I was on the treadmill today, as I often am, and a song came on my playlist. I love this song, it's still one of the best songs ever recorded. However, it's a sample! The best part, everyone knows the sampled song and pretty much loves it, and yet everyone loves the song featuring the sample! This all led me to today's list: the ten best songs to feature a well-known sample, but when you hear the original song, you instinctively think of the newer song regardless. I know, that sounds like a handful. So to demonstrate, let me get into my honourable mentions and maybe then you'll get the hang of it.
Honourable Mentions:
13) Frayser Boy, "Glock In My Draws". I know. You have no idea who Frayser Boy is, and you probably wish I'd stop mentioning him. But fuck you. He's my favourite. DJ Paul and Juicy J laid down the beat for this gem, using a sample they've used before. If you know Robert Stack, you envision him wearing a trenchcoat, standing in a dark street, that's remarkably foggy and eerie. That's right, the super-producers utilised the theme from Unsolved Mysteries! Triple 6 made their money off the gloom and doom sound, so the sample makes a ton of sense. Plus, Frayser Boy kilt that shit.
12) Sugar Hill Gang, "Rappers Delight". The "first" hip-hop track made excellent use of a disco hit, "Good Times" from Chic. I love both songs, but even now, if I hear Chic, I start rapping Sugar Hill.
11) NWA, "Express Yourself". Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band made a hell of a track with Express Yourself. However, NWA took that and made it a fucking legendary classic. I dare you to listen to the original and not hear NWA. Dare you. No, go try it. See what I mean?
So now that you get the idea, let's go ahead and get through these 10 best songs to feature a well known sample, yet when you hear the original song you think of the newer song. (That's a mouthful.)
10) Wiz Khalifa, "The Kid Frankie". I'm an 80s baby but I was also an 80s kid, so fortunately, I listened to a lot of music growing up, thanks mom and dad. Loose Ends, a UK rhythm and blues group, hit the charts in 1985 with their hit "Hanging on a String (Contemplation)" and I've always loved that song. Fast forward 25 years, and Kush and OJ would take this great song and totally turn it into an even better track. That's right, before Wiz traded in respect for fame, he made "The Kid Frankie" and straight scorched it. Both songs are great, but "The Kid Frankie" has far surpassed the original. Too bad he went on to make Rolling Papers.
9) Kanye West, "Through the Wire". Chaka Khan is a diva, and we all can agree on that. She has many a good to great song in her long catalogue, but it's 1984's "Through the Fire", from her album "I Feel For You" that is necessary for this list. The year is 2003, and Kanye West goes from producer to artist with his breakout single, "Through the Wire" which relies heavily on the sped-up chorus from Chaka Khan. The story of surviving a car accident, a shattered jaw, and eating through a straw made West a household name and soon thereafter, he'd be even bigger than Jesus. And he owes it all to Chaka Khan, but let's be real, "Through the Wire" is totally better than "Through the Fire".
8) Coolio, "Fantastic Voyage". Same beat, same title, same hook basically. Before Coolio would do a similar effort with "Gangsta's Paradise", he was riding along on a Fantastic Voyage with Lakeside. Now, Lakeside has a hella funky ass hit with the original, but let's be honest, Coolio and producer Brian Dobbs made a smash with the hip-hop version. It's just infectious and makes you wanna party, or maybe eat some steak with your beans and rice. Hopefully you won't have to fear any drive-bys while your kids play outside.
7) Ice Cube, "It Was a Good Day". Ironic how a song about a good day would be based on a sample of "Footsteps in the Dark", isn't it? No one would ever think hearing footsteps in the dark could be a good thing, but when DJ Pooh took the Isley Brothers' soulful classic and looped it for Cube to spit about the Lakers beating the Supersonics (yeah, no Oklahoma City Thunder yet, kiddies), they made a masterpiece treasured by hip-hop and rap fans everywhere. If your mama cooked breakfast with no hog or you were breakin' cats with the sevens and elevens, and hell you didn't have to use your AK, this is the song for you. And if you're over 40, fine, go back and romance your better half with the original but to my generation, this will always be Ice Cube.
T-5) Eric B. and Rakim, "Paid in Full"; Junior MAFIA feat. Notorious BIG, "Get Money [RMX]". Two great songs, same great sample. When Dennis Edwards and Siedah Garrett laid down the vocals to 1984's "Don't Look Any Further", they had a great song. I heard it many times as a wee lad and still love it to this day. It's a really strong song on its own, but three years later, Eric B. and Rakim straight murked the beat with hot vocals and master mixing and scratching. Paid in Full as an album is in my top 10, and the title track, I contend is one of the best in hip-hop and rap history. 1996, DJ Enuff takes the track, keeps it a little more true to its original form, and let's Biggie and his proteges go ahead and wreck the shit with tales of blowing money on ballerrific shit, and BIG's chorus is so memorable. Both sampled tracks totally outshine the original. I also could have added 2Pac's "Hit 'Em Up" to this list too, but I don't think it's as strong of a cut if not for all the insults and disses.
4) Ma$e, "Feel So Good". Ready, reader? Party people, in the place to be, it's about that time to...AHH! That's right, by the time you hear the initial horns for Kool and the Gang's "Hollywood Swingin", you're probably already thinking about that first line screamed out by Puffy and ready to rock shiny suits. And I can't blame you. The 70s dance hit from Kool is awesome, but Ma$e and D-Dot totally turned the track on its head with this effort. In fact, the sample of "Hollywood Swingin'" is so heavy, most people ignore or don't even know that the Miami Sound Machine's "Bad Boy" is also sampled!
3) Trick Daddy Dollars, "Take It to 'da House". This isn't my south Florida bias nor is it my unconditional love for all things T-double-D, but goddamn, this song is still hot. I can come to your house right now, go to your stereo, play this song, and you'll be ready to put on your boogie shoes! KC and the Sunshine Band's disco hit, "Boogie Shoes" is good and very well known, but when given to the Righteous Funk Boogie, those horns become massive and even more catchy. I'm callin' my people all across the world, this song goes out to all you boys and girls. Go play it right now, dammit. For all the talk of Ross, Pitbull, whatever, the city still belongs to Trick Daddy.
2) Notorious B.I.G., "Big Poppa". Aw yeah. This is a bad motherfucker here. A smooth sample from the Isley Brothers' "Between the Sheets" and good vocals from an overweight tenor about all of his bitches and hoes just goes together like dick and pussy. When I thought of this list, this was the second song I thought of and you can see why it's so high on the list. The original song is so well-known, and it's quite good, but that said, put Biggie Smalls on top of it and you get the song that really launched Big into a new stratosphere. It's a great song, it is, but there's one song it can't touch...
1) MC Hammer, "U Can't Touch This". I found out what sampling was because of this track. The best song to ever come out of the Bay Area from the best and biggest artist to come out of the Bay Area. All rappers have to pay respect to Hammer. All entertainers, all dancers, everyone has to pay respect to Hammer and the mega-superstardom he attained when releasing 1990's biggest hit single. And, oh nothing, he also produced the track. Rick James' "Superfreak" is a fucking FANTASTIC song, probably the most well known out of all these sampled songs. People across all kinds of demographics know "Superfreak" and can sing a little bit of it, and probably like it. And yet that doesn't even begin to touch the tip of the iceberg of the amount of people who know, love, and can sing a bit of "U Can't Touch This". Go ahead, fake on Hammer. Say that shit is wack today, or that he's a punchline nowadays. Fuck you. This is still one of the best songs in rap and hip-hop, it's hella entertaining, it's incredibly hype, and you know damn well if "Superfreak" came on in your car, you'd think it was Hammer first and get a little upset. Bow down to the greatest song in rap and hip-hop to feature a well-known sample and totally surpass it. MC Hammer, you bitches. Here, I'll even post the link so you can watch this motherfucker put on a show!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=otCpCn0l4Wo
There ya go. Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, happy Saturnalia, happy Winter Solstice, whatever else.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
2.4 -- Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
The following list is one we’re all familiar with because we’ve all fielded it. Whether at a dinner party, saddled up alongside a bar with your mates, or just hanging on the couch with others, you’ve been asked with which people you would like to have over for dinner. It’s inevitable. If you’ve never had this question, then I guess either you had shit teachers or your friends suck.
I created the following guidelines for myself: people could be alive or dead; your average table is four-sided with four chairs, so assuming one chair is for myself, only three others could attend; they had to be actual people, no fictional characters allowed. That’s it. Simple, innit?
Without further ado, my three dinner guests.
1) Subcomandante Marcos. I find this man highly intriguing. No one knows his identity. His face is always covered with a ski mask of sorts. He’s often on horseback or delivering a speech, and you will always see him with his trusted pipe. Subcomandante Marcos admits he came from a middle class family, the son of two educators, but later in life he became a revolutionary figure in Chiapas (the southernmost Mexican state). Following the Tlateloco massacre, Marcos adopted Marxism and relocated to Chiapas to organise the locals in revolution against the wealthy and the federal government. It took some time before the people signed on, but once they did, they formed the Ejercito Zapatista de Liberacion Nacional (Zapatista Army of National Liberation). They fight the good fight for the impoverished and the indigenous of Mexico, but they do it without violence and through education and demanding rights and justice. The man has 21 published books and hundreds of essays decreeing his personal beliefs and political theories. I’ve read a few and the brother is heavy. Definitely not light reading. Plus, Marcos has even written a book for children, centred on the creation legend of the Maya. I could give you many a reason to love Subcomandante Marcos, but I’m going to leave you with this one: his reason for always hiding his face in a plain black mask is to serve as a mirror for all oppressed and forgotten people.
2) Patrice Lumumba. First elected prime minister of Republic of Congo, and less than three months later thrown out in a coup. Following his ousting, he was locked up and then executed by firing squad. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that the USA played its part in that execution. Good ole USA intervention. He came of age in Congo during Belgian rule, attended parochial schools, and made good marks. He had all the qualities of becoming a good negro but eventually he looked around his nation, formed a political movement and changed his outlook during a pan-African conference where he came in contact with Kwame Nkrumah, former president of Ghana. During some time in prison for rioting, his National Congolese Movement won election and its delegates raised enough hell to get Lumumba out, allowing him to attend the Brussels conference. The result of the conference ended with Congo getting its own declaration of independence and establishing another election. Lumumba’s party won yet again and he became the first prime minister of Congo. Not to be outdone by King Baudouin of Belgium, who threw a celebratory get-together for the press and his people, Lumumba spoke to his Congolese constituency and declared that his people were no longer Belgium’s monkeys. Of course, this met the ire of the western world. Fast forward, Patrice Lumumba decided to up all government employees pay…but not the military. (You can see where this is going, right?) Series of small rebellions sweep through Congo, sending white people fleeing back to Europe. Katanga province seceded from Congo, and this was all that Belgium needed to see before deciding to get back in the game for control of Congo and its resources. Eventually, Lumumba was arrested and promptly executed. We’d later find out that his pan-African ways were not in line with what Belgium and the USA wanted, so it’s not surprising to find out both countries aided in his assassination. Even Dwight Eisenhower demanded Lumumba’s death. Anyway, although guys like Garvey and Nkrumah get all the limelight in the pan-Africa discussion, Patrice Lumumba was right there with them. He could have become Africa’s Simon Bolivar, leading the charge to rid the continent of colonial forces and imperialism. If you need to know why this man is so important, it’s simple. Malcolm X called him the greatest black man who ever walked the African continent. A few short years after his murder, Ernesto Guevara, with the help of Fidel Castro, attempted to help Congo in their fight for liberation. Ultimately, it was unsuccessful.
3) Camilo Cienfuegos. First thing I must say, I've already lived longer than Camilo. That's astonishing in itself. He's on my list, definite dinner guest, and the man died at 27. (But then again, Lumumba died at 35.) The early life isn't so important with him, outside of one thing--he grew up under two anarchist parents who emigrated to Cuba from Spain just before the civil war. Camilo discovered his political side when he became involved with underground student movements against then president Fulgencio Batista. After some kerfuffles in Havana, he moved to New York City before being kicked out after his paperwork expired. He then found himself in Mexico, and it would be here where he'd meet Fidel Castro and would set sail to Cuba on the Granma to start the revolution. He would be come a key figure in the Cuban rebel army and a right-hand-man of sorts to both Castros and Che Guevara. It was Cienfuegos' column that defeated the Cuban army in Yaguajay, leading to a surrender of the garrison there. On this same day, Guevara led another column that also won its battle, both leading to an end of the revolution and victory for the guerrillas. Post revolution, Castro placed Cienfuegos in high command over the new Cuban army and in charge of numerous activities, including squashing all anti-Fidel movements. So yes, I'm quite sure he's killed innocent people; paranoia and power can be a deadly combination, but the man was highly loyal to the revolution and its principles. The circumstances around his death are murky, and some even suggest Fidel put a hit out on Camilo Cienfuegos but most historians dispute this. Camilo was such a figure in the history of the new Cuba that Che named his son Camilo. To this day, his life is honoured every 28th of October, where Cubans throw flowers into the sea, commemorating his death which took place (?) on water. (Remember, I told you the circumstances around his death are murky.)
So there you have it. My three dinner guests. If it's not apparent to you already, I'm a Marxist, I believe that the way to fix the western world is through armed struggle, I stand for any and all oppressed people, be they African, Latin, indigenous, female, whatever. The common bond is these three people were all about revolution, be it peaceful like Marcos or wrought with war like Cienfuegos or in the middle like Lumumba. All three envision a world where the ignored take a stand and change their surroundings for the better. To be able to sit down with three titans of liberation would be a mind orgasm. The fact that all three are to the extreme left or at least far left (Lumumba can't quite be nailed down on the spectrum), that's a bonus. I mean I guess Ben Franklin is a revolutionary too, but to me that's like saying Elvis is rock and roll.
Feel free to tell me who would be your dinner guests. My ears are open.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
2.3 -- Ten Favourite Pro Athletes of My Lifetime.
And the lists just keep a-comin'. I'm not sure what the catalyst for this list was, but nonetheless, it's here. I'm a guy who loves sports, and quite often, my favourite players play for my teams and are rarely the stars. It's too easy to like the stars. Why like Brett Favre when you can like Mike Chmura? (Grew up a Packers fan, even still have a Chewy Starting Lineup figure.) Some of my faves though are Hall of Fame players or big time names in their sports, but hey, shit happens.
Alright, enough prologue, let's get into it. Honourable mentions: Bimbo Coles, Dan Majerle during time with Miami Heat; Carlos Valderrama; Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison (my favourite Marlins currently, and quickly becoming favourite players; Salvador Cabañas (Miss you, Chava).
10-tie) Marco Etcheverry and Jaime Moreno; DC United. Etcheverry was the talisman for the early years of DCU, controlling the midfield and winning three MLS Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, an MLS MVP, and was named to MLS All-Time XI. El Diablo played 190 games for the club and scored only 34 goals, but his services led to many more. Etcheverry's fellow countryman, Jaime Moreno, played in over 300 games between two stints with DCU winning four MLS Cups, two US Open Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, and was named to MLS Best XI five times. Moreno was also the first in MLS history to score 100 goals and have 100 assists in his career. He retired having scored the most goals in MLS history. If you want to know why DCU are big on tradition, why Barra Brava have a strong presence, and why we expect more out of the club, look no farther than these two Bolivians.
8. Olaf Kolzig; Washington Capitals. I've always loved hockey, but it wasn't until I moved to DC and would go to games a lot and really pay attention to how the game is played. I had favourite players prior to Olie the Goalie, but he was the first one I'd go to see live and would scream his name from the nosebleeds. Fourteen years in the District, a Stanley Cup finals appearance, a Vezina trophy in 2000, two-time all-star, and owning most of the career and single season Caps goaltending records makes Olie still a favourite to me, and many DC hockey fans. Plus, the guy has done tons of work in the DC community and works hard raising awareness for autism and autism research. He's truly a class act.
7. Tie Domi; Toronto Maple Leafs. This guy will always be my favourite enforcer and the only hockey player I loved who never played for my team. He threw a cheap shot at Ulf Samuelsson, he squirted water at a heckling fan and then proceeded to scare the shit out of him when the fan fell into the penalty box (classic video highlight), and knocked Scott Niedermayer unconscious. He beat Tiger Williams' record of penalty minutes in a season, played 1000 games, and still managed to score 100 goals. Go back and watch the playoff series in the early 00s between the Leafs and Isles, and you'll see vintage Domi. And any game between the Flyers and Leafs, you knew Domi was guaranteed a fight. God, I love this guy.
6. Dan Marino; Miami Dolphins. Long before I ever moved to South Florida, I watched a lot of Phins games. Can't explain nor understand why either. However, Danny was always my favourite NFL quarterback. He's a Pittsburgh native, as I am, too bad he went to Pitt and not WVU though; he has Italian heritage, as does my family; all that stuff helped. But way before the rules changed and allowed Brees and Rodgers to throw and throw and throw and throw, Marino was doing it at a time where you could crush the quarterback and manhandle the receivers. The all-time leader in passing yards in a season, Marino saw a bunch of records fall to Brett Favre, but now, even the single season passing yards record looks threatened this year. The most endearing thing about Danny was that he never won a Super Bowl. That really makes me like him and defend him even more. Forget Wilt Chamberlain, Marino is the best #13 ever.
5. Dale Earnhardt. I was never a fan of the Intimidator, but I ate up the mystique and legend surrounding him. The worst thing you could ever see in your rear view mirror on the final lap was that black #3. You knew Dale was gonna tap you and pass you. That aggressive attitude is how he won seven Winston Cup titles and 76 races. Some of my favourite memories of Dale include when he rattled Terry Labonte's cage at Bristol '95, the long line of crew members who congratulated him on his first and only Daytona 500 win in 1998, his win over Bobby Labonte in 2000 at Atlanta by thousandths of a second, and the No Bull win at Talladega where he gained some 15 or so positions in the last five laps. I can still remember where I was when I found out that Dale died at Daytona. It's still video I hate to see as I'm guaranteed to cry to this day 10 years later. Since his death, I became a fan of the man who would take over his car at RCR. Jeff Gordon is probably the best driver ever, King Petty is still right there, and Jimmie Johnson will probably get there one day, but for me, Dale is my favourite driver.
4. Cuauhtemoc Blanco; Club America and Mexico national football team. My personal favourite footballer ever, only if we can exclude his time at Chicago Fire. Over 300 appearances for America, 121 caps for El Tri, and a ton of goals scored, Blanco is the man. You know you're doing something right when people either love you or hate you, and this is definitely true for Temo. His crowning moment to me will be the 10th star he won at America, helping defeat Tecos. His celebration is still the best in the game, genuflecting on bended knee and striking the pose of the Archer. And who can forget the Cuauhtemiña?! Easiest trick ever, but it's still pretty fucking cool. Two Gold Cups, a Confederations Cup, a Champions Cup, four Primera Division MVPs, Blanco is like Mexican footballing Jesus. And he hates Chivas.
3. Cal Ripken, Jr; Baltimore Orioles. I grew up in Baltimore, I watched every Orioles game, the man is god. I don't have to justify this one. It's Cal fuckin' Ripken.
2. Mario Lemieux; Pittsburgh Penguins. Much like Cal Ripken, this needs to explanation. Born in Pittsburgh, and started with Pens hockey, so Le Magnifique is still the best ever to lace up. Fuck Gretzky. If Lemieux didn't have so many injuries from being such a power forward, their numbers would be much closer. But we saw Gretzky as a coach, Lemieux as owner trumps so much Gretzky has done and could ever do if you ask me. 66 > 99.
1. Dennis Rodman; San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, LA Lakers, Dallas Mavericks. You can tell by my list, I'm no NBA fan. I watched it often as a child, but it's never been a favourite sport of mine. Somehow, the Worm is still tops of all athletes when it comes to me. I read all of his books, I watched his reality show on MTV, I still have his Oprah interview on VHS. I have four Rodman jerseys in my closet right now. I didn't know him as a Piston, but since his days with the Spurs, I took note and followed him everywhere. When I would play on the blacktop, my friends would always pick me first or second because they knew I'd fight for rebounds, didn't care about scoring much, and would throw an elbow if I had to. I modeled my whole style after Rodman. People go on and on about Jordan and Pippen, but go watch the last three-peat of the Bulls and see how much dirty work Rodman did. Go back to the Pistons titles and see what a young Dennis Rodman was doing. There will never be a better inch-for-inch, pound-for-pound rebounder in the NBA now or ever than Dennis Rodman. It was so hard rooting for him and the Bulls too being a Heat fan back then, but I did it for my dog. And to back up all of his work on the court, he had such a personality to capture attention. Plus, the man shagged a lot of top-notch pussy too. His stories of generosity to homeless people and those in need loom large, but are often overlooked. Other kids wanted to be Jordan or Magic, I always wanted to be the Worm. No coincidence since his retirement, NBA has meant very little to me.
Alright, enough prologue, let's get into it. Honourable mentions: Bimbo Coles, Dan Majerle during time with Miami Heat; Carlos Valderrama; Mike Stanton and Logan Morrison (my favourite Marlins currently, and quickly becoming favourite players; Salvador Cabañas (Miss you, Chava).
10-tie) Marco Etcheverry and Jaime Moreno; DC United. Etcheverry was the talisman for the early years of DCU, controlling the midfield and winning three MLS Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, an MLS MVP, and was named to MLS All-Time XI. El Diablo played 190 games for the club and scored only 34 goals, but his services led to many more. Etcheverry's fellow countryman, Jaime Moreno, played in over 300 games between two stints with DCU winning four MLS Cups, two US Open Cups, a CONCACAF Champions Cup, and was named to MLS Best XI five times. Moreno was also the first in MLS history to score 100 goals and have 100 assists in his career. He retired having scored the most goals in MLS history. If you want to know why DCU are big on tradition, why Barra Brava have a strong presence, and why we expect more out of the club, look no farther than these two Bolivians.
8. Olaf Kolzig; Washington Capitals. I've always loved hockey, but it wasn't until I moved to DC and would go to games a lot and really pay attention to how the game is played. I had favourite players prior to Olie the Goalie, but he was the first one I'd go to see live and would scream his name from the nosebleeds. Fourteen years in the District, a Stanley Cup finals appearance, a Vezina trophy in 2000, two-time all-star, and owning most of the career and single season Caps goaltending records makes Olie still a favourite to me, and many DC hockey fans. Plus, the guy has done tons of work in the DC community and works hard raising awareness for autism and autism research. He's truly a class act.
7. Tie Domi; Toronto Maple Leafs. This guy will always be my favourite enforcer and the only hockey player I loved who never played for my team. He threw a cheap shot at Ulf Samuelsson, he squirted water at a heckling fan and then proceeded to scare the shit out of him when the fan fell into the penalty box (classic video highlight), and knocked Scott Niedermayer unconscious. He beat Tiger Williams' record of penalty minutes in a season, played 1000 games, and still managed to score 100 goals. Go back and watch the playoff series in the early 00s between the Leafs and Isles, and you'll see vintage Domi. And any game between the Flyers and Leafs, you knew Domi was guaranteed a fight. God, I love this guy.
6. Dan Marino; Miami Dolphins. Long before I ever moved to South Florida, I watched a lot of Phins games. Can't explain nor understand why either. However, Danny was always my favourite NFL quarterback. He's a Pittsburgh native, as I am, too bad he went to Pitt and not WVU though; he has Italian heritage, as does my family; all that stuff helped. But way before the rules changed and allowed Brees and Rodgers to throw and throw and throw and throw, Marino was doing it at a time where you could crush the quarterback and manhandle the receivers. The all-time leader in passing yards in a season, Marino saw a bunch of records fall to Brett Favre, but now, even the single season passing yards record looks threatened this year. The most endearing thing about Danny was that he never won a Super Bowl. That really makes me like him and defend him even more. Forget Wilt Chamberlain, Marino is the best #13 ever.
5. Dale Earnhardt. I was never a fan of the Intimidator, but I ate up the mystique and legend surrounding him. The worst thing you could ever see in your rear view mirror on the final lap was that black #3. You knew Dale was gonna tap you and pass you. That aggressive attitude is how he won seven Winston Cup titles and 76 races. Some of my favourite memories of Dale include when he rattled Terry Labonte's cage at Bristol '95, the long line of crew members who congratulated him on his first and only Daytona 500 win in 1998, his win over Bobby Labonte in 2000 at Atlanta by thousandths of a second, and the No Bull win at Talladega where he gained some 15 or so positions in the last five laps. I can still remember where I was when I found out that Dale died at Daytona. It's still video I hate to see as I'm guaranteed to cry to this day 10 years later. Since his death, I became a fan of the man who would take over his car at RCR. Jeff Gordon is probably the best driver ever, King Petty is still right there, and Jimmie Johnson will probably get there one day, but for me, Dale is my favourite driver.
4. Cuauhtemoc Blanco; Club America and Mexico national football team. My personal favourite footballer ever, only if we can exclude his time at Chicago Fire. Over 300 appearances for America, 121 caps for El Tri, and a ton of goals scored, Blanco is the man. You know you're doing something right when people either love you or hate you, and this is definitely true for Temo. His crowning moment to me will be the 10th star he won at America, helping defeat Tecos. His celebration is still the best in the game, genuflecting on bended knee and striking the pose of the Archer. And who can forget the Cuauhtemiña?! Easiest trick ever, but it's still pretty fucking cool. Two Gold Cups, a Confederations Cup, a Champions Cup, four Primera Division MVPs, Blanco is like Mexican footballing Jesus. And he hates Chivas.
3. Cal Ripken, Jr; Baltimore Orioles. I grew up in Baltimore, I watched every Orioles game, the man is god. I don't have to justify this one. It's Cal fuckin' Ripken.
2. Mario Lemieux; Pittsburgh Penguins. Much like Cal Ripken, this needs to explanation. Born in Pittsburgh, and started with Pens hockey, so Le Magnifique is still the best ever to lace up. Fuck Gretzky. If Lemieux didn't have so many injuries from being such a power forward, their numbers would be much closer. But we saw Gretzky as a coach, Lemieux as owner trumps so much Gretzky has done and could ever do if you ask me. 66 > 99.
1. Dennis Rodman; San Antonio Spurs, Chicago Bulls, LA Lakers, Dallas Mavericks. You can tell by my list, I'm no NBA fan. I watched it often as a child, but it's never been a favourite sport of mine. Somehow, the Worm is still tops of all athletes when it comes to me. I read all of his books, I watched his reality show on MTV, I still have his Oprah interview on VHS. I have four Rodman jerseys in my closet right now. I didn't know him as a Piston, but since his days with the Spurs, I took note and followed him everywhere. When I would play on the blacktop, my friends would always pick me first or second because they knew I'd fight for rebounds, didn't care about scoring much, and would throw an elbow if I had to. I modeled my whole style after Rodman. People go on and on about Jordan and Pippen, but go watch the last three-peat of the Bulls and see how much dirty work Rodman did. Go back to the Pistons titles and see what a young Dennis Rodman was doing. There will never be a better inch-for-inch, pound-for-pound rebounder in the NBA now or ever than Dennis Rodman. It was so hard rooting for him and the Bulls too being a Heat fan back then, but I did it for my dog. And to back up all of his work on the court, he had such a personality to capture attention. Plus, the man shagged a lot of top-notch pussy too. His stories of generosity to homeless people and those in need loom large, but are often overlooked. Other kids wanted to be Jordan or Magic, I always wanted to be the Worm. No coincidence since his retirement, NBA has meant very little to me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
2.2 -- Don't Believe the Hype: Seven Very Popular Things I Just Don't Understand.
I told you season two would be all lists. Don't worry, this season is only 12 episodes, so bear with me. Anyway, last week, we went through the 10 best albums in hip-hop and rap according to me. Interestingly enough, this week's episode kinda spun off last week's.
I was surfing theGrio.com and came across what they ranked as the top 10 albums in rap and R&B for 2011 and I saw one artist that I just don't get all the fuss. I see him being hyped up, tweeted out as the torch bearer of today's hip-hop, and see people that I would never call a hip-hop head nor rap fan quoting him. So kudos, J Cole, your high level of popularity is the driving force behind this entry.
It's not that I'm saying the guy isn't decent. He's alright. I enjoyed some of his mixtape work enough, but his studio album. Meh. You can have it back. To me, he's gone the way of Big Sean and Wiz Khalifa, although he's not nearly as bad. He has a chance to come back strong still; to me, the other two have walked the plank.
Any who, without further ado, here are seven things that America loves and I just don't get it. (These items aren't ranked in any order.)
1. New York City. I don't like New York City, never have liked New York City. It's really four cities and a Jersey suburb crammed on an island, but for some reason it's constantly romanticised. Its bright lights and Manhattan shopping make young women dream of being a Carrie Bradshaw, who although doesn't make much money as a columnist, somehow she can afford to live in the City, buy high-priced shoes, eat out every night, and drink at bars like no tomorrow. Is it any coincidence that by the end of it, she needed to marry Big because, hello, the bitch was in debt! Take a show like Friends and it's just six people that you'd never really want to hang with, who all live in some of the most expansive NYC apartments I've ever seen, and one of them worked at a coffee shop forever. This constant notion of urban glamour causes plenty of Midwesterners and small town folk to flock to NYC only to find out they cannot afford it and will probably never live in Manhattan and will be stuck in a studio at the edge of the Bronx, spending 1200 bucks on rent alone and eating bologna and cereal (Theo Huxtable reference). Okay, so what? They have big floppy slices of pizza. They also have $10 cigarettes. And I don't even smoke, but jesus, that's a lot. And sure, they are the centre of business in the USA. But, really, how many of us are graduating from Vassar and Wharton and looking to break in big with a Fortune 100? New York is a crock, it's densely populated, it's cold, the people are assholes for the most part, and they all think the sun doesn't rise until the first rays are felt on the Chrysler Building.
2. The Kardashian Sisters. These three Witches of Eastwick make me sick. Why are any of these whores famous? I didn't know all you had to do was fuck a D-List R&B singer on tape and leak it to the public and you'd become famous. And for all the talk of she's so fine, she's got a big ass, she's curvy when speaking of Kim, I can only say either the people who think this are white or uphold the Eurocentric view of beauty. For her to be curvy and shit, you must think size 3 is average. For her ass to be big, you've never taken a walk through Carol City or Anacostia or hell, Bed-Stuy in the aforementioned shit-hole NYC. As for the other ones, Kunt and Khewbacca, it's even more amazing that they're famous because their sister fucked a minor music star. And to have clothing stores, lingerie, perfumes, music singles, television shows, like seriously America. Do you really wonder why somewhere in Central Asia and the Middle East, there's a young man out there ready to blow us the fuck up? Are we really so displeased with our own lives that we'd tune in to see three ugly whores, their attention-starved mother, their washed-up stepfather and whomever the hell else, run up credit card bills buying highly unnecessary shit and marrying athletes only to divorce them an episode later? Oh and please, don't give me stick about the Eurocentrism bit because they're coloured of some sort. When the mother is both Dutch and British of some kind, and the father's lineage comes from Eurasia, I see Europe, Europe, and Europe.
3. Twilight. I don't know shit about it other than there's vampires, werewolves, pasty white kids, and a whole lot of Lemmings going in droves to see this shit. And if you read the books too, you should be exiled to Elba. (Napoleon reference.)
4. The NFL. I'm a sports fan. I spend most of my time watching sports when the television is on. I enjoy the NFL. I frequently watch Raiders games and Dolphins games, however I don't dedicate my Sundays to it. I almost never watch the Thursday or Monday night games. And only occasionally, will I tune into the Sunday night game, but chances are it's never a full game but minutes watched at a time. There is way too much coverage, time, and emphasis spent on the NFL. ESPN, the worst network on television, has NFL Live every day, NFL 32, plus Sportscenter, Around the Horn, PTI, DLHQ, Cold Pizza or whatever it's called now, all these shows are heavy on NFL talk. NFL Network, self-explanatory. You can't even watch your weekly college football game without them talking about who can and cannot transition to the next level. Personally, it's too fucking much. I was hoping the lockout would last a season. Again, I do enjoy the NFL, but when is enough too much?? There's still NHL, soccer all over the world, NBA is back, MLB hot stove talk, but no, we have to know what Tom Brady had for lunch and discuss if the Colts could ever cut Peyton Manning. And yet still lost in all of this NFL saturation is we seem to talk about the same six teams every day and the same few players. You never get to see a piece on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the St. Louis Rams. But you'll know everything you need to know about either the Jets or Giants and New England. Enough is enough.
5. Mobile Phones. This one, this is personal. It was different when they were just phones, and even somewhat acceptable when you could send a short text. But now, they're full blown televisions, computers, and probably all have apps to have virtual sex. I watch my wife have long conversations just through text. It's like, hello, you're using the phone to have such a detailed conversation. How about just call the person? But that's too easy. I've been without a mobile for about a year. I can't say I miss it. But even still when I had it, it wasn't a need. I used it more to say I'm around the corner or You busy? than anything of insignificance. I didn't have a super duper phone nor did I use it to play music, purchase movie tickets, or fuck. And what really pisses me off is this. I dare you to go for a walk along a busy street in your neighbourhood and find an intersection and observe for just 10 minutes. See how many people are chatting or texting on the phone and then think about how much you use and require your phone.
6. Chain Restaurants. It's shit food, cooked with no passion or care, with shit frozen ingredients, and you can get the same plate in Miami as you can get in Milwaukee. That's a problem, don't you think? Besides, the places all look the same, there's no charm, no level of comfort. And you could easily cook a better tasting meal, with better ingredients, and better for your body. Besides, Olive Garden is nothing like anything I've seen my family cook. And there are no chimichangas in Mexico.
7. Tyler Perry. If you've never seen a minstrel show, please, go pick up anything this man has done and enjoy.
I was surfing theGrio.com and came across what they ranked as the top 10 albums in rap and R&B for 2011 and I saw one artist that I just don't get all the fuss. I see him being hyped up, tweeted out as the torch bearer of today's hip-hop, and see people that I would never call a hip-hop head nor rap fan quoting him. So kudos, J Cole, your high level of popularity is the driving force behind this entry.
It's not that I'm saying the guy isn't decent. He's alright. I enjoyed some of his mixtape work enough, but his studio album. Meh. You can have it back. To me, he's gone the way of Big Sean and Wiz Khalifa, although he's not nearly as bad. He has a chance to come back strong still; to me, the other two have walked the plank.
Any who, without further ado, here are seven things that America loves and I just don't get it. (These items aren't ranked in any order.)
1. New York City. I don't like New York City, never have liked New York City. It's really four cities and a Jersey suburb crammed on an island, but for some reason it's constantly romanticised. Its bright lights and Manhattan shopping make young women dream of being a Carrie Bradshaw, who although doesn't make much money as a columnist, somehow she can afford to live in the City, buy high-priced shoes, eat out every night, and drink at bars like no tomorrow. Is it any coincidence that by the end of it, she needed to marry Big because, hello, the bitch was in debt! Take a show like Friends and it's just six people that you'd never really want to hang with, who all live in some of the most expansive NYC apartments I've ever seen, and one of them worked at a coffee shop forever. This constant notion of urban glamour causes plenty of Midwesterners and small town folk to flock to NYC only to find out they cannot afford it and will probably never live in Manhattan and will be stuck in a studio at the edge of the Bronx, spending 1200 bucks on rent alone and eating bologna and cereal (Theo Huxtable reference). Okay, so what? They have big floppy slices of pizza. They also have $10 cigarettes. And I don't even smoke, but jesus, that's a lot. And sure, they are the centre of business in the USA. But, really, how many of us are graduating from Vassar and Wharton and looking to break in big with a Fortune 100? New York is a crock, it's densely populated, it's cold, the people are assholes for the most part, and they all think the sun doesn't rise until the first rays are felt on the Chrysler Building.
2. The Kardashian Sisters. These three Witches of Eastwick make me sick. Why are any of these whores famous? I didn't know all you had to do was fuck a D-List R&B singer on tape and leak it to the public and you'd become famous. And for all the talk of she's so fine, she's got a big ass, she's curvy when speaking of Kim, I can only say either the people who think this are white or uphold the Eurocentric view of beauty. For her to be curvy and shit, you must think size 3 is average. For her ass to be big, you've never taken a walk through Carol City or Anacostia or hell, Bed-Stuy in the aforementioned shit-hole NYC. As for the other ones, Kunt and Khewbacca, it's even more amazing that they're famous because their sister fucked a minor music star. And to have clothing stores, lingerie, perfumes, music singles, television shows, like seriously America. Do you really wonder why somewhere in Central Asia and the Middle East, there's a young man out there ready to blow us the fuck up? Are we really so displeased with our own lives that we'd tune in to see three ugly whores, their attention-starved mother, their washed-up stepfather and whomever the hell else, run up credit card bills buying highly unnecessary shit and marrying athletes only to divorce them an episode later? Oh and please, don't give me stick about the Eurocentrism bit because they're coloured of some sort. When the mother is both Dutch and British of some kind, and the father's lineage comes from Eurasia, I see Europe, Europe, and Europe.
3. Twilight. I don't know shit about it other than there's vampires, werewolves, pasty white kids, and a whole lot of Lemmings going in droves to see this shit. And if you read the books too, you should be exiled to Elba. (Napoleon reference.)
4. The NFL. I'm a sports fan. I spend most of my time watching sports when the television is on. I enjoy the NFL. I frequently watch Raiders games and Dolphins games, however I don't dedicate my Sundays to it. I almost never watch the Thursday or Monday night games. And only occasionally, will I tune into the Sunday night game, but chances are it's never a full game but minutes watched at a time. There is way too much coverage, time, and emphasis spent on the NFL. ESPN, the worst network on television, has NFL Live every day, NFL 32, plus Sportscenter, Around the Horn, PTI, DLHQ, Cold Pizza or whatever it's called now, all these shows are heavy on NFL talk. NFL Network, self-explanatory. You can't even watch your weekly college football game without them talking about who can and cannot transition to the next level. Personally, it's too fucking much. I was hoping the lockout would last a season. Again, I do enjoy the NFL, but when is enough too much?? There's still NHL, soccer all over the world, NBA is back, MLB hot stove talk, but no, we have to know what Tom Brady had for lunch and discuss if the Colts could ever cut Peyton Manning. And yet still lost in all of this NFL saturation is we seem to talk about the same six teams every day and the same few players. You never get to see a piece on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the St. Louis Rams. But you'll know everything you need to know about either the Jets or Giants and New England. Enough is enough.
5. Mobile Phones. This one, this is personal. It was different when they were just phones, and even somewhat acceptable when you could send a short text. But now, they're full blown televisions, computers, and probably all have apps to have virtual sex. I watch my wife have long conversations just through text. It's like, hello, you're using the phone to have such a detailed conversation. How about just call the person? But that's too easy. I've been without a mobile for about a year. I can't say I miss it. But even still when I had it, it wasn't a need. I used it more to say I'm around the corner or You busy? than anything of insignificance. I didn't have a super duper phone nor did I use it to play music, purchase movie tickets, or fuck. And what really pisses me off is this. I dare you to go for a walk along a busy street in your neighbourhood and find an intersection and observe for just 10 minutes. See how many people are chatting or texting on the phone and then think about how much you use and require your phone.
6. Chain Restaurants. It's shit food, cooked with no passion or care, with shit frozen ingredients, and you can get the same plate in Miami as you can get in Milwaukee. That's a problem, don't you think? Besides, the places all look the same, there's no charm, no level of comfort. And you could easily cook a better tasting meal, with better ingredients, and better for your body. Besides, Olive Garden is nothing like anything I've seen my family cook. And there are no chimichangas in Mexico.
7. Tyler Perry. If you've never seen a minstrel show, please, go pick up anything this man has done and enjoy.
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