I told you season two would be all lists. Don't worry, this season is only 12 episodes, so bear with me. Anyway, last week, we went through the 10 best albums in hip-hop and rap according to me. Interestingly enough, this week's episode kinda spun off last week's.
I was surfing theGrio.com and came across what they ranked as the top 10 albums in rap and R&B for 2011 and I saw one artist that I just don't get all the fuss. I see him being hyped up, tweeted out as the torch bearer of today's hip-hop, and see people that I would never call a hip-hop head nor rap fan quoting him. So kudos, J Cole, your high level of popularity is the driving force behind this entry.
It's not that I'm saying the guy isn't decent. He's alright. I enjoyed some of his mixtape work enough, but his studio album. Meh. You can have it back. To me, he's gone the way of Big Sean and Wiz Khalifa, although he's not nearly as bad. He has a chance to come back strong still; to me, the other two have walked the plank.
Any who, without further ado, here are seven things that America loves and I just don't get it. (These items aren't ranked in any order.)
1. New York City. I don't like New York City, never have liked New York City. It's really four cities and a Jersey suburb crammed on an island, but for some reason it's constantly romanticised. Its bright lights and Manhattan shopping make young women dream of being a Carrie Bradshaw, who although doesn't make much money as a columnist, somehow she can afford to live in the City, buy high-priced shoes, eat out every night, and drink at bars like no tomorrow. Is it any coincidence that by the end of it, she needed to marry Big because, hello, the bitch was in debt! Take a show like Friends and it's just six people that you'd never really want to hang with, who all live in some of the most expansive NYC apartments I've ever seen, and one of them worked at a coffee shop forever. This constant notion of urban glamour causes plenty of Midwesterners and small town folk to flock to NYC only to find out they cannot afford it and will probably never live in Manhattan and will be stuck in a studio at the edge of the Bronx, spending 1200 bucks on rent alone and eating bologna and cereal (Theo Huxtable reference). Okay, so what? They have big floppy slices of pizza. They also have $10 cigarettes. And I don't even smoke, but jesus, that's a lot. And sure, they are the centre of business in the USA. But, really, how many of us are graduating from Vassar and Wharton and looking to break in big with a Fortune 100? New York is a crock, it's densely populated, it's cold, the people are assholes for the most part, and they all think the sun doesn't rise until the first rays are felt on the Chrysler Building.
2. The Kardashian Sisters. These three Witches of Eastwick make me sick. Why are any of these whores famous? I didn't know all you had to do was fuck a D-List R&B singer on tape and leak it to the public and you'd become famous. And for all the talk of she's so fine, she's got a big ass, she's curvy when speaking of Kim, I can only say either the people who think this are white or uphold the Eurocentric view of beauty. For her to be curvy and shit, you must think size 3 is average. For her ass to be big, you've never taken a walk through Carol City or Anacostia or hell, Bed-Stuy in the aforementioned shit-hole NYC. As for the other ones, Kunt and Khewbacca, it's even more amazing that they're famous because their sister fucked a minor music star. And to have clothing stores, lingerie, perfumes, music singles, television shows, like seriously America. Do you really wonder why somewhere in Central Asia and the Middle East, there's a young man out there ready to blow us the fuck up? Are we really so displeased with our own lives that we'd tune in to see three ugly whores, their attention-starved mother, their washed-up stepfather and whomever the hell else, run up credit card bills buying highly unnecessary shit and marrying athletes only to divorce them an episode later? Oh and please, don't give me stick about the Eurocentrism bit because they're coloured of some sort. When the mother is both Dutch and British of some kind, and the father's lineage comes from Eurasia, I see Europe, Europe, and Europe.
3. Twilight. I don't know shit about it other than there's vampires, werewolves, pasty white kids, and a whole lot of Lemmings going in droves to see this shit. And if you read the books too, you should be exiled to Elba. (Napoleon reference.)
4. The NFL. I'm a sports fan. I spend most of my time watching sports when the television is on. I enjoy the NFL. I frequently watch Raiders games and Dolphins games, however I don't dedicate my Sundays to it. I almost never watch the Thursday or Monday night games. And only occasionally, will I tune into the Sunday night game, but chances are it's never a full game but minutes watched at a time. There is way too much coverage, time, and emphasis spent on the NFL. ESPN, the worst network on television, has NFL Live every day, NFL 32, plus Sportscenter, Around the Horn, PTI, DLHQ, Cold Pizza or whatever it's called now, all these shows are heavy on NFL talk. NFL Network, self-explanatory. You can't even watch your weekly college football game without them talking about who can and cannot transition to the next level. Personally, it's too fucking much. I was hoping the lockout would last a season. Again, I do enjoy the NFL, but when is enough too much?? There's still NHL, soccer all over the world, NBA is back, MLB hot stove talk, but no, we have to know what Tom Brady had for lunch and discuss if the Colts could ever cut Peyton Manning. And yet still lost in all of this NFL saturation is we seem to talk about the same six teams every day and the same few players. You never get to see a piece on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the St. Louis Rams. But you'll know everything you need to know about either the Jets or Giants and New England. Enough is enough.
5. Mobile Phones. This one, this is personal. It was different when they were just phones, and even somewhat acceptable when you could send a short text. But now, they're full blown televisions, computers, and probably all have apps to have virtual sex. I watch my wife have long conversations just through text. It's like, hello, you're using the phone to have such a detailed conversation. How about just call the person? But that's too easy. I've been without a mobile for about a year. I can't say I miss it. But even still when I had it, it wasn't a need. I used it more to say I'm around the corner or You busy? than anything of insignificance. I didn't have a super duper phone nor did I use it to play music, purchase movie tickets, or fuck. And what really pisses me off is this. I dare you to go for a walk along a busy street in your neighbourhood and find an intersection and observe for just 10 minutes. See how many people are chatting or texting on the phone and then think about how much you use and require your phone.
6. Chain Restaurants. It's shit food, cooked with no passion or care, with shit frozen ingredients, and you can get the same plate in Miami as you can get in Milwaukee. That's a problem, don't you think? Besides, the places all look the same, there's no charm, no level of comfort. And you could easily cook a better tasting meal, with better ingredients, and better for your body. Besides, Olive Garden is nothing like anything I've seen my family cook. And there are no chimichangas in Mexico.
7. Tyler Perry. If you've never seen a minstrel show, please, go pick up anything this man has done and enjoy.
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