I'm quite judgmental. Not of people, but definitely of characteristics of people. I stand firmly on my ideals and values, my principles and shit. I don't need people to agree with me, that's boring. There doesn't need to be a whole world full of Chuys. In fact, the world couldn't handle a boatload of me. I'm brash, I'm ignorant, I'm crude, I'm blunt, I speak without consideration of feelings, and most importantly, I don't care and like it that way. And let's be real, you like it that way too. It's part of my charm. If you didn't like it that way, then you wouldn't be reading this right now. Yes. That goes for all four of you. (I never said I was good at this.)
So in this, the season finale of The Recesses, I offer to you 10 things I may hate about you. These ten things may pertain to you, they may not. If they don't, consider yourself lucky. You're in good standing with me.
Oh yeah, these aren't ranked.
#1 -- People who like obscure rappers and bands. I love hip-hop, rap, and punk, and these seem to be the scene where people are scrambling to find those overlooked gems. I know quite a few people who will only big up MC Whothefuckisthat? and DJ Iknowyouneverheardofthiscat as if their knowledge of this highly unheard-of musician makes them more certified to critique music or talk about music than anyone on staff at Spin or Rolling Stone. Now granted, I don't really like music rags either, but they at least spread themselves between the popular and the up-and-comers. I don't get why a person tries to one-up another by referencing some artist that only 200 people nationwide have ever heard of. Like does it make them come on themselves? Great, you like your local garage band that plays at your local hole-in-the-wall pub. But hello, there are actual artists who've broken above ground and didn't completely sell out or sacrifice themselves for the power of a dollar. So please, fuck off and keep your unknown artist exactly that way--unknown.
#2 -- People who cannot watch an animal be slaughtered but will fuck up a pork chop. Two days ago, I'm sitting on the couch with my lovely wife watching No Reservations. Tony was somewhere in the world and visited a slaughterhouse where a pig was hanging from its rear legs and having its throat slit to drain the blood. They eventually ripped it open down the middle and removed the organs. My wife cringed and demanded to change the channel. Since I've been vegetarian for 18 months or so, she spent about the first four to six being pescetarian but then couldn't refuse chicken and the like. So I say to her, this is how you get the meat you eat. Apparently, there's a huge disconnect. Because your plate doesn't have the head attached, you can remove yourself from the certain knowledge that it's a dead animal for dinner. So to me, that's frustrating. You know your hamburger is cow, don't cringe when you see the cow get gutted and drained of blood. After all, it wouldn't be going through all of that if you didn't have such a taste for grounded cow chunks.
#3 -- People that are too Christian. As you should know by now, I'm no Christian. But I wasn't always this way. I did find whatever their God is and this figure of the Christ in high school, but mere years later, I reject everything ever acquired. Now this doesn't only go against the faux Christian, the one who fucks everything in sight, drinks Thursday to Saturday, goes to church every so often and knows a few scriptures. This also goes to the people who go on every Sunday or Saturday for you seventh-day obvservers, only listen to Christian AM or FM radio, go to see Steven Curtis Chapman and DC Talk, and have that stupid fucking bumper sticker "1 Christ + 3 Nails = 4Given." We live in a country where Christianity is the norm and is expected to be the faith of everyone. So it's okay to put for your status some stupid scripture quote, or it's great to thank your god for you finally getting that job or promotion. But it's not okay to profess a belief in a faith not of the big three, and it's not okay for you to overlook their god and thank yourself for getting what you set out to achieve. Look, if I remember correctly, Jesus told his disciples that when they fast, don't look hungry and unkempt to draw attention to the fact that they are fasting. Rather, they're to keep up their normal ways and normal appearances and save that fake shit for the Pharisees. Well, how about you motherfuckers do that too? I'm not saying reject your belief principles, but don't do it to draw attention, do it because you believe it to be right for you.
#4 -- People too oversexed. I'm vulgar and I like to talk nasty with everyone. It's nothing people take seriously. We all know I'm full of shit, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by suggesting you eat them out while they hang from a door frame. Either way, I know a few people, one in particular, who would make you think sex is the greatest feeling in the world. I haven't slept with many women, just four, but I've had decent to bad to fucking incredible sex and back again. It still doesn't rank in my top five or 10 things to do. This is in no way an indictment of the wife and her sexual prowess or capabilities. I quite enjoy fucking the wife. But let's be real, if you can give yourself a nut too, then how does catching one with another person make such a huge difference that it's suddenly the best thing in life? I mean catching a perfect breeze or the right combination of coffee and a matching cigar, or the feeling of seeing the Gators whoop up on UGA or Tottenham shitting on Arsenal. There's plenty of amazing feelings. What about when you hate kids and keep telling them not to hug you or whatever but then they catch you when your guard is down and you enjoy the hug? Really people? It's an orgasm. Get the fuck out of here.
#5 -- People from Philadelphia. Let's face it, that city is a fucking dump. Veterans Stadium was perfect for that shithole. I've never met someone from Philadelphia that I totally liked. Chalk it up to my Pittsburgh origins or my time in central Jersey, but I think that place and their people should be bombed worse than Nagasaki.
#6 -- People in the two parties. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I'm in a third party. Pretty small, has a few headquarters in big cities across the country. Its platform is something I can really stand on and they have a kick ass magazine and newsletter. Being in Florida though, third party voters are not allowed to vote in primaries. But then again, I wouldn't want either of those ass hats to represent me anyway. Look, I'm okay if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, libertarian, whatever. That's fine, you're supposed to be able define where you stand or should stand on most issues in one word. However, people who hold onto the two party system but at the same time expect things to ever be different, they're all idiots. The difference between a Democrat and Republican is like the difference between instant and percolated coffee. At the end of the day, they're both bland cups of coffee lacking in flavour and zest. That's what you vote for every November, Taster's Choice or Maxwell House. Change the nation and think outside the square pegs and round holes.
#7 -- People who prefer Krispy Kreme over Dunkin' Donuts. I live in the south, have periodically, and have done so for awhile now. But I grew up primarily in the northeast and mid-Atlantic. Up there, America really does run on Dunkin'. Down here though, in most of Florida and a lot of the South, the region drags on Krispy Kreme. I don't get it. People go nuts over a glazed donut. Really people? It's sugar, donut, done. Now I know I can't talk much because I think Dunkin's old-fashioned is the best donut the world over, but Dunkin's selection is better and their coffee is leagues above Krispy Kreme's watered down shit. Plus, there's something about Krispy Kreme that makes you feel fat and disgusting when you eat it. But then again, aren't most of those who visit that place fat and disgusting?
#8 -- People who lie about masturbating. I've been tugging on my own penis since 14. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It took a few tries to get it down, took forever too. My arm got sore, my wrist was hurting, but I was persistent and splash! I'm now 28, and although I don't jerk off with the fervour of years past, I still enjoy a good pull once or twice a week. Now if you're 14 and in high school, I understand lying about jerking off. No one wants to be the jerk king of their school. But I knew people in college and even still who swear they've never masturbated, or don't do it anymore, or did it once or twice but didn't see the point. Fucking lying bastards. Every man loves a quick pull of their own penis. A good scene on the internet and three minutes can release all the stress and pressure you've been feeling. Why lie about it? It's natural and hell it's functional, serving a huge purpose. Even worse are the women who say they never flick their own bean and jill off. Come on. We're grown. You're not getting fucked or eaten or scissored every day, you've got needs too. I know you stick your hand down your pants from time to time and rub one out. So please, let's be adults here.
#9 -- Beatles fans. Let me make this clear: I don't get the Beatles. It's not that I don't like music from bygone eras, and it's not that I don't like Merseybeat and the British Invasion. I do. I just don't like nor understand what the phenomenon of the Beatles is. I understand it for Baby Boomers, but for generations after that, we've already been exposed to large shifts in music, so four Scousers with bobs and songs about riding in their cars and the blood-sucking, money-grubbing tax man, I don't get it. If you're my age and think the Beatles are the greatest thing in music ever, you deserve to be drawn and quartered. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Hate it. Eleanor Rigby? Hate it. Yellow Submarine? Despicably annoying. None of these songs are good. But yet, I keep finding kids and people my age who just drink the kool-aid and accept the Beatles for great and god-like. If you ask me, I could name 100 better bands throughout time than those cunts.
#10 -- People who can eat breakfast foods for dinner but can't eat dinner foods for breakfast. My wife is one of these folks. She doesn't mind Waffle House at 9PM, but pasta or leftovers at 9AM, not happening. Science shows that if you your day with the biggest meal at the beginning, it can boost metabolism and keep you energised longer throughout. So really, eggs and toast is better for dinner and that meatloaf and mashed potatoes is better suited for the morning. Me personally, I constantly wake up and cook rice and beans and whatever was yesterday's dinner. I can vouch for it, a big meal in the morning and a small one at dinner, much easier to keep you going. Give it a try.
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