ugh.
5. I could eat broccoli all day; raw, steamed, boiled, sauteed, whatever.
6. I can't have a big bag of chips without eating the whole thing that day, regardless if it's a 6-8 oz bag or family size.
7. If you order coffee with whipped cream, sprinkles, swirls, flavoured syrups, any of that kind of shit, I will judge you to no end.
8. I idolise blue collar folks, be it farmers or people with steel lunch boxes.
9. Living in South Florida as a card-carrying Marxist, you learn quickly just to avoid all political conversations with people.
10. I'm a cat person.
11. I almost always immediately hate anything popular, and sometimes just because it's popular. I can admit it.
12. I find a woman in her underwear (not bra, but I don't like saying the P word) is much hotter than a totally naked woman.
13. My line number is 13, but I tried to be a 14.
14. I always find it funny, and not in a good sense, that us black folks will always use our "blackness" to intimidate most white folks.
15. I get tired of most people I know very quickly.
16. I sincerely hope to move out of the country by the time the kid's out of college or whatever route she chooses to take.
17. I often cook even if I'm not hungry; I just like to be in the kitchen.
18. I love soccer and American football, but the soccer fan who gets bent out of shape about calling that sport the real football doesn't know their history and really, who gives a shit? And yes, I call soccer football too but only with other footy fans.
19. I'm a fan of change for change's sake.
20. I will wear socks and underwear until they literally evapourate into thin air.
21. I have Italian heritage, and yet, I've never rooted for Italy in any international competition of any sort and I really don't plan on ever doing so.
22. I like to get stupid tattoos with little to no meaning because I really don't give a shit; it's more of a fuck you to society than a deep meaning.
23. I think Waffle House is one of the greatest eating establishments in America.
24. I still find it incredibly hard to suppress my natural urge to yell "O!" during the national anthem every time I hear it.
25. I wish I liked jazz more, but I only find it tolerable.
26. If it weren't for the sexism and rules about hair, I'd probably adhere to the Rastafari movement.
27. I really don't watch too many sitcoms of the last 10 years, as I'm still stuck on Seinfeld, Married..., and Roseanne syndications.
28. However, I do think Parks and Rec is fucking genius.
29. If you're a Republican, I probably think you're an idiot; if you're a Democrat, I probably think you're an idiot.
30. I wish I had thought of paternity tests and teenage whores (both male and female) before Maury did.
So I see on the twitter that #30thingsaboutme is trending worldwide. Thank god. I hadn't blogged in over 10 days probably, so that's the easiest idea in the world. Thirty things, no explanation, just straight up. Let's get this shit over with. If you have questions or comments, you can find me on facebook, twitter, or tumblr and ask. So here we go.
1. I'm more compassionate to aggregates rather than individuals when it comes to people.
2. I never once told my mother she looked nice. Never.
3. Comfort and being comfortable, they both scare the hell out of me.
4. The only DC trend I can say I ever fell into was I once had a pair of Nike boots. Ugh.
5. I could eat broccoli all day; raw, steamed, boiled, sauteed, whatever.
6. I can't have a big bag of chips without eating the whole thing that day, regardless if it's a 6-8 oz bag or family size.
7. If you order coffee with whipped cream, sprinkles, swirls, flavoured syrups, any of that kind of shit, I will judge you to no end.
8. I idolise blue collar folks, be it farmers or people with steel lunch boxes.
9. Living in South Florida as a card-carrying Marxist, you learn quickly just to avoid all political conversations with people.
10. I'm a cat person.
11. I almost always immediately hate anything popular, and sometimes just because it's popular. I can admit it.
12. I find a woman in her underwear (not bra, but I don't like saying the P word) is much hotter than a totally naked woman.
13. My line number is 13, but I tried to be a 14.
14. I always find it funny, and not in a good sense, that us black folks will always use our "blackness" to intimidate most white folks.
15. I get tired of most people I know very quickly.
16. I sincerely hope to move out of the country by the time the kid's out of college or whatever route she chooses to take.
17. I often cook even if I'm not hungry; I just like to be in the kitchen.
18. I love soccer and American football, but the soccer fan who gets bent out of shape about calling that sport the real football doesn't know their history and really, who gives a shit? And yes, I call soccer football too but only with other footy fans.
19. I'm a fan of change for change's sake.
20. I will wear socks and underwear until they literally evapourate into thin air.
21. I have Italian heritage, and yet, I've never rooted for Italy in any international competition of any sort and I really don't plan on ever doing so.
22. I like to get stupid tattoos with little to no meaning because I really don't give a shit; it's more of a fuck you to society than a deep meaning.
23. I think Waffle House is one of the greatest eating establishments in America.
24. I still find it incredibly hard to suppress my natural urge to yell "O!" during the national anthem every time I hear it.
25. I wish I liked jazz more, but I only find it tolerable.
26. If it weren't for the sexism and rules about hair, I'd probably adhere to the Rastafari movement.
27. I really don't watch too many sitcoms of the last 10 years, as I'm still stuck on Seinfeld, Married..., and Roseanne syndications.
28. However, I do think Parks and Rec is fucking genius.
29. If you're a Republican, I probably think you're an idiot; if you're a Democrat, I probably think you're an idiot.
30. I wish I had thought of paternity tests and teenage whores (both male and female) before Maury did.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
2.6 -- Eight Things That Have Ruined Pornography
After this episode, we'll be halfway through season two and the end of this season cannot come fast enough. I made a stupid mistake thinking I should do a season of lists entirely. Sounds good in theory, right? You probably sit around with your mates all the time and discuss the best of, the worst of, the most overrated, the most underrated, and it's always fun. Yeah, but when you sit down to have that same discussion with yourself, it sucks. So no more bullshit, let's get on with episode six.
I like porn. I used to love porn. Remember the first time you saw your first X-rated movie? The fear of getting caught? The overflowing of blood to extremities? Wondering if the girls really enjoyed it or if it were all a ruse? Those were the days. I remember my first flick. I stole it from my cousin, it was called "Black Fox", starring Ebony Ayes and Nina de Ponca. I remember it like yesterday. It was the very movie that made me decide to be the best pussy-eater I can be. Anyway, that movie was from 1989, before mainstream porn jumped the shark. You'd be hard pressed to find a movie like that anymore.
Today's porn? Not for me. Don't get me wrong, I'll still give a good tug but it's more because I'm bored or the wife is out of town or I need to get some sleep so why not release? But so much of it is either just completely disgusting or just degrading. I'm glad I never learned about sex from X-rated films and that I had a mother who gave me the Joy of Sex as a preteen to read and reread. Anyway, I've come up with eight things that have ruined porn for me today.
8) Porn Stars. If you fuck on film, you're an adult entertainer, an adult film actor/actress, whatever. Just because you fuck on film, it does not, DOES NOT, make you a porn star. I'm a fan of the porn of my youth, that early 90s porn. Ginger Lynn, Vanessa del Rio, Dominique, Savannah, Kobe Tai, Heather Hunter, these girls were porn stars. These girls today in porn, I don't even know their names. And with the market so saturated, trust me, it's got to be impossible to become a star today. I'm sure the contract girls are probably stars like Bella Donna, but it's not the same. The lustre of being a porn star is certainly gone. So if you're the girl in a three penis scene in hour number three of a gonzo film, you're not a star, honey.
7) Squirting. Somehow I went probably ten years in watching or knowing about all kinds of vile genres of pornography without ever coming across squirting. And even still, it felt like for the longest, only that Cytherea chick or whomever she is, was squirting on film. Today? EVERYONE is squirting, even the damn grip guy is squirting. And it's one thing to have sex, come on film and squirt, but it's another when it's 20 girls all squirting on one person's face or swapping squirt juice, whatever. Like seriously? If you're jerking off to this, you may as well move on to snuff films, you sick bastard.
6) Anal Scenes. DISCLAIMER--I've never stuck anything of mine into a woman's ass. The idea of it... it's not my scene. That said, I used to be quite a fan of the anal scene in a flick because it wasn't every single fucking scene. It used to be in an hour long tape, MAYBE one girl got it in the butt, and that taboo made it exciting. Now? Please. So many of our young women around the world are going to have anal problems because they're taking two in there at the same time, there's no lubrication, hell a lot of guys don't even touch the vagina and just plow the asshole. Like holy cow, people. I would assume, your average heterosexual couple who do go backdoor aren't going backdoor every sexual encounter. If you were an alien and had to learn about our sexual habits from porn... well no wonder the anal probe is so popular among Americans who've been "abducted" by aliens. Please. Stop, women. Stop letting these wild hogs blast your anal cavity to oblivion. Think about your life ten years down the road. Oh, and Brasilians, y'all really need to stop it.
5) Mandingo STILL Slays the White Girl. It's 2012, motherfuckers. 2012. Get your head around that. It's 2012. Yet, we still have actual movies like the Blindside, the Help; we still have sitcoms based in NYC or Chicago and you never see a coloured face as a passer-by nor majour character really; and yes, we still have the big black penis ripping the petite white woman's lady bits to shreds. How is this still popular in 2012?! I have the suspicion that it's neo-Nazis and white supremacists who are the biggest audience of this shit. It's tired, y'all. Move the fuck on.
4) Too Much Head, Not Enough Head. Let's say your average one-on-one heterosexual porn scene is 40 minutes. I guarantee you, 20 of those 40 minutes, the woman is blowing the guy. I'm not a big fan of a blowjob, give me one a year and I'm fine. I'm a pussy eater. I like to critique the cunnilingus in flicks but shit, they never eat any! Oh, I'm sorry, they do when they take off her panties and give a few general broad licks that encompass asshole and vulva. Wow. Looks like fun if your idea of fun someone dragging a damp washcloth down your crack, ladies. And the camera angles for the five minutes of eating suck. Like, I can't get jiggy with that shit! Furthermore, even before I saw Black Fox, my mom pulled me to the side and told me as a preteen, if you learn to love eating your woman out, you'll be in high demand. And she was right. Now there's a generation of young heterosexual men who just gloss over cunnilingus because they learn everything from XXX movies and there isn't any in said movies. Depressing. If I made movies, I'd make whole scenes of just eating pussy.
3) Lesbian Porn. I have a gay father, a few gay uncles, and over the years have had a good number of gay friends of both sexes. I've never liked lesbian porn and I've never met a lesbian who likes lesbian porn and I don't blame them. The shit is retarded. Two girls, lipsticked up, teased hair, best slutty outfits, eating box to entertain men. I get it, that sells probably, but why not gear some to actual lesbians?! Give me the scene with the butch and the lipstick who actually live a lesbian lifestyle in the bedroom rather than two girls going gay for pay. And what's with the long fingernails?! You can't do anything outside of a pap smear with those stylised nails! And the trying to look pretty while eating, stop. Get your face in there, get it messy. You'll enjoy it more. I mean I'm not a woman, but I love having remnant all in my facial hair. That's amazing. And then just attacking the clitoris from the word go... ugh, get out of here. It's so fucking bad. Maybe the studios should get actual lesbians on payroll, if not to fuck on camera, well to at least advise and make things accurate. But then again, I guess porn never claimed to be accurate.
2) Misogyny. I'm not talking about the general exploitation of women because I don't think porn as a whole does that. I do believe porn serves a function and it does pay a nice premium from my research, so exploitation, meh, whatever. I'm talking about the throat gagging, the smacking, the choking, the making a woman's mascara run, the pinching the nose while making the woman deep throat, the slapping in the face with penises, the ATMs, the constant calling of bitch and ho, the forcefulness of many scenes. It feels a lot like you're watching rape on tape rather than consenting adults. Just so much of porn seems to be "How can we get this dumb bitch to do totally disgusting shit on camera? I know! I'll fuck her in the ass unexpectedly, pull out, slap her in the eye with my penis and then make her suck me off while I choke her and spit in her face!" No part of that is entertaining nor attractive. I can't even stand to watch actual movies where there are rape scenes, but the new wave of hardcore porn, Christ. It's not okay, people. There needs to be more female adult movie makers or something.
1) Shaved Beaver. This is a fucking epidemic and my biggest complaint with porn and women today. Pubic hair is not unattractive nor does it have cooties! Stop shaving and looking like eight year old girls! Somewhere I went from all the girls I dated had at least a landing strip to all the girls shaving. Shit's not cute. I've tried to beg the wife to just let hers grow, but she's been convinced that's nasty and not ladylike. Fuck that. This is why 80s porn is the best, big bushy hairy beaver. When I go downstairs, I want to feel a nice soft muff under my nose, not stubble or baldness. I mean, really, that's like licking the top of a bald man's head, not eating some of the best stuff on earth and savouring the essence! Porn actresses, start growing out those bushes again! Don't be ashamed! And the worst part, if I want to see a woman with a big beaver, I have to look at hirsute porn, but then they have hairy legs, pleasure trails, bushy armpits, mustaches, all kinds of shit. It's a sad day when a woman thinks pubic hair is embarrassing.
There you have it. Eight things that have ruined pornography for me. It's time to take a stand against the shit we're getting now. We need a return to classic porn, more organic sex on film, not shit just to shock and awe. Thank you.
I like porn. I used to love porn. Remember the first time you saw your first X-rated movie? The fear of getting caught? The overflowing of blood to extremities? Wondering if the girls really enjoyed it or if it were all a ruse? Those were the days. I remember my first flick. I stole it from my cousin, it was called "Black Fox", starring Ebony Ayes and Nina de Ponca. I remember it like yesterday. It was the very movie that made me decide to be the best pussy-eater I can be. Anyway, that movie was from 1989, before mainstream porn jumped the shark. You'd be hard pressed to find a movie like that anymore.
Today's porn? Not for me. Don't get me wrong, I'll still give a good tug but it's more because I'm bored or the wife is out of town or I need to get some sleep so why not release? But so much of it is either just completely disgusting or just degrading. I'm glad I never learned about sex from X-rated films and that I had a mother who gave me the Joy of Sex as a preteen to read and reread. Anyway, I've come up with eight things that have ruined porn for me today.
8) Porn Stars. If you fuck on film, you're an adult entertainer, an adult film actor/actress, whatever. Just because you fuck on film, it does not, DOES NOT, make you a porn star. I'm a fan of the porn of my youth, that early 90s porn. Ginger Lynn, Vanessa del Rio, Dominique, Savannah, Kobe Tai, Heather Hunter, these girls were porn stars. These girls today in porn, I don't even know their names. And with the market so saturated, trust me, it's got to be impossible to become a star today. I'm sure the contract girls are probably stars like Bella Donna, but it's not the same. The lustre of being a porn star is certainly gone. So if you're the girl in a three penis scene in hour number three of a gonzo film, you're not a star, honey.
7) Squirting. Somehow I went probably ten years in watching or knowing about all kinds of vile genres of pornography without ever coming across squirting. And even still, it felt like for the longest, only that Cytherea chick or whomever she is, was squirting on film. Today? EVERYONE is squirting, even the damn grip guy is squirting. And it's one thing to have sex, come on film and squirt, but it's another when it's 20 girls all squirting on one person's face or swapping squirt juice, whatever. Like seriously? If you're jerking off to this, you may as well move on to snuff films, you sick bastard.
6) Anal Scenes. DISCLAIMER--I've never stuck anything of mine into a woman's ass. The idea of it... it's not my scene. That said, I used to be quite a fan of the anal scene in a flick because it wasn't every single fucking scene. It used to be in an hour long tape, MAYBE one girl got it in the butt, and that taboo made it exciting. Now? Please. So many of our young women around the world are going to have anal problems because they're taking two in there at the same time, there's no lubrication, hell a lot of guys don't even touch the vagina and just plow the asshole. Like holy cow, people. I would assume, your average heterosexual couple who do go backdoor aren't going backdoor every sexual encounter. If you were an alien and had to learn about our sexual habits from porn... well no wonder the anal probe is so popular among Americans who've been "abducted" by aliens. Please. Stop, women. Stop letting these wild hogs blast your anal cavity to oblivion. Think about your life ten years down the road. Oh, and Brasilians, y'all really need to stop it.
5) Mandingo STILL Slays the White Girl. It's 2012, motherfuckers. 2012. Get your head around that. It's 2012. Yet, we still have actual movies like the Blindside, the Help; we still have sitcoms based in NYC or Chicago and you never see a coloured face as a passer-by nor majour character really; and yes, we still have the big black penis ripping the petite white woman's lady bits to shreds. How is this still popular in 2012?! I have the suspicion that it's neo-Nazis and white supremacists who are the biggest audience of this shit. It's tired, y'all. Move the fuck on.
4) Too Much Head, Not Enough Head. Let's say your average one-on-one heterosexual porn scene is 40 minutes. I guarantee you, 20 of those 40 minutes, the woman is blowing the guy. I'm not a big fan of a blowjob, give me one a year and I'm fine. I'm a pussy eater. I like to critique the cunnilingus in flicks but shit, they never eat any! Oh, I'm sorry, they do when they take off her panties and give a few general broad licks that encompass asshole and vulva. Wow. Looks like fun if your idea of fun someone dragging a damp washcloth down your crack, ladies. And the camera angles for the five minutes of eating suck. Like, I can't get jiggy with that shit! Furthermore, even before I saw Black Fox, my mom pulled me to the side and told me as a preteen, if you learn to love eating your woman out, you'll be in high demand. And she was right. Now there's a generation of young heterosexual men who just gloss over cunnilingus because they learn everything from XXX movies and there isn't any in said movies. Depressing. If I made movies, I'd make whole scenes of just eating pussy.
3) Lesbian Porn. I have a gay father, a few gay uncles, and over the years have had a good number of gay friends of both sexes. I've never liked lesbian porn and I've never met a lesbian who likes lesbian porn and I don't blame them. The shit is retarded. Two girls, lipsticked up, teased hair, best slutty outfits, eating box to entertain men. I get it, that sells probably, but why not gear some to actual lesbians?! Give me the scene with the butch and the lipstick who actually live a lesbian lifestyle in the bedroom rather than two girls going gay for pay. And what's with the long fingernails?! You can't do anything outside of a pap smear with those stylised nails! And the trying to look pretty while eating, stop. Get your face in there, get it messy. You'll enjoy it more. I mean I'm not a woman, but I love having remnant all in my facial hair. That's amazing. And then just attacking the clitoris from the word go... ugh, get out of here. It's so fucking bad. Maybe the studios should get actual lesbians on payroll, if not to fuck on camera, well to at least advise and make things accurate. But then again, I guess porn never claimed to be accurate.
2) Misogyny. I'm not talking about the general exploitation of women because I don't think porn as a whole does that. I do believe porn serves a function and it does pay a nice premium from my research, so exploitation, meh, whatever. I'm talking about the throat gagging, the smacking, the choking, the making a woman's mascara run, the pinching the nose while making the woman deep throat, the slapping in the face with penises, the ATMs, the constant calling of bitch and ho, the forcefulness of many scenes. It feels a lot like you're watching rape on tape rather than consenting adults. Just so much of porn seems to be "How can we get this dumb bitch to do totally disgusting shit on camera? I know! I'll fuck her in the ass unexpectedly, pull out, slap her in the eye with my penis and then make her suck me off while I choke her and spit in her face!" No part of that is entertaining nor attractive. I can't even stand to watch actual movies where there are rape scenes, but the new wave of hardcore porn, Christ. It's not okay, people. There needs to be more female adult movie makers or something.
1) Shaved Beaver. This is a fucking epidemic and my biggest complaint with porn and women today. Pubic hair is not unattractive nor does it have cooties! Stop shaving and looking like eight year old girls! Somewhere I went from all the girls I dated had at least a landing strip to all the girls shaving. Shit's not cute. I've tried to beg the wife to just let hers grow, but she's been convinced that's nasty and not ladylike. Fuck that. This is why 80s porn is the best, big bushy hairy beaver. When I go downstairs, I want to feel a nice soft muff under my nose, not stubble or baldness. I mean, really, that's like licking the top of a bald man's head, not eating some of the best stuff on earth and savouring the essence! Porn actresses, start growing out those bushes again! Don't be ashamed! And the worst part, if I want to see a woman with a big beaver, I have to look at hirsute porn, but then they have hairy legs, pleasure trails, bushy armpits, mustaches, all kinds of shit. It's a sad day when a woman thinks pubic hair is embarrassing.
There you have it. Eight things that have ruined pornography for me. It's time to take a stand against the shit we're getting now. We need a return to classic porn, more organic sex on film, not shit just to shock and awe. Thank you.
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