We're back, motherfuckers. That's right, season two is finally here. I really didn't think this blog would make it past season one, but enough of you bastards seem to like to read my random lists, rants, and rambles so here's a new season. Twelve episode, all lists. That's right, all lists. I'll even take some reader suggestions, so if you have a top five, three, 12, 10, whatever, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
That brings us to the series premiere episode. I love music, all kinds of music: punk, new wave, grime, dubstep, ragga, dancehall, dark house, house, trance, happy hardcore, death metal, indie, go-go, whatever. But probably my favourite is rap and hip-hop. To many out of the scene, people think it's one in the same but it's not. To me, the production, topics, the overall mood of hip-hop is far different than rap. Hip-Hop can make you feel good at the end of a record or album; after a rap record or album, you pretty much want to either fight, fuck, or get high/drunk.
I thought of this list while coming home from the gym and listening to what I think is the greatest album in rap and/or hip-hop ever and immediately thought of about 30 albums, but I knew what would be the top seven. So let's skip the bullshit and get into the list, but first, honourable mentions.
Honourable Mentions: These albums are great but can't crack my top 10--Kanye West, "Late Registration"; Ol' Dirty Bastard, "Return to the 36 Chambers: the Dirty Versions"; Ras Kass, "Soul on Ice"; Brand Nubian, "Foundation"; Run DMC, Self-titled debut, Triple 6 Mafia, "Mystic Stylez".
And now, my stupid ass 10 Greatest Rap/Hip-Hop Albums ever.
10. Juvenile, "400 Degreez" (1998). Juvenile debuted with little fanfare outside of New Orleans with the subpar efforts Being Myself and later Solja Rags, but it wasn't until his third studio effort that the country took notice. Complete with a terrible Pen and Pixel cover and during a maelstrom of bounce-influenced rap setting the country on fire, thanks to No Limit, Cash Money records put out their best album with 400 Degreez. The hit single, "Ha", still gets hella plays but it's not the only track worth a replay. "Ghetto Children", "Welcome 2 tha Nolia", "Juvenile on Fire", and "Flossin' Season" are definite strong tracks. The Big Tymers make another classic intro, and let's not forget that "Back That Azz Up" is also on this album, along with the notoriously popular title track, "400 Degreez". The re-release isn't worth it, hearing the two remixes of Ha (one featuring the Hot Boyz, and the other featuring Jay-Z are boring) and "Follow Me Now" is catchy, but can be skipped. In all, 400 Degreez is one album that most people I know would agree is a classic, and probably vastly underrated for its mix of club tracks and hood hits.
9. A Tribe Called Quest, "The Low End Theory" (1991). Forget "Off the Wall" vs. "Thriller", the battle between which Tribe album is king is just as epic. Some say "Midnight Marauders", but I'm one who says it's "The Low End Theory", and to me it's not even close. Songs like "Check the Rhime", "The Infamous Date Rape", and "Jazz (We've Got)" stand out and always get a second play for me. "Verses from the Abstract" another favourite Tribe track for me. In fact, most of my favourite Tribe cuts come from this album, hence why it makes my top 10 and over "Midnight Marauders". Plus, we all know the final cut on the album, "Scenario" is one of the strongest posse cuts in hip-hop and had such a groundbreaking video. All of this brings LET in at number nine on my list. Some people would think this is criminal though to rank this album so low, but bear with me.
8. Trick Daddy Dollars, "Thugs Are Us" (2001). Maybe it's my adopted home state of Florida, maybe it's there's a little thug in every rap fan, or maybe it's the sounds of the Righteous Funk Boogie who produced most of the album that make TDD's fourth album number eight all-time for me. I wanted to go with "Based on a True Story", but at the end of the day, this album is Trick's best. Beginning with an intro where Trick explains to a jit somewhere in Richmond Heights that he should stay in school and not be a thug. After 30 seconds of this, it slides right into hit single, "I'm a Thug". By this time, you should be all in on this album. It's not a perfect project though, as Trick takes time to promote homeboy, Deuce Poppi with about three solo tracks and all are straight garbage, and Trina has the "Pull Over Remix" and "For All the Ladies", but for the majority of the album, it's all Trick, all thug shit. Favourite tracks include: "Take It to da House", "Noodle", "N Word", "Can't Fuck wit tha South". Most FAMU students would know the latter, but only up to the line, "Wait one motherfuckin' minute!" Points to you if you know what comes after that line.
7. Frayser Boy, "Gone on That Bay" (2003). A lot of people wonder why Frayser Boy, a guy who came onto the scene with Triple 6 and Hypnotize Minds after their run in the national spotlight was dwindling, is my favourite rapper. No, he's not spectacular and he's not witty. He's said shit you've heard before, and often you can predict the next line. However, I give you two people: Sean and Nuekeller. Two of my bruh-bruhs fo-real-fo-real. They came to my house one night and I made them listen to this album. I told them, I couldn't explain why it's one of my all-time favourites, especially seeing that I didn't expect anything special. It starts with an intro title track which samples Haydn's Sonata no. 59 (more popularly known as Lestat's Sonata), and the bass drops and Frayser Boy spits one of the hardest rhymes to come out of Hypnotize Minds in a long time. When it finished, my friend says to me, "I totally see how after the intro, you're hooked in." "Flickin'", "Every Day Thang", "Wish a Mutha Would", "Had to Get'em", and "Bloody Murder" (which features my friend's favourite line of "Gon' kill these niggas, leave 'em hangin' like apostrophes") are very good to great tracks. "Closed Mouth", outside of the title track, is by far my favourite, for lines such as "Now ya got me lookin' for ya like an easter egg hunt" and "Smoke so much green, niggas call me St. Patrick." You probably have never heard a Frayser Boy track, so go on youtube and just give it a try. Love this album.
6. Eric B. and Rakim, "Paid in Full" (1987). First off, to me, Rakim is still the greatest MC to ever grab a mic and spit a rhyme. Eric B was the perfect DJ to cut up records and lay down samples to further let Rakim shine as an MC. Paid in Full is a magnum opus in hip-hop, and definitely the duo's best. I wanted to put it higher, but my top five speak to me personally and take me to times where I can remember first hearing them and being mesmerised. I had older cousins who spun this LP all of the time and it never got old then, still doesn't get old. "Chinese Arithmetic" is probably the least known track on the album, but it's one of my favourites. Eric B. mixes in a generic Asian sound with hard bass and it just blends perfectly. The hits are nonstop on this album, though: "Eric B. For President", "I Ain't No Joke", "Move the Crowd", "Eric B. Is on the Cut", "I Know You Got Soul", and the classic title track "Paid in Full" which introduced the "Don't Look Any Further" sample to rap. This album is a must-have. I own it on both cassette and CD. If you do not have Paid, you're no rap or hip-hop fan. That simple. This album defines the golden age of MCing and DJing.
5. Immortal Technique, "The 3rd World" (2008). Hot fuckin' fire. It was a five year layoff between Revolutionary, vol. 2 and this album, but apparently, those five years allowed Technique to make 16 tracks of straight heat for the thinking man. This isn't your average person's music. It's highly Marxist, revolutionary, and quite politically charged. The title track, "The 3rd World", is the third most played record on my iPod, and is by far the standout song on this album. Here's a link with lyrics if you've never heard it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOINSUWOqyo). Other songs like "Golpe de Estado" and "Death March" show you Technique spits his rhymes for the black and the brown, the oppressed, the masses who are often forgotten and never shown on television or in your local paper. Being an Afro-Latino with Peruvian heritage and growing up in Harlem greatly influenced his style and I'm thankful for it. Frayser Boy may be my favourite rapper, Rakim may be the best ever to me, but somehow Immortal Technique trumps them both, you figure it out. Favourite tracks: "Payback" which features Ras Kass (I love Ras Kass), "Mistakes", and "Harlem Renaissance".
4. Ghostface Killah, "Ironman" (1996). What do you get when you mix one of my favourite MCs from the best crew in music history, blaxploitation movies, soul samples, and the RZA and True Master on production? A fucking classic. Ironman was Ghost's debut as a solo artist, although he featured Raekwon and Cappadonna often, but it's one of the best albums ever. Full of supreme mathematics and alphabet references, Ghostface brings a lot of hot rhymes over tight production. The first single, "Daytona 500", has nothing to do with racing, features Raekwon and Cappadonna, and is still one of the best songs to come out of the Wu family. "Wildflower", a personal favourite, begins with the line, "Yeah bitch, I fucked your friend/Yeah you stank ho/I seen her on the elevator, honey grabbed my Kangol." How can you not like that?! He proceeds to lyrically slaughter the ex-boo in his life and finishes with he likes his women clean with an FDS smell. Shit is awesome. "260", "Motherless Child", "Black Jesus", all bangers; "All That I Got Is You" featuring Mary J will always tug at the heart strings and speaks to most African-Americans I've known because there's definitely a common thread of similar experiences in that song. "Winter Warz" is a definite heater, and Cappadonna's verse to end the track is one of his best ever, highly memorable.
3. Mobb Deep, "The Infamous" (1995). This album is definitely the grittiest in production to ever come out during that age where NYC dominated rap in the 90s. Havoc, as a producer, is fucking genius. The sounds of records popping in the samples, the heavy bass, the minimalism of a lot of the tracks, it's an album that I'd love to pass down generation to generation. It also has features from Ghostface and Raekwon, so bonus. "Survival of the Fittest" and "Shook Ones, pt. II" are probably the first two songs I've learned in full due to constant repeats. For these two tracks to be the lead singles from the album, it sets up the tone. You know exactly what's coming and that's tales of hard life in Queensbridge. "Temperature's Rising", "Give Up the Goods", "Eye For an Eye (Your Beef Is Mines)", and "Party Over" are definite bangers. Q-Tip lays down a great verse on "Drink Away the Pain (Situations)". I could go on and on about this album. It's one of the first I bought with my own money and I can still see my little young teenager ass living in central Jersey, turning the bass all the way up and cutting the treble all the way down and just being awestruck. I'm still a big fan of everything Mobb Deep's ever done, and a lot of that stems from this album.
2. Raekwon the Chef, "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..." (1995). Another Loud Records album makes the top five, with this, Ironman, and The Infamous, and all from the same time. Only Built turned rap on its ear. Raekwon set this album up to be a movie on wax. The idea appealed to the RZA so much that they always planned on making a movie because of Only Built. Raekwon was the star of the film, Ghostface Killah was the supporting actor, and the RZA and True Master were the Producer/Director combo. Method Man was the first to release a solo for Wu-Tang, but when Raekwon came out, people forgot all about Tical. Singles like "Glacierz of Ice" and "Ice Cream" are nuggets of the classic Wu sound with feel-good nostalgia. "Criminology", which features a snippet from the movie "Scarface", may only be about two and a half minutes, but man it's some of the best 150 seconds you'll ever have. "Rainy Dayz", "Verbal Intercourse", "Incarcerated Scarfaces", "Heaven and Hell", this album is chock full of amazing production and lyrical scenery. Raekwon and Ghost can take any beat and chew it the fuck up.
1. The GZA/Genius, "Liquid Swords" (1995). ANOTHER Wu solo. Also from 1995, and also on Loud Records, which makes four of my top five. When I first bought Liquid Swords, I didn't appreciate for how intricate and elaborate it was. I thought it was a good album, but not great. Sixteen years later, it's still a constant album I play and it's become my favourite album in the genre and probably top five of all albums I've ever heard. It's only 13 tracks. Only 13. RZA and True Master on production. "Shogun Assassin" snippets linger throughout and really tie the album together. The title track leads off the album and contains probably the longest snippet, but it's a strong track. It was later sampled by Mos Def for his song, "Crime and Punishment". "Labels" features what the GZA does best; come up with a concept and make the song feature words from that concept throughout. It's a track slaying the record industry and the labels controlling it, but he used their names in innovative ways. "B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth)" ends the album and drops hella knowledge on you; it's riddled with revelations and little known gems. It's definitely a track I've grown to appreciate and cherish in adulthood. He still makes dope cuts like "Shadowboxin'", but most of the album feels dark and philosophical. There literally is no song you skip over, and it's an album that once it's finished, you can press play and sit through the whole hour again and not grow bored. RZA and True Master use their patented bassline, but they do it masterfully and artistically through use of samples. The GZA is a lyricist unlike any other.
As you can see, there's no Nas, B.I.G., 2Pac, Eminem, none of that shit on my list. Nothing personal, but none of their works I find complete or near complete. Plus, what can I say? I grew up in New Jersey in the right time where NYC was producing some of the grittiest and best rap/hip-hop and it funneled straight to my stereo. It's my top 10, it's not yours, and probably not Vibe's, the Source's, nor Rolling Stone, but goddammit, I stand by all these selections.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
1.8 -- Ten Things I May Hate About You
I'm quite judgmental. Not of people, but definitely of characteristics of people. I stand firmly on my ideals and values, my principles and shit. I don't need people to agree with me, that's boring. There doesn't need to be a whole world full of Chuys. In fact, the world couldn't handle a boatload of me. I'm brash, I'm ignorant, I'm crude, I'm blunt, I speak without consideration of feelings, and most importantly, I don't care and like it that way. And let's be real, you like it that way too. It's part of my charm. If you didn't like it that way, then you wouldn't be reading this right now. Yes. That goes for all four of you. (I never said I was good at this.)
So in this, the season finale of The Recesses, I offer to you 10 things I may hate about you. These ten things may pertain to you, they may not. If they don't, consider yourself lucky. You're in good standing with me.
Oh yeah, these aren't ranked.
#1 -- People who like obscure rappers and bands. I love hip-hop, rap, and punk, and these seem to be the scene where people are scrambling to find those overlooked gems. I know quite a few people who will only big up MC Whothefuckisthat? and DJ Iknowyouneverheardofthiscat as if their knowledge of this highly unheard-of musician makes them more certified to critique music or talk about music than anyone on staff at Spin or Rolling Stone. Now granted, I don't really like music rags either, but they at least spread themselves between the popular and the up-and-comers. I don't get why a person tries to one-up another by referencing some artist that only 200 people nationwide have ever heard of. Like does it make them come on themselves? Great, you like your local garage band that plays at your local hole-in-the-wall pub. But hello, there are actual artists who've broken above ground and didn't completely sell out or sacrifice themselves for the power of a dollar. So please, fuck off and keep your unknown artist exactly that way--unknown.
#2 -- People who cannot watch an animal be slaughtered but will fuck up a pork chop. Two days ago, I'm sitting on the couch with my lovely wife watching No Reservations. Tony was somewhere in the world and visited a slaughterhouse where a pig was hanging from its rear legs and having its throat slit to drain the blood. They eventually ripped it open down the middle and removed the organs. My wife cringed and demanded to change the channel. Since I've been vegetarian for 18 months or so, she spent about the first four to six being pescetarian but then couldn't refuse chicken and the like. So I say to her, this is how you get the meat you eat. Apparently, there's a huge disconnect. Because your plate doesn't have the head attached, you can remove yourself from the certain knowledge that it's a dead animal for dinner. So to me, that's frustrating. You know your hamburger is cow, don't cringe when you see the cow get gutted and drained of blood. After all, it wouldn't be going through all of that if you didn't have such a taste for grounded cow chunks.
#3 -- People that are too Christian. As you should know by now, I'm no Christian. But I wasn't always this way. I did find whatever their God is and this figure of the Christ in high school, but mere years later, I reject everything ever acquired. Now this doesn't only go against the faux Christian, the one who fucks everything in sight, drinks Thursday to Saturday, goes to church every so often and knows a few scriptures. This also goes to the people who go on every Sunday or Saturday for you seventh-day obvservers, only listen to Christian AM or FM radio, go to see Steven Curtis Chapman and DC Talk, and have that stupid fucking bumper sticker "1 Christ + 3 Nails = 4Given." We live in a country where Christianity is the norm and is expected to be the faith of everyone. So it's okay to put for your status some stupid scripture quote, or it's great to thank your god for you finally getting that job or promotion. But it's not okay to profess a belief in a faith not of the big three, and it's not okay for you to overlook their god and thank yourself for getting what you set out to achieve. Look, if I remember correctly, Jesus told his disciples that when they fast, don't look hungry and unkempt to draw attention to the fact that they are fasting. Rather, they're to keep up their normal ways and normal appearances and save that fake shit for the Pharisees. Well, how about you motherfuckers do that too? I'm not saying reject your belief principles, but don't do it to draw attention, do it because you believe it to be right for you.
#4 -- People too oversexed. I'm vulgar and I like to talk nasty with everyone. It's nothing people take seriously. We all know I'm full of shit, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by suggesting you eat them out while they hang from a door frame. Either way, I know a few people, one in particular, who would make you think sex is the greatest feeling in the world. I haven't slept with many women, just four, but I've had decent to bad to fucking incredible sex and back again. It still doesn't rank in my top five or 10 things to do. This is in no way an indictment of the wife and her sexual prowess or capabilities. I quite enjoy fucking the wife. But let's be real, if you can give yourself a nut too, then how does catching one with another person make such a huge difference that it's suddenly the best thing in life? I mean catching a perfect breeze or the right combination of coffee and a matching cigar, or the feeling of seeing the Gators whoop up on UGA or Tottenham shitting on Arsenal. There's plenty of amazing feelings. What about when you hate kids and keep telling them not to hug you or whatever but then they catch you when your guard is down and you enjoy the hug? Really people? It's an orgasm. Get the fuck out of here.
#5 -- People from Philadelphia. Let's face it, that city is a fucking dump. Veterans Stadium was perfect for that shithole. I've never met someone from Philadelphia that I totally liked. Chalk it up to my Pittsburgh origins or my time in central Jersey, but I think that place and their people should be bombed worse than Nagasaki.
#6 -- People in the two parties. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I'm in a third party. Pretty small, has a few headquarters in big cities across the country. Its platform is something I can really stand on and they have a kick ass magazine and newsletter. Being in Florida though, third party voters are not allowed to vote in primaries. But then again, I wouldn't want either of those ass hats to represent me anyway. Look, I'm okay if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, libertarian, whatever. That's fine, you're supposed to be able define where you stand or should stand on most issues in one word. However, people who hold onto the two party system but at the same time expect things to ever be different, they're all idiots. The difference between a Democrat and Republican is like the difference between instant and percolated coffee. At the end of the day, they're both bland cups of coffee lacking in flavour and zest. That's what you vote for every November, Taster's Choice or Maxwell House. Change the nation and think outside the square pegs and round holes.
#7 -- People who prefer Krispy Kreme over Dunkin' Donuts. I live in the south, have periodically, and have done so for awhile now. But I grew up primarily in the northeast and mid-Atlantic. Up there, America really does run on Dunkin'. Down here though, in most of Florida and a lot of the South, the region drags on Krispy Kreme. I don't get it. People go nuts over a glazed donut. Really people? It's sugar, donut, done. Now I know I can't talk much because I think Dunkin's old-fashioned is the best donut the world over, but Dunkin's selection is better and their coffee is leagues above Krispy Kreme's watered down shit. Plus, there's something about Krispy Kreme that makes you feel fat and disgusting when you eat it. But then again, aren't most of those who visit that place fat and disgusting?
#8 -- People who lie about masturbating. I've been tugging on my own penis since 14. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It took a few tries to get it down, took forever too. My arm got sore, my wrist was hurting, but I was persistent and splash! I'm now 28, and although I don't jerk off with the fervour of years past, I still enjoy a good pull once or twice a week. Now if you're 14 and in high school, I understand lying about jerking off. No one wants to be the jerk king of their school. But I knew people in college and even still who swear they've never masturbated, or don't do it anymore, or did it once or twice but didn't see the point. Fucking lying bastards. Every man loves a quick pull of their own penis. A good scene on the internet and three minutes can release all the stress and pressure you've been feeling. Why lie about it? It's natural and hell it's functional, serving a huge purpose. Even worse are the women who say they never flick their own bean and jill off. Come on. We're grown. You're not getting fucked or eaten or scissored every day, you've got needs too. I know you stick your hand down your pants from time to time and rub one out. So please, let's be adults here.
#9 -- Beatles fans. Let me make this clear: I don't get the Beatles. It's not that I don't like music from bygone eras, and it's not that I don't like Merseybeat and the British Invasion. I do. I just don't like nor understand what the phenomenon of the Beatles is. I understand it for Baby Boomers, but for generations after that, we've already been exposed to large shifts in music, so four Scousers with bobs and songs about riding in their cars and the blood-sucking, money-grubbing tax man, I don't get it. If you're my age and think the Beatles are the greatest thing in music ever, you deserve to be drawn and quartered. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Hate it. Eleanor Rigby? Hate it. Yellow Submarine? Despicably annoying. None of these songs are good. But yet, I keep finding kids and people my age who just drink the kool-aid and accept the Beatles for great and god-like. If you ask me, I could name 100 better bands throughout time than those cunts.
#10 -- People who can eat breakfast foods for dinner but can't eat dinner foods for breakfast. My wife is one of these folks. She doesn't mind Waffle House at 9PM, but pasta or leftovers at 9AM, not happening. Science shows that if you your day with the biggest meal at the beginning, it can boost metabolism and keep you energised longer throughout. So really, eggs and toast is better for dinner and that meatloaf and mashed potatoes is better suited for the morning. Me personally, I constantly wake up and cook rice and beans and whatever was yesterday's dinner. I can vouch for it, a big meal in the morning and a small one at dinner, much easier to keep you going. Give it a try.
So in this, the season finale of The Recesses, I offer to you 10 things I may hate about you. These ten things may pertain to you, they may not. If they don't, consider yourself lucky. You're in good standing with me.
Oh yeah, these aren't ranked.
#1 -- People who like obscure rappers and bands. I love hip-hop, rap, and punk, and these seem to be the scene where people are scrambling to find those overlooked gems. I know quite a few people who will only big up MC Whothefuckisthat? and DJ Iknowyouneverheardofthiscat as if their knowledge of this highly unheard-of musician makes them more certified to critique music or talk about music than anyone on staff at Spin or Rolling Stone. Now granted, I don't really like music rags either, but they at least spread themselves between the popular and the up-and-comers. I don't get why a person tries to one-up another by referencing some artist that only 200 people nationwide have ever heard of. Like does it make them come on themselves? Great, you like your local garage band that plays at your local hole-in-the-wall pub. But hello, there are actual artists who've broken above ground and didn't completely sell out or sacrifice themselves for the power of a dollar. So please, fuck off and keep your unknown artist exactly that way--unknown.
#2 -- People who cannot watch an animal be slaughtered but will fuck up a pork chop. Two days ago, I'm sitting on the couch with my lovely wife watching No Reservations. Tony was somewhere in the world and visited a slaughterhouse where a pig was hanging from its rear legs and having its throat slit to drain the blood. They eventually ripped it open down the middle and removed the organs. My wife cringed and demanded to change the channel. Since I've been vegetarian for 18 months or so, she spent about the first four to six being pescetarian but then couldn't refuse chicken and the like. So I say to her, this is how you get the meat you eat. Apparently, there's a huge disconnect. Because your plate doesn't have the head attached, you can remove yourself from the certain knowledge that it's a dead animal for dinner. So to me, that's frustrating. You know your hamburger is cow, don't cringe when you see the cow get gutted and drained of blood. After all, it wouldn't be going through all of that if you didn't have such a taste for grounded cow chunks.
#3 -- People that are too Christian. As you should know by now, I'm no Christian. But I wasn't always this way. I did find whatever their God is and this figure of the Christ in high school, but mere years later, I reject everything ever acquired. Now this doesn't only go against the faux Christian, the one who fucks everything in sight, drinks Thursday to Saturday, goes to church every so often and knows a few scriptures. This also goes to the people who go on every Sunday or Saturday for you seventh-day obvservers, only listen to Christian AM or FM radio, go to see Steven Curtis Chapman and DC Talk, and have that stupid fucking bumper sticker "1 Christ + 3 Nails = 4Given." We live in a country where Christianity is the norm and is expected to be the faith of everyone. So it's okay to put for your status some stupid scripture quote, or it's great to thank your god for you finally getting that job or promotion. But it's not okay to profess a belief in a faith not of the big three, and it's not okay for you to overlook their god and thank yourself for getting what you set out to achieve. Look, if I remember correctly, Jesus told his disciples that when they fast, don't look hungry and unkempt to draw attention to the fact that they are fasting. Rather, they're to keep up their normal ways and normal appearances and save that fake shit for the Pharisees. Well, how about you motherfuckers do that too? I'm not saying reject your belief principles, but don't do it to draw attention, do it because you believe it to be right for you.
#4 -- People too oversexed. I'm vulgar and I like to talk nasty with everyone. It's nothing people take seriously. We all know I'm full of shit, but it's fun to make people uncomfortable by suggesting you eat them out while they hang from a door frame. Either way, I know a few people, one in particular, who would make you think sex is the greatest feeling in the world. I haven't slept with many women, just four, but I've had decent to bad to fucking incredible sex and back again. It still doesn't rank in my top five or 10 things to do. This is in no way an indictment of the wife and her sexual prowess or capabilities. I quite enjoy fucking the wife. But let's be real, if you can give yourself a nut too, then how does catching one with another person make such a huge difference that it's suddenly the best thing in life? I mean catching a perfect breeze or the right combination of coffee and a matching cigar, or the feeling of seeing the Gators whoop up on UGA or Tottenham shitting on Arsenal. There's plenty of amazing feelings. What about when you hate kids and keep telling them not to hug you or whatever but then they catch you when your guard is down and you enjoy the hug? Really people? It's an orgasm. Get the fuck out of here.
#5 -- People from Philadelphia. Let's face it, that city is a fucking dump. Veterans Stadium was perfect for that shithole. I've never met someone from Philadelphia that I totally liked. Chalk it up to my Pittsburgh origins or my time in central Jersey, but I think that place and their people should be bombed worse than Nagasaki.
#6 -- People in the two parties. I'm neither Democrat nor Republican. I'm in a third party. Pretty small, has a few headquarters in big cities across the country. Its platform is something I can really stand on and they have a kick ass magazine and newsletter. Being in Florida though, third party voters are not allowed to vote in primaries. But then again, I wouldn't want either of those ass hats to represent me anyway. Look, I'm okay if you consider yourself liberal, conservative, libertarian, whatever. That's fine, you're supposed to be able define where you stand or should stand on most issues in one word. However, people who hold onto the two party system but at the same time expect things to ever be different, they're all idiots. The difference between a Democrat and Republican is like the difference between instant and percolated coffee. At the end of the day, they're both bland cups of coffee lacking in flavour and zest. That's what you vote for every November, Taster's Choice or Maxwell House. Change the nation and think outside the square pegs and round holes.
#7 -- People who prefer Krispy Kreme over Dunkin' Donuts. I live in the south, have periodically, and have done so for awhile now. But I grew up primarily in the northeast and mid-Atlantic. Up there, America really does run on Dunkin'. Down here though, in most of Florida and a lot of the South, the region drags on Krispy Kreme. I don't get it. People go nuts over a glazed donut. Really people? It's sugar, donut, done. Now I know I can't talk much because I think Dunkin's old-fashioned is the best donut the world over, but Dunkin's selection is better and their coffee is leagues above Krispy Kreme's watered down shit. Plus, there's something about Krispy Kreme that makes you feel fat and disgusting when you eat it. But then again, aren't most of those who visit that place fat and disgusting?
#8 -- People who lie about masturbating. I've been tugging on my own penis since 14. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. It took a few tries to get it down, took forever too. My arm got sore, my wrist was hurting, but I was persistent and splash! I'm now 28, and although I don't jerk off with the fervour of years past, I still enjoy a good pull once or twice a week. Now if you're 14 and in high school, I understand lying about jerking off. No one wants to be the jerk king of their school. But I knew people in college and even still who swear they've never masturbated, or don't do it anymore, or did it once or twice but didn't see the point. Fucking lying bastards. Every man loves a quick pull of their own penis. A good scene on the internet and three minutes can release all the stress and pressure you've been feeling. Why lie about it? It's natural and hell it's functional, serving a huge purpose. Even worse are the women who say they never flick their own bean and jill off. Come on. We're grown. You're not getting fucked or eaten or scissored every day, you've got needs too. I know you stick your hand down your pants from time to time and rub one out. So please, let's be adults here.
#9 -- Beatles fans. Let me make this clear: I don't get the Beatles. It's not that I don't like music from bygone eras, and it's not that I don't like Merseybeat and the British Invasion. I do. I just don't like nor understand what the phenomenon of the Beatles is. I understand it for Baby Boomers, but for generations after that, we've already been exposed to large shifts in music, so four Scousers with bobs and songs about riding in their cars and the blood-sucking, money-grubbing tax man, I don't get it. If you're my age and think the Beatles are the greatest thing in music ever, you deserve to be drawn and quartered. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Hate it. Eleanor Rigby? Hate it. Yellow Submarine? Despicably annoying. None of these songs are good. But yet, I keep finding kids and people my age who just drink the kool-aid and accept the Beatles for great and god-like. If you ask me, I could name 100 better bands throughout time than those cunts.
#10 -- People who can eat breakfast foods for dinner but can't eat dinner foods for breakfast. My wife is one of these folks. She doesn't mind Waffle House at 9PM, but pasta or leftovers at 9AM, not happening. Science shows that if you your day with the biggest meal at the beginning, it can boost metabolism and keep you energised longer throughout. So really, eggs and toast is better for dinner and that meatloaf and mashed potatoes is better suited for the morning. Me personally, I constantly wake up and cook rice and beans and whatever was yesterday's dinner. I can vouch for it, a big meal in the morning and a small one at dinner, much easier to keep you going. Give it a try.
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