1.2--My Five

I used to watch "Friends".  I know, how embarrassing.  But then again, didn't most of the country?  I mean anything on the same night as Seinfeld, I watched.  Read that to mean Caroline in the City too.  Yikes.  Anyway, there was one episode in particular that always stuck with me.

During the many times of Ross and Rachel being an item, Ross had come up with a list of five celebrities he could have sex with or at least date without it being called cheating.  The idea is novel, the concept is far-fetched but it's fun.  Unfortunately to keep up with the dorkiness of the Ross character, he laminated it after removing Isabella Rosselini, whom he then ran into at Central Perk.  Yeah I know, who gives a flying fuck?  Or even a grounded fuck?  Or even just a regular fuck?

That brings us to the core of episode two, season one.  I don't have a five, and seeing how south Florida is a hotbed for celebrities and pseudo-celebrities, I feel I need to get my five out on paper now before I run into them while standing in line for a Cafe Cubano, ya dig?

So what's the criteria?  I don't know.  I don't really have a type, so anyone is likely to be on this list as long as they have breasts and a vagina.  Well, in the case of Christina Applegate, maybe breasts aren't that important?  So let's start this bloody list already.

First person on the list has to be--yes, Snooki.  What the fuck?  For real?  Yes, for real.  Let's go through her positives.  She's originally Latina by birth, so that's a plus, and she grew into Italian heritage, so that's a plus.  There was something endearing about her in the first season or two looking for anyone to come beat her beat up, but so often there were no takers.  I couldn't figure it out; she was fat, tiny, orange, and dumb as a brick.  What's not to love there?  Okay, the orange, not so much, but her little tiny dumpy body, worked for me.  Sure, she's gone a bit pear-shaped having lost weight, which is ironic that when she was fatter and literally pear-shaped that was better.  Plus, you have to think about it, she looks like she'd be a blast to fuck, no?  You could throw her around, spin her like a top, put her in a dresser drawer and fuck her, all of these things quite exciting.  The wife thinks I'm insane for the Snooki thing, but hey what can ya do?  Snooki gets on the list.  We're down to four more places.

Now I'm going to trend older and lesser-known.  She's probably approaching 50, assuming she isn't already but I don't care.  She's still a fucking looker.  Another Italian, and this time a legitimate Italian, makes the list with Annabella Sciorra.  When I was seven or eight, my dad took me to see the Spike Lee joint, "Jungle Fever" and the female lead struck me even then as really pretty.  She's got the classic dark hair, dark eyes, but in that movie, she was able to wear a frumpy hairdo and ugly old lady clothes and still make an impression.  She was still hot as the plain, postpartum wife in "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" and as of a year or two ago, she was still hot in her few appearances on "The L Word."  If you don't know her, go google her.  She's got a simpler, cleaner look.  Stark contrast to the overly bronzed, strumpet-looking Snooki.  But every list has to have contrast to balance, right?

Alright, we're cooking now, and speaking of cooking, perfect segue into the third entry on the list.  Quite surprising, we're trending Italian once again but Food Network darling, Giada de Laurentiis, is a fucking knockout.  And for a woman with a pointy thin nose, that's saying something.  Sure, she's a Roman, and Romans and Neapolitans, eh, not exactly best friends, but who cares when it comes to her?  Plus, her first cousin is president of SSC Napoli, so that would mean tickets to see I Partenopei in action.  She's dorky, quirky, chipper, and smiles a lot--all things I hate but she makes it work.  If Katie Couric could cook and were Italian, this would be her.  And the one thing I didn't really notice, and maybe because I'm not a guy for this feature, but she's got quite the rack.  A healthy chest, a classical chef, and a face that could launch 1,000 ships, all of these put Giada firmly on the list.  Now let's just hope her list includes nerdy black guys who are balding, tattoo dumb shit to themselves, and are married too.

Two spots left on this list, and I know, you're delirious with anticipation, que no? 

And with that flourish of Spanish, we go to our first Latina who has remained Latin to this day.  Mexican actress Kate del Castillo.  Telenovela queen, star of one of my most favourite movies, she could wear a trash bag and moles all over her face and I'd still be interested.  Unfortunately, she's been married twice, and one was former Mexican international Luis Garcia.  He gets points for being an Americanista, but then again, he also played with Chivas and Pumas, so to hell with the bastard.  But back to Kate.  She's stunning without being flawless, and luckily, she isn't on the average American's radar.  If you've not seen "Under the Same Moon/La Misma Luna", then you need to go out right now, queue it on your netflix and be ready to watch a beautiful face and a tearjerker that makes me pour saltwater from my eyes no matter how many times I see it.

Final spot, one unlucky woman.  People everywhere, all 12 of you, sitting at the edges of your seats just wondering who the hell could this loser be interested in now?

If you've ever heard of Bamboleo, and no not the Gipsy Kings track, but the Cuban salsa ensemble, then you know where this is going.  Haila Mompie.  Often described as a new Celia Cruz, this Afro-Latina can sing, dance, and do them both while making you hot inside.  And in stark contrast to the rest of this list, she's often bald or closely cropped, and you're never really sure what colour her hair will be when it's there anyway.  Do yourself another favour, go on iTunes, buy "Yo No Me Parezco Nadie", listen to the smooth rhythms, and then go see if you can find a live performance of it.  That's a woman, there.

So there you have it.  Five women, surprisingly heavily Italian for a guy who often downplays his own Italian heritage, but it's a list I'm proud to have compiled.  Note, there's no Kardashian, or a Halle Berry, or any of those overhyped boring bitches.  They can be the eye candy for the majourity, I don't want them.  And no video vixens or hoes from your average King magazine or whatever it's called.  I'm not a body guy, I'm a face guy, and those kinds of girls, well have you seen their faces?!

Hopefully, this inspires you to make your five and get them down now so your mate can't hold it against you.